My Story: My Second Ectopic Pregnancy - Part 2: ER surgery, my infertility, and lessons I've learned

I have experienced 2 ectopic pregnancies in the past 2 years. You can read about my first ectopic pregnancy HERE. This is part 2 of my second ectopic pregnancy. You can find part 1 HERE.

...my doctor kept stressing that I needed to get to the ER immediately. I was crying but also in a little bit of denial. I asked her questions that probably sounded more like delusional rambling as I tried to process it all, "How? How was this missed again? ...this means I am closer to 11 weeks pregnant then. This isn't real...my husband isn't home, I can't take my kids to the hospital with me." The only answer she had was that she was sorry, I needed to be at the hospital in an hour or less, and the hospital knew I would be coming. For the second time in just 2 years my life was in question and it was a point where no one was sure what was going on.

I hung up the phone and was physically shaking. I could barely hold my phone to call Cory and tell him that we were going to be reliving the same misery of an ectopic pregnancy again. I think because we have been married 10 years, and have experienced pregnancy loss so many times together he knew exactly what had happened as soon as he heard me crying out the words "Cory...".

30 minutes later we were all in the car. Cory dropped me off at the ER, and then made arrangements for my kids. It felt surreal walking into the ER again sobbing to say the words "I think I am having an ectopic pregnancy again? My doctor sent y'all a message saying I was coming?" Then to get immediate sad eyes from the check-in nurse who leaned across the table to squeeze my hand and say "I am so sorry, we will take care of you."

I sat in the waiting room silently crying. I am sure I looked like a broken mess to people passing by. Cory came just a few minutes before another nurse called me back to go over my history, symptoms, etc. “When was your last period?” “What is your pain level?” “How many pregnancies have you had?” “How many live births?” With each question felt more like a kick in the gut.

I was first in line for an ultrasound. You know something is wrong when it takes two people to do your ultrasound and it’s insanely painful. Just like in the past an ultrasound was “inconclusive” for a pregnancy but I did have 2 large ovarian cysts. My blood work also showed that my HCG level had somehow come down! Everyone seemed to take a sigh of relief and was ready to stamp “miscarriage” onto my paperwork. My gut couldn’t believe it. I blamed it on PTSD and the trauma of my previous ectopic. The on call OBGYN talked to me on the phone with plans to send me home. Cory and I kept stressing how uncomfortable that made us, neither of us were sure. Finally my sweet nurse made the suggestion that I go home, but then I come back the next afternoon for new blood panels.

So we went home.

After more blood work, and another ultrasound everyone was left scratching their heads. Once again it was the fun game of “Where is the pregnancy?” I was in more pain, and was only comfortable with my knees close to my chest. I was given some glorious concoction of pain killers and gave consent to a CT scan and then we waited.

As soon as the ER doctor came in I knew. “Cysts are larger than we thought…you have some blood pooling……and we the radiologist is pretty positive it is an ectopic pregnancy, I am so sorry.” He kept talking but I was sobbing. I would need emergency surgery again and the on call OBGYN would be into talk to me about details.

Not even 5 minutes later, before we had time to process anything a nurse came in and said “I’m here to take you up to surgery.” I was wheeled up to surgery and still crying. I don’t really remember how long it took me to get prepped. Before I knew it the OBGYN was telling me it would be an “exploratory surgery.” …well neat, I’d love for you to “explore” in my abdomen. “First we will do a gentle D&C, remove the 2 large cysts, then go to the other side and check for an ectopic pregnancy.”

Cory and I said a prayer before I was wheeled off to the surgical room. Once again I was in a freezing cold room with everyone covered in surgical masks, gowns and gloves. I scooted onto the hard surgical board and quietly cried while they put the oxygen on my face.

Sure enough there was an ectopic pregnancy and they left my last fallopian tube. I woke up in HORRIFIC pain. The worst pain I have ever been in. Worse than my c-sections, worse than my last ectopic surgery. I was in recovery for hours but determined to go home. Worst. Decision. EVER. I should have let the nurses admit me when they offered. My pain was out of control. I could not sit up by myself or walk standing up straight. The bed could not shake or move at all without me being in horrific pain. My sweet husband was up with me like a newborn making sure I stayed up on my painkillers.

