Sharing Your Stories - Katie (missed miscarriage: faith, hope, & a rainbow)

I am so inspired and humbled when women allow me to share their stories. Especially stories of their personal struggles of pregnancy loss or infertility. I know those are stories that are kept close to their heart because that is where I keep mine. It takes so much strength and bravery for them to share. I am so grateful for the opportunity to share Katie’s story today about missed miscarriage.

A missed miscarriage is a miscarriage that shows no signs that something is wrong. Unlike other pregnancies where there is often cramping, bleeding, or pain, a missed miscarriage happens silently. Often it is not diagnosed until an ultrasound is given. Miscarriages rip the floor out from under you. They are shocking and leave a painful ache behind. They strip away the hopes and dreams you had for yourself, the baby and your family.

Katie and her husband Dallin are such a darling family. She is so full of faith, hope, and kindness. This is her story…

My husband, Dallin, and I knew that when we got married we didn’t want to wait very long to start our family. We just didn’t know when exactly Heavenly Father wanted us to start trying. So, last summer, about 6 months into our marriage we had been praying about the decision for a few weeks, we finally got the answer that we needed to start trying right away. God made it clear that I would be a mother very soon.  

Well, not even a full 4 weeks later I found myself pregnant, I knew that it was a sign that Heavenly Father really was serious when He had given us the answer to grow our little family. We couldn’t have been more excited! We started planning a life for this child and couldn’t wait to meet him or her.

I was constantly nauseous and would throw up just about everyday during the first trimester. I was starting school in the Fall and was so worried about how I would handle my classes while dealing with morning sickness, so, I asked my husband to give me a blessing from my Heavenly Father. In that blessing God said that we would have a healthy baby. I didn’t think too much of it at the time, but little did I know what it really meant.

Things had been going well in the first trimester. We had been to several prenatal appointments and heard the baby’s beautiful heartbeat a couple times. Our baby was growing and progressing towards the second trimester just fine.

Last year, on October 16, 2017 we went in for our 12 week appointment. My OB congratulated us and told us that any risks for miscarriage is significantly low at this point in the pregnancy. We were happy to hear that, but, again, we didn’t think too much of it.

The OB pulled out her doppler and started to look for our baby’s heartbeat, just a routine checkup at 12 weeks. A minute or two went by and I began to wonder why it was taking so long to find our baby’s heartbeat. Soon my OB said that our baby just might be in a weird place that was hard for the doppler to pick up the heartbeat so she moved us over to the ultrasound to check on our little one.

My husband and I started to have some concern creep in, but we both said to each other not to think of worse-case thoughts, that everything was fine. Soon we were in the middle of the ultrasound, I saw my beautiful baby. Our baby had grown so much, I could see his or her little fingers and toes and facial features, and everything looked so much more developed from the previous appointments. I was in awe for a small moment, until I looked over at my OB. She didn’t say a word, and I started to feel my heart sink for a moment wondering what was wrong. I then heard that words that I never imagined hearing, “I’m so sorry, there is no heartbeat.”

My brain wasn’t fully processing what was just said. I was in instant denial. I didn’t want to believe that this meant the worst thing that could’ve ever happened- losing a child. My sweet angel was only measuring 11 weeks and 5 days, not 12 weeks and 5 days like he/she should’ve been measuring. My husband and I just held each other and sobbed in the middle of the room, staring down at our ultrasound photos of our sweet angel who had passed away without warning.

I felt like my body betrayed me. I had been feeling pretty sick the entire pregnancy and I didn’t even have any bleeding or cramping at all when the baby died… nothing indicated that something was wrong or that the baby had passed away. I had experienced what is known as a missed miscarriage, which is when your body doesn’t recognize that the baby passed away. Due to how far along I was and that my body wasn’t going to pass the baby anytime soon, my doctor said the safest option for me so I wouldn’t hemorrhage was to have a D&C. Three days later, on October 19, we went in for surgery. We left the hospital that day with empty arms and empty in my belly.

The months following my miscarriage were full of depression. Both my husband and I struggled with our loss, but my depression lingered much longer than his. I felt I had lost my purpose and identity which was to be a mother. There was nothing I wanted more than to have my angel baby alive again.

