I have experienced 2 ectopic pregnancies in the past 2 years. You can read about my first ectopic pregnancy HERE. This is part 2 of my second ectopic pregnancy. You can find part 1 HERE.
...my doctor kept stressing that I needed to get to the ER immediately. I was crying but also in a little bit of denial. I asked her questions that probably sounded more like delusional rambling as I tried to process it all, "How? How was this missed again? ...this means I am closer to 11 weeks pregnant then. This isn't real...my husband isn't home, I can't take my kids to the hospital with me." The only answer she had was that she was sorry, I needed to be at the hospital in an hour or less, and the hospital knew I would be coming. For the second time in just 2 years my life was in question and it was a point where no one was sure what was going on.
I hung up the phone and was physically shaking. I could barely hold my phone to call Cory and tell him that we were going to be reliving the same misery of an ectopic pregnancy again. I think because we have been married 10 years, and have experienced pregnancy loss so many times together he knew exactly what had happened as soon as he heard me crying out the words "Cory...".
30 minutes later we were all in the car. Cory dropped me off at the ER, and then made arrangements for my kids. It felt surreal walking into the ER again sobbing to say the words "I think I am having an ectopic pregnancy again? My doctor sent y'all a message saying I was coming?" Then to get immediate sad eyes from the check-in nurse who leaned across the table to squeeze my hand and say "I am so sorry, we will take care of you."
I sat in the waiting room silently crying. I am sure I looked like a broken mess to people passing by. Cory came just a few minutes before another nurse called me back to go over my history, symptoms, etc. “When was your last period?” “What is your pain level?” “How many pregnancies have you had?” “How many live births?” With each question felt more like a kick in the gut.
I was first in line for an ultrasound. You know something is wrong when it takes two people to do your ultrasound and it’s insanely painful. Just like in the past an ultrasound was “inconclusive” for a pregnancy but I did have 2 large ovarian cysts. My blood work also showed that my HCG level had somehow come down! Everyone seemed to take a sigh of relief and was ready to stamp “miscarriage” onto my paperwork. My gut couldn’t believe it. I blamed it on PTSD and the trauma of my previous ectopic. The on call OBGYN talked to me on the phone with plans to send me home. Cory and I kept stressing how uncomfortable that made us, neither of us were sure. Finally my sweet nurse made the suggestion that I go home, but then I come back the next afternoon for new blood panels.
So we went home.
After more blood work, and another ultrasound everyone was left scratching their heads. Once again it was the fun game of “Where is the pregnancy?” I was in more pain, and was only comfortable with my knees close to my chest. I was given some glorious concoction of pain killers and gave consent to a CT scan and then we waited.
As soon as the ER doctor came in I knew. “Cysts are larger than we thought…you have some blood pooling……and we the radiologist is pretty positive it is an ectopic pregnancy, I am so sorry.” He kept talking but I was sobbing. I would need emergency surgery again and the on call OBGYN would be into talk to me about details.
Not even 5 minutes later, before we had time to process anything a nurse came in and said “I’m here to take you up to surgery.” I was wheeled up to surgery and still crying. I don’t really remember how long it took me to get prepped. Before I knew it the OBGYN was telling me it would be an “exploratory surgery.” …well neat, I’d love for you to “explore” in my abdomen. “First we will do a gentle D&C, remove the 2 large cysts, then go to the other side and check for an ectopic pregnancy.”
Cory and I said a prayer before I was wheeled off to the surgical room. Once again I was in a freezing cold room with everyone covered in surgical masks, gowns and gloves. I scooted onto the hard surgical board and quietly cried while they put the oxygen on my face.
Sure enough there was an ectopic pregnancy and they left my last fallopian tube. I woke up in HORRIFIC pain. The worst pain I have ever been in. Worse than my c-sections, worse than my last ectopic surgery. I was in recovery for hours but determined to go home. Worst. Decision. EVER. I should have let the nurses admit me when they offered. My pain was out of control. I could not sit up by myself or walk standing up straight. The bed could not shake or move at all without me being in horrific pain. My sweet husband was up with me like a newborn making sure I stayed up on my painkillers.
After a long few weeks I finally started to physically feel more “normal” and went for my post op check up. I recovered well physically and we talked about what this meant for me moving forward. Even though my last tube was saved it is “diseased” and most likely scarred. My risk for another ectopic pregnancy is really high. I am not the typical “ectopic pregnancy” case. I present everything weird and abnormally. This makes my ectopic pregnancies really hard to diagnose, I am pregnant for a long time with them, and it gets scary fast. If we were to get pregnant on my own and it was another ectopic pregnancy my other tube would need to be removed. In my doctors words “it’s not worth the risk of your life.” Which I knew but it was shocking to hear out loud. IVF is my safest option to be pregnant again. I never thought IVF would be my reality or something I would be even in breathing distance of. I now have the medical history or labels of secondary infertility, recurrent pregnancy loss, and tubal infertility.
Things I have learned from this experience:
I am SUPER strong. I can go through a lot and survive. One of my “worst case scenarios” became my reality. I wish I could say I went through it gracefully but I did not. It was really mess, ugly, and dark at times. But I survived. I woke up and tackled one day at a time. Now that I am 9 months down the road from the experience I keep seeing new strengths from this experience.
I am way more empathetic. This experience has helped me connect with a whole new group of people I never would have had the opportunity to meet. The infertility and pregnancy loss community is a tight knit one. We know a certain kind of loss that no one else can quite understand. There is an instant connection.
I am way more brave and bold than I have ever been before. This year has been so hard but I have put myself out there more than I ever have. I have found new talents and discovered more things that I love to do. I feel like I have more drive and confidence than I ever have before.
Above all because I am more grateful, I am closer with my children and husband, I have a stronger faith and relationship with God and the Savior.
If you are going through an ectopic pregnancy know that there is hope. I have felt the really ugly, dark, heavy, and terrible emotions of ectopic pregnancy. You are not only grieving the loss of your baby but also the loss of your body. In my case I am also grieving the loss of my health and fertility. It is really really painful and hard but it does get easier. Please reach out if you need support. You are stronger than you know and you are never alone!