After a long few weeks I finally started to physically feel more “normal” and went for my post op check up. I recovered well physically and we talked about what this meant for me moving forward. Even though my last tube was saved it is “diseased” and most likely scarred. My risk for another ectopic pregnancy is really high. I am not the typical “ectopic pregnancy” case. I present everything weird and abnormally. This makes my ectopic pregnancies really hard to diagnose, I am pregnant for a long time with them, and it gets scary fast. If we were to get pregnant on my own and it was another ectopic pregnancy my other tube would need to be removed. In my doctors words “it’s not worth the risk of your life.” Which I knew but it was shocking to hear out loud. IVF is my safest option to be pregnant again. I never thought IVF would be my reality or something I would be even in breathing distance of. I now have the medical history or labels of secondary infertility, recurrent pregnancy loss, and tubal infertility.

Things I have learned from this experience:

1. I am SUPER strong. I can go through a lot and survive. One of my “worst case scenarios” became my reality. I wish I could say I went through it gracefully but I did not. It was really mess, ugly, and dark at times. But I survived. I woke up and tackled one day at a time. Now that I am 9 months down the road from the experience I keep seeing new strengths from this experience.

2. I am way more empathetic. This experience has helped me connect with a whole new group of people I never would have had the opportunity to meet. The infertility and pregnancy loss community is a tight knit one. We know a certain kind of loss that no one else can quite understand. There is an instant connection.

3. I am way more brave and bold than I have ever been before. This year has been so hard but I have put myself out there more than I ever have. I have found new talents and discovered more things that I love to do. I feel like I have more drive and confidence than I ever have before.

Above all because I am more grateful, I am closer with my children and husband, I have a stronger faith and relationship with God and the Savior.

If you are going through an ectopic pregnancy know that there is hope. I have felt the really ugly, dark, heavy, and terrible emotions of ectopic pregnancy. You are not only grieving the loss of your baby but also the loss of your body. In my case I am also grieving the loss of my health and fertility. It is really really painful and hard but it does get easier. Please reach out if you need support. You are stronger than you know and you are never alone!

My Story: My First Ectopic Pregnancy - miracles through heartbreak, loss & trauma

Years ago, I remember hearing about ectopic pregnancy or tubal pregnancy, and thinking "oh my goodness I cannot imagine going through that." I stored it in my mind in the "that will never happen to me" category.

August of 2016, I laid having my 5th ultrasound for the week, surrounded by newborn pictures, and a book titled "My Mommy is a House." I was super aware of the crinkly paper I was laying on, trying to distract myself from everything else. I was holding my breath and outside my body at the same time wondering "how is this happening?"

3 months previous I had my second miscarriage, and now my body seemed to be miscarrying again for the third time. My symptoms all pointed to miscarriage. I was devastated having two losses in a row, and now 3 all together. I was given multiple rounds of Cytotec. (Cytotec is a miscarriage-inducing drug. It encourages the body to miscarry faster.) However, my HCG levels ever so slowly continued to rise instead of drop like in my previous miscarriages. I knew my HCG numbers weren't high enough to be a healthy pregnancy but no one could seem to find it. Ultrasound after ultrasound searching for a pregnancy somewhere in my body. It was like a cruel game of "Where is Waldo?" 

My arms were a bruised mess from dozens of blood draws over the next 4 weeks. My OBGYN sent me to the emergency room because of a sharp pain in my back and my blood levels still rising. Unfortunately, the ER was so busy that night and no one really understood what was happening to me. The radiologist in the ER thought she saw a "fetal pole," in my uterus. I was sent home. I was broken, I was pregnant but also not pregnant for a month since my bleeding had started. I was 9 weeks pregnant, but not. The book "My Mommy is a House," in my doctor's ultrasound room still haunts me. I was not a house, what was I?

I was scheduled for a dilation and curettage procedure, also called a D&C two days later. The plan was to do the surgery and then test tissue hoping to find a pregnancy. I knew it was not the best plan, but there were no other options. I was broken and tired. I just wanted everything to be over. I walked into the hospital really early on a Friday morning while my husband parked the car. As I walked over to be checked in my mind was swirling with fear, anxiety, and grief. Then a loud voice came over all the speakers in the hospital. It was an Adventist hospital and they were praying. Everything and everyone stopped. The speaker asked blessings for the patients in the hospital who were sick, having surgery, or other procedures. He blessed the families of the patients and expressed feelings of gratitude. It was only about a minute long prayer, but I immediately felt like God was aware of me. 