It was so much more than “just a miscarriage.” We lost a child. For 3 months we had planned a life for this child. This sweet little one was a part of our family and now it feels like something is missing. No matter how long you got to carry your baby, whether it was one day, or 3 months, or full term- it leaves a big hole in your heart. It’s not just the mother who carries the baby who hurts, it’s just as equally painful for the father to lose a child too.

I didn’t understand why Heavenly Father told us that we would have a healthy baby when instead we lost our little angel. Throughout the months, little by little, Heavenly Father has told me that one day, later in my life, I will have an understanding of this trial, but for now I don’t have those answers.  What I have learned however, is that it turned out that God was actually referring to a different child when He said we would have a healthy baby. It had never occured to me that promised blessings to us don’t always come in order, but I can promise you that they do come.

I consider October 19 to be my angel’s birthday, after all, my angel was brought into this world on that day even though he or she wasn’t born alive. It has almost been a year since that day, and there has been so much growth and learning through it all.

I have learned that healing is a painful process and it doesn't come quick, but I have come to know and understand God so much more during this time. It’s okay to hate trials, it’s okay to struggle and to be angry and sad, even God had told me that it’s okay to feel all of those things, just as long as I don’t let it steer me off His path. I grew so much closer to God as I cried out to Him in honesty every day telling Him how much I hated this trial, and how broken I felt losing my baby. Heavenly Father is perfectly okay with us hating our trials and not being grateful for them, I’m still not grateful for this trial at all. God weeps with us and it hurts Him too to see us hurt.

A few months after our miscarriage, my husband and I got the impression we needed to start trying again. We were terrified, and I didn’t feel ready at all. I was still grieving and struggling with depression. We didn’t succeed at getting pregnant the first month we started trying. This only sent me into an even deeper depression. I began to fear that we would never be able to get pregnant after our loss.

Because of this, and on top of the constant struggle I was already dealing with from grieving over the loss, I started to experience a crisis of faith. All of those months I struggled to feel peace and comfort in my life, and I would plead for it every single day. I began to question if God was even there. One night I drove around so I could pray privately in my car… I asked Heavenly Father why my baby had to die, I begged to feel peace from this trial, I begged to have this pain and darkness taken from me. I didn’t feel anything though. I asked Heavenly Father to send me my angels to minister to me and help me through this, because I was at my breaking point, I didn’t have anymore strength to endure through this trial or face any more heartache.

After I had said that prayer I still didn’t feel anything. Why were the heavens closed during my darkest hour? I sat in my car and sobbed. I felt like giving up. Then, I heard a tap at my window. My husband had found me. I began to tell Dallin about my crisis of faith and questioning why Heavenly Father wouldn’t come help me during one of my greatest times of need. My husband then said to me, “Sometimes God answers prayers through other people, and angels are simply just messengers of God… and He sent me, I may be an imperfect angel but I am your angel and am here for you.”

I had not even told Dallin that I had been praying to have angels sent to help me and yet he said exactly what I needed to hear. God did hear me, He sent my angel (husband) to be with me during one of my darkest times. These horrible trials can leave someone in such a dark place and sometimes it feels like the heavens have closed on us and can’t hear us… but after this experience I know and can promise that God is still listening even when it feels like He isn’t. Don’t give up. I didn’t know what the future held for me and Dallin with having children, but what I did know right at that moment is that God had not abandoned me. And He won’t abandon any of His children. We can always rely on Him, even if it means patience during His silent times.

About a month later, I had the most vivid dream that I had a positive pregnancy test. When I awoke I couldn’t shake the dream from me. I didn’t feel pregnant at all, just like the previous month when we didn’t succeed, but I took a test anyway and sure enough it was positive!

It has been a terrifying experience to be pregnant again. It has been full of PTSD and anxiety. It’s strange to experience both grief and joy at the same time while being pregnant with our rainbow baby. I love the meaning of “rainbow baby.” It is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. The rainbow does not mean that the storm and devastation never happened but that something beautiful and full of light has emerged from the darkness.

