If I could go back and tell my 23-year-old self-anything it would be, “Don’t grip so tightly to your plans. It’s ok if things don’t work out how you thought. Have faith, be still. God will never let you down. Through pain and brokenness, you will feel stronger and more love.”
I have 2 smart, hilarious, and beautiful kids; my son is 9 and my daughter is 5. I've been married 10 years. I love podcasts and reading inspiring self-help books(Brené Brown & I are meant to be BFFs). I’m a collaborator for a blog and I love writing. I’m addicted to starbursts, and peppermint Hersey’s kisses. I dream of having a vacation house in Destin, Florida. I love girls nights. We need each other as women to survive and support each other!
I am a textbook type-A personality. I am what you would probably call “a control freak.” I love lists and planning. I thought life would go as simply as get married, have babies, raise those babies, and grow old together with my husband. Sure I knew there would be bumps and trials along the way, but I had a plan! Everything was going to be fine.
I've had 1 miscarriage between my kids, that had life-threatening complications including hemorrhaging, spending a week in the hospital, and 2 units of blood transfused. Then 3 more pregnancy losses in a row, 2 being ectopic and 1 fallopian tube being removed I have learned a lot. I am still reminding myself to let go of my plans, trust God, and align my will with His, but dang it’s hard! Infertility is still so strange for me to grasp. Grief can be suffocating. Pregnancy announcements make my heart jump into my throat. My arms ache for another baby. I'm mourning those babies I have lost. I’ve wondered how I could face another day. How would I move on from this?
By doing one task at a time peace slowly starts to come. It’s ok to feel angry, hurt, grief and pain, especially when we don’t understand the “why.” By showing up every day (even just the huge win of just getting out of bed) you start making room for light to come through brokenness and answers to come. Search for love and gratitude. I know things will get better.
Tell me about you! And share with a friend that needs a little hope and love.
The Beginning...
In the past two years, I have experienced my second miscarriage, and have survived 2 ectopic or tubal pregnancies, with my last tubal pregnancy this past January. I have had 4 pregnancy losses altogether. It has been devastating to say and has left me changed. I have become well acquainted with grief, loss, depression, and PTSD. I have also become stronger, more empathetic, and grown my relationship with God and my Savior. While struggling in the trenches of this grief I have searched high and low for a safe space for healing online. I have wanted to find other women to relate to who were experiencing something similar in their motherhood, so I created the Four Hearts Project.
The Four Hearts Project is for women who are also struggling with any type of grief or loss to find a community, not struggle alone, feel hope, and find the courage to take one brave step forward. The Four Hearts Project will be a place where women can find honesty, a safe place to grieve and relate to other women about the good, the bad, and the ugly. It will be a community of people to find peace, joy, and even some laughter on their own journey whatever it looks like.
The Four Hearts Project is a place for husbands, mothers, fathers, siblings, grandparents, or friends learn how to support someone who is experiencing pregnancy loss or any type of grief. With my new labels of secondary infertility, tubal infertility, and recurrent pregnancy loss I am still on my journey of grieving, and figuring out what is next. I want to share my journey with others. So often we just see “the rainbows,” but not the journey through the storm. I often feel like I am right in the middle of a hurricane! Some days are still super hard, and some days are better. I am finding my new purpose and I hope I can lift others on their way.
“If we have no peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” -Mother Theresa
Here you can follow my journey, be strengthened, encouraged, find light in the darkness, and more. I have a lot more planned for the days, weeks, and months to come.