More miracles unfolded while I was getting prepped for surgery. A beautiful picture of Christ happened to be hanging in my little curtain enclosed room. My doctor ordered another very last minute ultrasound. The ultrasound tech had an awful bedside manner but was the best tech in the hospital, and had worked there the longest. He went from super grumpy to serious as soon as my ultrasound began. I immediately started crying, fixated on the picture of Christ while my husband answered his questions. "Yes, she has had an ultrasound before, dozens!" "Her HCG level keeps climbing." "We were just here in the ER room 2 days ago." "An ectopic pregnancy has been thrown around but no one has confirmed it." "This has been going on for a month." "What is happening?!" The technician unable to confirm anything hurried out of the room.

As I was starting to sign papers to confirm I was going to have a D&C my doctor received a phone call. It was the head radiologist saying it was an ectopic pregnancy and apologizing for my experience in the ER room earlier that week. I needed surgery and fast. Ectopic pregnancies can be fatal, and damage the surrounding organs. I had been growing this ectopic pregnancy for weeks and it needed to be removed immediately.

Another miracle, they just "happened" to have more time scheduled for the operating room, and there just "happened" to be everything they needed close by for the new surgery. My mind went blank as I held my husband's hand, people swirled around me to quickly getting me prepped for a more invasive surgery. I suddenly felt a warm, heavy hand on my shoulder bringing me back to the chaos. My anesthesiologist lovingly said "breathe," and coached me to take deep breaths as tears rolled down my face. My nurses and that anesthesiologist will forever be angels to me. They were kind, loving, reassuring, and I could feel that they honestly cared for me.  

Tears continued as I moved from my hospital bed to the hard cold surgery table. The anesthesiologist continued to hold my hand and wipe my tears while my arms were being strapped down. The next thing I remember is waking up in recovery to my worst fear. I did have an ectopic pregnancy. The pregnancy had grown so much I was leaking fluid and blood into my abdomen. My left fallopian tube had expanded so much it was damaged and needed to be removed. My doctor offered to show me pictures of the surgery to show what had happened. Horrified and in shock, I said I absolutely did not want to see those photos ever in my life. She gave me a hug and said how sorry she was for my loss. 

Then we went home. I entered the hospital pregnant and I left not pregnant, in pain, my fallopian tube removed, and not sure what would happen next. 

I physically recovered well. My OB reassured that I should be able to get pregnant again, with a 25% every month.  Emotionally I was a wreck. I was sad, angry, and trying to put back the pieces of my hopes and dreams.

Life continued like nothing happened. My kids had school, laundry was waiting, dance class was still every Thursday, but I was shattered. Grief was my constant companion, but I also felt how mindful Heavenly Father was of me. There had been angels both heavenly and earthly. Friends, family, my mom, church leaders, and others rallied around us. Miracles continued to happen. I had felt carried and loved. 

I learned how strong I could be. I learned how our trials are refining us to be better. I learned how much more empathy I could have now for others struggling like me. I have never felt like my Father in Heaven was more aware of me than that crazy morning in a little hospital room. He continues to be mindful of me and my family.

I am still working through my grief. I am not fully healed, but I am moving forward. I often fall apart out of nowhere. I remind myself it's okay to not be okay.  I know that with time, faith, and patience my broken heart will be healed and God has more blessings for me than I could have ever imagined.

If you have experienced an ectopic pregnancy or are going through one now, please know that you are not alone. My ectopic pregnancies have all felt so isolating and it has been hard to find people to relate too. Grief is normal and dark, but it does get easier. I am here any time., please leave a comment, email me, or send me a message on social media. I would love to cry, vent, talk and celebrate with you. 

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time, have lazy days, treat yourself, go outside, meet with friends, and always extend grace to yourself. Most importantly know you are never alone because of a loving Savior and Heavenly Father who love you perfectly. I would also invite you to pray, even if it has been awhile or if you don't have much experience with prayer. I know you will feel God's personal love for you and can heal your broken heart.