After all the pain and darkness we’ve been through… we have hope, we have our rainbow. Nothing can ever replace our angel baby, for he or she was our first child and we still love, miss and think about that baby often. Our rainbow’s due date is November 19, 2018. The moment I found out that our rainbow’s due date is on the 19th it felt like this little tender mercy because our angel baby was taken out of me on October 19, 2017 and it felt like Heavenly Father wanted us to be able to associate the 19th with something happy too and not just sadness.

Am I grateful yet for the trial of losing my baby? No, still hate the trial. Do I have the answers I want as to why my baby had to die last year? No, I wish I did. I know that one day I’ll have the answers... but for now, I will continue to honor my angel baby’s life. I thank my little angel for sending me my rainbow, I only wish I could have both of you here with me. I know one day I will be reunited with my angel baby and I’ll get to raise that child. But for the time being, I will learn to live with a hole in my heart until that great reunion. My family will be complete one day when we reunite with our angel and I will forever hold on to that hope. For there is always hope. I am the mother of an angel, and I am grateful that that beautiful child chose me to be his/her mother, I will see that child again someday.

I am so unbelievably excited and happy for Katie, and Dallin. They have such a beautiful family and I am so excited to see their sweet rainbow baby. I love how her story shows that God is always in the details, especially when things are at their darkest.

Too often I push away from everyone, and sometimes God. I love Katie’s example of leaning in. She leans into her husband, her faith, and her relationship with Heavenly Father. Katie is a light and so strong! Her hope and light that she shares is everything. Her angel baby and her rainbow baby are so blessed to have her as their mother.

If you have experienced a missed miscarriage please know that you are not alone, hope does come, be kind to yourself, and reach out if there is anything I can do to help support you.

Missed Miscarriage 101

Miscarriages are so shocking and emotional. A miscarriage shatters hopes, dreams, and plans for the future. After each of my miscarriages I have felt emotionally broken. I shared a “miscarriage 101” post a few months ago. Did you know miscarriage occurs in 1 of every 4 pregnancies? You can find it a few posts back or on my blog. A type of miscarriage I hadn’t heard before is called a “missed miscarriage.”

- A missed miscarriage is a type of early pregnancy loss that occurs before 20 weeks it can also be called a “silent miscarriage,” or a “delayed miscarriage.”
- A missed miscarriage can happen completely unnoticed. In other miscarriages there is usually an indication that something is wrong. In a missed miscarriage there are no signals that a miscarriage is happening. No bleeding, spotting, or pain to indicate signal something is wrong.
- HCG labels can remain high in blood because a placenta can still function even after an embryo dies.
- To diagnose a missed miscarriage an ultrasound scan is often required.
- A missed miscarriage is also not a sign that you can’t be pregnant or a mother in the future.

I would really like to stress that if you have experienced a miscarriage or a missed miscarriage you did absolutely NOTHING wrong. Miscarriage is so awful and extremely difficult but it is not your fault, and you are not alone.

Feelings of loss, grief, numbness, anger, and shock are totally normal. You are not alone! Allow yourself time to heal and be kind to yourself as you grieve. It takes time to recover and reach out for help if you need it.

Have you ever heard of a missed miscarriage or have any questions? Please ask below or share a 💛 if you’ve experienced one so others will know they aren’t alone.

Surviving The Nightmare of Pregnancy Loss....The Odds Are In Your Favor (& Free Printable!)

Pregnancy Loss is like one of those terrifying nightmares that jolt you awake. The nightmares that make you physically jump in bed or desperately and unapologetically cry out for help. Those nightmares always come out of nowhere. They are the kind of nightmares that take a moment or two to process and put together what is real. My pregnancy losses felt like they hit out of no where. I specifically remember waking up in the middle of the night right after my last ectopic pregnancy surgery in excruciating pain, unable to sit up by myself, and emotionally broken I cried out “this cannot be real life.” I was in shock trying to process all of the loss and trauma.

Miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, chemical pregnancy, recurrent pregnancy loss, infant loss, and all of it is so so impossibly hard. There really are no words for how difficult it is. It is world shattering and leaves you feeling broken not only physically but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I have specifically thought on multiple occasions and wondered out loud “How do I move on from this? How do I survive it? I don’t know how…”

At the Bundled Blessings Fertility Event that we went to in September there was a quote that really made a powerful impact on me.

