I had a really great birthday on Friday! I was surprised by friends with a party. There was food, gifts, and so many people there that I love. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude to be surrounded by so many amazing people who love me and my family. I also had an amazing day with my family.
This birthday was also more emotional than I was prepared for. I get wrapped up in the "could have been" scenarios, and some grief seeps through my cracks that are still healing. I also was overwhelmed because the past year I have been through a lot! I have been at some of my lowest and darkest lows, but I have also overcome a lot. Going through infertility, to get pregnant a month before starting Clomid, then have another traumatic ectopic, surgery, and more recovery... it was a lot! I survived a lot! It sometimes seems more like a dream.
I never really understood how people would say they were "grateful" for trials? Especially after really awful and hard ones. I now feel like I am slowly starting to understand that principle. I don't think I can say yet that I am grateful for my pregnancy losses and everything the last 2 years has brought with it. I am still grieving and desperately miss those babies, dreams, and expectations I had. I am still learning to be grateful but I am very appreciative of what those circumstances have taught me. I am becoming better because of those experiences. I am having my rough edges smoothed out, strengthening my talents, growing my testimony, and becoming the person God wants me to be.
I started the Four Hearts Project. I am writing. I am putting myself out there more than I ever have in my whole life. I have been marketing and selling my cakes, cupcakes, caramel apples and treats. I have sold some of my photography. I am building on my skills and trying to be brave to do new things. I have met amazing, talented, strong and inspiring women! I know that I have made a few lasting friendships and I am beyond grateful for those relationships.
I have a feeling this year will be my best year yet. Being 32 is going to have more opportunities, more growth, and more love in it. There are four things I will be looking forward to this next year.
- The growth of my family. Whatever that may look like. I don't know if I will be pregnant this year. I hope so, but if not I will remind myself that it's ok. Heavenly Father's plan and timing are much better than mine. He knows the beginning and the end, and His plan is perfect. I know He is mindful of me and my family. I do know that my kids will continue to grow! They are such amazing little people. I love having a front row seat to watch them grow into their big personalities. Our family will grow stronger together. I am so excited for all that we will experience this next year.
- Learning more about what my purpose is. I strongly believe that we each have divine talents and purposes. There are only certain things that we can do to help bring more light to the world and people around us. As I have been more humble and followed through with impressions I have more opportunities have opened up. Each opportunity helps me grow as a person, and my soul feels like I am doing what I am meant to do! I can't wait to keep growing and learning. I am going to keep saying "yes!" Even if it's out of my comfort zone.
- Trusting and loving my body, and helping it be strong. One part of my grief and mental recovery from my losses has been about my body. I am often furious with it, that it couldn't do what it was meant to do. It struggles with getting a pregnancy in the right place. It struggles to maintain a healthy pregnancy. Surgery, grief, and hormones have taken a toll on it. Which makes me even more resentful. This next year I am looking forward to loving my body more. I am making an effort to love it more, and helping it the best way I can. Exercising regularly, eating healthy foods(and also some cake. Because..I mean it's cake), listening to what my body needs and having a positive kind self-talk. I want to love my body regardless of what has happened or what it may look like. My body is a gift.
- Having more fun! I can think of a few moments when I have been sucked into what I feel like I can and can't do. Either because grief is overwhelming, I feel like it's something I am too scared of or won't like, or I have these old ideas and stories I tell myself. A lot of the old stories I have been telling myself no longer serve me! So I am getting rid of them and replacing them with new ones. I want to go to Disney and Universal Studios with my kids. I am working hard to make that happen. No longer is it "we won't ever be able to afford to go there." Instead, I live in abundance and money is available. If I put value into the world, it will come back to me. I am going to treasure more late nights with my kids. Date nights with my husband. I am going to try new things I think I may not like...like camping.
Being 31 was the year of lows, learning, growth, and inspiration. 32 is going to have even more amazing opportunities. The affirmation I am focusing on this year is:
I am calm and capable.
I trust the process of life.
I trust and love my body. My body is strong.
I am open and accepting of new ideas.
I am divinely guided, What I am doing matters!
Feel free to use any of these affirmations if they serve you! You are definitely enough and deserve all the world has to offer.
I am going opening a printable shop in the next few days, but today I'm sharing a free printable for you to download! This is a 5x7 printable. (Right click the image below, and then click "download" or "save to computer.") Hang it on your mirror or somewhere you will see it often! This next year I am going to "become the fire!"