Hang in there! You're beautiful, a warrior capable of amazing things, and have a purpose. Hope, peace, and love will come.

If you would like more resources about ectopic pregnancies, check the following links below:

• Ectopic Pregnancy by American Pregnancy Association
• Ectopic Pregnancy by The March of Dimes
• The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
• Ectopic Pregnancy 101

Healing Grief & Pregnancy Loss Through Uncomfortable Learning

I’m trying hard to get out of this emotional rut I’ve been in. Grief definitely comes in waves... I can be good for a long time. Great even. Then out of no where. Boom. I’m swallowed whole by grief and anxiety. Has anyone else felt like that?

Sleeping has been a struggle recently and when my sleep is bad everything else is a million times harder. Has anyone else had a problem sleeping after pregnancy loss or infertility?

My natural instinct, while I’m grieving, is to retreat. I become a homebody and usually cry a lot. It’s not pretty. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I’m trying to take some really amazing advice from my girl @brenebrown. To get out of this rut I’m putting myself out there into things that are uncomfortable. For example...Talking openly about my story and losses. Writing. Growing my business to save for IVF. Trying new things. Learning new skills.

I am also participating in the Walk of Hope here in Colorado this weekend. I am so excited and also anxious to participate. I haven’t ever been apart of an event like this before. I’m excited to come together as an infertility community and have a fun morning with my family.

So here is to being really, super, crazy uncomfortable so that I can learn, move through my grief, and be stronger. 💪🏻

(If you are also going to be at the Walk of Hope this Saturday look for me! My family will be there in black shirts with my heart logo on it. ♥️ Come say hi! If you would like to donate to the walk all the money goes to @resolveorg to help support, educate and empower those fighting infertility. You can donate HERE. Even a $1 is huge! Thanks so much.)

The Best Year Yet... (plus, free printable!)

I had a really great birthday on Friday! I was surprised by friends with a party. There was food, gifts, and so many people there that I love. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude to be surrounded by so many amazing people who love me and my family. I also had an amazing day with my family.

This birthday was also more emotional than I was prepared for. I get wrapped up in the "could have been" scenarios, and some grief seeps through my cracks that are still healing. I also was overwhelmed because the past year I have been through a lot! I have been at some of my lowest and darkest lows, but I have also overcome a lot. Going through infertility, to get pregnant a month before starting Clomid, then have another traumatic ectopic, surgery, and more recovery... it was a lot! I survived a lot! It sometimes seems more like a dream. 

I never really understood how people would say they were "grateful" for trials? Especially after really awful and hard ones. I now feel like I am slowly starting to understand that principle. I don't think I can say yet that I am grateful for my pregnancy losses and everything the last 2 years has brought with it. I am still grieving and desperately miss those babies, dreams, and expectations I had. I am still learning to be grateful but I am very appreciative of what those circumstances have taught me. I am becoming better because of those experiences. I am having my rough edges smoothed out, strengthening my talents, growing my testimony, and becoming the person God wants me to be. 

I started the Four Hearts Project. I am writing. I am putting myself out there more than I ever have in my whole life. I have been marketing and selling my cakes, cupcakes, caramel apples and treats. I have sold some of my photography. I am building on my skills and trying to be brave to do new things. I have met amazing, talented, strong and inspiring women! I know that I have made a few lasting friendships and I am beyond grateful for those relationships.

I have a feeling this year will be my best year yet. Being 32 is going to have more opportunities, more growth, and more love in it. There are four things I will be looking forward to this next year. 