“You have survived 100% of your worst days. The odds are in your favor.” -Susie Lemmer

I still have really hard grief days. My anxiety can get out of control. Sometimes the sadness is exhausting and it’s hard to get out of bed. I can get wrapped up in the future and get anxious in what is to come. “Will I ever be pregnant again?” “Is it safe for me to carry another baby?” “Can I mentally handle another loss?” “I don’t know if I am strong enough for IVF, what if I can’t do it?” etc…etc…etc… As I have these thoughts that aren’t serving me that quote always comes to mind. It is so super empowering. I have survived 100% of the worst, ugly, hard, butt kicking days so far. So whatever might come next bring it on because I can sure as heck survive that too!

Pregnancy loss and infertility is really hard. Just life in general sometimes can be really difficult and heartbreaking. Just remember you are strong and already have survived so much! Keep trying, keep moving forward, your best is good enough, and it does get easier. The future is hopeful! The odds are in your favor!!!

I made this quote into a free 5x7 printable. Print it and put it on your mirror, in your car, next to your bed, or screen shot it and save it on your phone.

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD (FLORAL VERSION)!

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD (BLACK & WHITE VERSION!)

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

I had no idea that October would such a significant month for me. I have always loved October with the cool, crisp air it brings. It is the start of holiday season, I bust out my warm cozy sweaters, cute booties, and I love baking in the fall. October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

On October 25, 1988 President Ronald Reagan stated,
"When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.

Now, Therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim the month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this month with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities.”

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month is close to my heart. I know the brokenness that comes from pregnancy loss and the ache that lingers.

I also know there is hope and peace that slowly fills into the broken spaces. I have met a community of people & women who have been able to mourn with me and be empathetic. They are friends that I know I’ll have the rest of my life.

This month I hope you are able to find comfort, and not feel alone in grief, or learn how to better support a friend or family member. Pregnancy and infant loss matters. I’m looking forward to bringing awareness this month and honoring my 4 babies.

My Story: My Second Ectopic Pregnancy - Part 2: ER surgery, my infertility, and lessons I've learned

I have experienced 2 ectopic pregnancies in the past 2 years. You can read about my first ectopic pregnancy HERE. This is part 2 of my second ectopic pregnancy. You can find part 1 HERE.

...my doctor kept stressing that I needed to get to the ER immediately. I was crying but also in a little bit of denial. I asked her questions that probably sounded more like delusional rambling as I tried to process it all, "How? How was this missed again? ...this means I am closer to 11 weeks pregnant then. This isn't real...my husband isn't home, I can't take my kids to the hospital with me." The only answer she had was that she was sorry, I needed to be at the hospital in an hour or less, and the hospital knew I would be coming. For the second time in just 2 years my life was in question and it was a point where no one was sure what was going on.

I hung up the phone and was physically shaking. I could barely hold my phone to call Cory and tell him that we were going to be reliving the same misery of an ectopic pregnancy again. I think because we have been married 10 years, and have experienced pregnancy loss so many times together he knew exactly what had happened as soon as he heard me crying out the words "Cory...".

30 minutes later we were all in the car. Cory dropped me off at the ER, and then made arrangements for my kids. It felt surreal walking into the ER again sobbing to say the words "I think I am having an ectopic pregnancy again? My doctor sent y'all a message saying I was coming?" Then to get immediate sad eyes from the check-in nurse who leaned across the table to squeeze my hand and say "I am so sorry, we will take care of you."

I sat in the waiting room silently crying. I am sure I looked like a broken mess to people passing by. Cory came just a few minutes before another nurse called me back to go over my history, symptoms, etc. “When was your last period?” “What is your pain level?” “How many pregnancies have you had?” “How many live births?” With each question felt more like a kick in the gut.

I was first in line for an ultrasound. You know something is wrong when it takes two people to do your ultrasound and it’s insanely painful. Just like in the past an ultrasound was “inconclusive” for a pregnancy but I did have 2 large ovarian cysts. My blood work also showed that my HCG level had somehow come down! Everyone seemed to take a sigh of relief and was ready to stamp “miscarriage” onto my paperwork. My gut couldn’t believe it. I blamed it on PTSD and the trauma of my previous ectopic. The on call OBGYN talked to me on the phone with plans to send me home. Cory and I kept stressing how uncomfortable that made us, neither of us were sure. Finally my sweet nurse made the suggestion that I go home, but then I come back the next afternoon for new blood panels.

So we went home.

After more blood work, and another ultrasound everyone was left scratching their heads. Once again it was the fun game of “Where is the pregnancy?” I was in more pain, and was only comfortable with my knees close to my chest. I was given some glorious concoction of pain killers and gave consent to a CT scan and then we waited.

As soon as the ER doctor came in I knew. “Cysts are larger than we thought…you have some blood pooling……and we the radiologist is pretty positive it is an ectopic pregnancy, I am so sorry.” He kept talking but I was sobbing. I would need emergency surgery again and the on call OBGYN would be into talk to me about details.

Not even 5 minutes later, before we had time to process anything a nurse came in and said “I’m here to take you up to surgery.” I was wheeled up to surgery and still crying. I don’t really remember how long it took me to get prepped. Before I knew it the OBGYN was telling me it would be an “exploratory surgery.” …well neat, I’d love for you to “explore” in my abdomen. “First we will do a gentle D&C, remove the 2 large cysts, then go to the other side and check for an ectopic pregnancy.”

Cory and I said a prayer before I was wheeled off to the surgical room. Once again I was in a freezing cold room with everyone covered in surgical masks, gowns and gloves. I scooted onto the hard surgical board and quietly cried while they put the oxygen on my face.

Sure enough there was an ectopic pregnancy and they left my last fallopian tube. I woke up in HORRIFIC pain. The worst pain I have ever been in. Worse than my c-sections, worse than my last ectopic surgery. I was in recovery for hours but determined to go home. Worst. Decision. EVER. I should have let the nurses admit me when they offered. My pain was out of control. I could not sit up by myself or walk standing up straight. The bed could not shake or move at all without me being in horrific pain. My sweet husband was up with me like a newborn making sure I stayed up on my painkillers.

After a long few weeks I finally started to physically feel more “normal” and went for my post op check up. I recovered well physically and we talked about what this meant for me moving forward. Even though my last tube was saved it is “diseased” and most likely scarred. My risk for another ectopic pregnancy is really high. I am not the typical “ectopic pregnancy” case. I present everything weird and abnormally. This makes my ectopic pregnancies really hard to diagnose, I am pregnant for a long time with them, and it gets scary fast. If we were to get pregnant on my own and it was another ectopic pregnancy my other tube would need to be removed. In my doctors words “it’s not worth the risk of your life.” Which I knew but it was shocking to hear out loud. IVF is my safest option to be pregnant again. I never thought IVF would be my reality or something I would be even in breathing distance of. I now have the medical history or labels of secondary infertility, recurrent pregnancy loss, and tubal infertility.

Things I have learned from this experience:

1. I am SUPER strong. I can go through a lot and survive. One of my “worst case scenarios” became my reality. I wish I could say I went through it gracefully but I did not. It was really mess, ugly, and dark at times. But I survived. I woke up and tackled one day at a time. Now that I am 9 months down the road from the experience I keep seeing new strengths from this experience.

2. I am way more empathetic. This experience has helped me connect with a whole new group of people I never would have had the opportunity to meet. The infertility and pregnancy loss community is a tight knit one. We know a certain kind of loss that no one else can quite understand. There is an instant connection.

3. I am way more brave and bold than I have ever been before. This year has been so hard but I have put myself out there more than I ever have. I have found new talents and discovered more things that I love to do. I feel like I have more drive and confidence than I ever have before.

Above all because I am more grateful, I am closer with my children and husband, I have a stronger faith and relationship with God and the Savior.

If you are going through an ectopic pregnancy know that there is hope. I have felt the really ugly, dark, heavy, and terrible emotions of ectopic pregnancy. You are not only grieving the loss of your baby but also the loss of your body. In my case I am also grieving the loss of my health and fertility. It is really really painful and hard but it does get easier. Please reach out if you need support. You are stronger than you know and you are never alone!