1. The growth of my family. Whatever that may look like. I don't know if I will be pregnant this year. I hope so, but if not I will remind myself that it's ok. Heavenly Father's plan and timing are much better than mine. He knows the beginning and the end, and His plan is perfect. I know He is mindful of me and my family. I do know that my kids will continue to grow! They are such amazing little people. I love having a front row seat to watch them grow into their big personalities. Our family will grow stronger together. I am so excited for all that we will experience this next year. 
2. Learning more about what my purpose is. I strongly believe that we each have divine talents and purposes. There are only certain things that we can do to help bring more light to the world and people around us. As I have been more humble and followed through with impressions I have more opportunities have opened up. Each opportunity helps me grow as a person, and my soul feels like I am doing what I am meant to do! I can't wait to keep growing and learning. I am going to keep saying "yes!" Even if it's out of my comfort zone. 
3. Trusting and loving my body, and helping it be strong. One part of my grief and mental recovery from my losses has been about my body. I am often furious with it, that it couldn't do what it was meant to do. It struggles with getting a pregnancy in the right place. It struggles to maintain a healthy pregnancy. Surgery, grief, and hormones have taken a toll on it. Which makes me even more resentful. This next year I am looking forward to loving my body more. I am making an effort to love it more, and helping it the best way I can. Exercising regularly, eating healthy foods(and also some cake. Because..I mean it's cake), listening to what my body needs and having a positive kind self-talk. I want to love my body regardless of what has happened or what it may look like. My body is a gift.  
4. Having more fun! I can think of a few moments when I have been sucked into what I feel like I can and can't do. Either because grief is overwhelming, I feel like it's something I am too scared of or won't like, or I have these old ideas and stories I tell myself. A lot of the old stories I have been telling myself no longer serve me! So I am getting rid of them and replacing them with new ones. I want to go to Disney and Universal Studios with my kids. I am working hard to make that happen. No longer is it "we won't ever be able to afford to go there." Instead, I live in abundance and money is available. If I put value into the world, it will come back to me. I am going to treasure more late nights with my kids. Date nights with my husband. I am going to try new things I think I may not like...like camping.

Being 31 was the year of lows, learning, growth, and inspiration. 32 is going to have even more amazing opportunities. The affirmation I am focusing on this year is:

I am calm and capable.
I trust the process of life.
I trust and love my body. My body is strong.
I am open and accepting of new ideas.
I am divinely guided, What I am doing matters!

Feel free to use any of these affirmations if they serve you! You are definitely enough and deserve all the world has to offer. 

I am going opening a printable shop in the next few days, but today I'm sharing a free printable for you to download! This is a 5x7 printable. (Right click the image below, and then click "download" or "save to computer.") Hang it on your mirror or somewhere you will see it often! This next year I am going to "become the fire!" 

6 Ways To Kickstart Your Morning

Sometimes just getting out of bed is a solid win for the day. Especially on the days when grief is especially hard, or your mind is full of all the things you need to do. If you are up and going already you are already killing it today. Go you! If you need a little kick start to your day here are some things that have been helpful for me.

1- Don’t hit snooze! ⏰ That snooze starts a vicious cycle for me. Too often it’s “ok just 5 more minutes” but then times 12. 😬 You have two choices right when you wake up in the morning. Hit the ground running orrrr roll back over. I have noticed a huge difference when I immediately get out of bed.

2- Pray. 🙏🏻 I go pretty much right to my knees when I wake up. It really sets the tone to start my day. I thank my Heavenly Father for my another new day with new opportunities and ask for help to do at least one thing He would have me do. I pray for my kids and husband and anything else that we might need for the day.

(*Pause* Get my kids breakfast, lunches, and off to school🥞🥪👧🏼👦🏼🎒)

3- Drink some warm lemon and honey water.🍋Warm lemon water is so good for your gut, it’s a good detox first thing in the morning, and an immunity booster.

4- Read my scriptures.📖I love to drink my warm lemon water first thing in the morning while studying my scriptures.

5- Eat breakfast!!!🥛I am not a big breakfast eater. I often just grab a protein shake, or a green smoothie (google Kimberly Snyder’s Glowing Green Smoothie!).

6- Play some sweet tunes!! 🎶 Music really helps me get my morning going. My kids also love it. I will share my Spotify “Good Morning” playlist in the link tree on my bio.

BONUS: I also really love having an affirmation for my day, or the week depending on what I feel like I need. I can do another post on this if there is interest but for example my affirmation today is “Everything works on my behalf. New possibilities are available for me.” ♥️

I finish getting ready for the day, do some yoga or go for a walk, and then get some work done before I pick my daughter up from preschool.

Good morning! Summer is sooo close!☀️

How do you kick off your mornings?