My Story: My Second Ectopic Pregnancy - Part 1: infertility, recurrent pregnancy loss, and the mistake

Go HERE to read my first experience with ectopic pregnancy.

I had mentally bargained with myself, and probably a little bit with God.

"Ok, I have had 2 miscarriages, 1 of which I almost bled to death. I have had an ectopic pregnancy and I lost my left fallopian tube. It was awful, but I have had my turn. I've learned a bunch, now we can move on."

A few months went by...I physically healed, I went to therapy for a few months, I was still struggling with grief but I was much better at coping, and I was functioning again. I decided to put my traumatizing fear aside and have faith to give my body another chance to have a healthy pregnancy. I was so sure that now it was "my turn." For my 5 previous pregnancies, I was pregnant in 3 months or less. It had never been a struggle to get pregnant before only to STAY pregnant. I was reassured by two different doctors that my chances of having a healthy pregnancy were good even with one fallopian tube. One doctor said, "you have the perfect pelvis!" ...uhhhh, thank you(???), weird/best compliment ever, but it gave me hope. 

INFERTILITY

3 months went by, nothing. I decided to buy HCG tests. 3 more months, nothing. I bought more HCG test and pregnancy tests in bulk on Amazon. 6 more months, nothing. Every month felt like a kick in the gut. Wondering if you're pregnant every month is a real mind game. Especially when period symptoms can also feel so much like pregnancy symptoms. 2 years had gone by since we had started trying to get pregnant. The beginning of December 2017 I went to see my OBGYN who also thought it was strange we were struggling with infertility. She ordered Clomid, progesterone, and baby aspirin for my next cycle. 

It was busy with Christmas shopping, parties, traditions, end of term school projects, programs, etc...being pregnant left my mind. I realized my period was a few days late and figured it was probably stress. After the removal of my tube my periods weren't super consistent anyway.

December 22nd, the weekend before Christmas, on a whim I took a pregnancy test. It was negative, again, of course, and I threw it in the trash. I kept hustling around the house cleaning to get ready for Christmas. I went into clean my bathroom and happened to glance in the trash at my previously discarded pregnancy test. "Huh, that looks positive...... WAIT! That IS positive!" Heart racing I lunged for my Costco sized supply of pregnancy tests. My next test was positive too. For wanting to be pregnant and trying for so long I was honestly surprised. I frantically called my doctor, voice shaking, tears starting to puddle up in my eyes then quietly roll down my cheeks from both fear and excitement.

"Should I go in, do I have a blood test, should I start the progesterone now, how long have I even been pregnant, what if I already took something I shouldn't and hurt the baby?!" So many questions frantically flew out of me a million miles an hour. The nurse was so kind but said because of the Christmas weekend they would be leaving the office early and wouldn't be back until Tuesday. A blood test wouldn't matter so I should try to stay optimistic. She suggested I start the progesterone and also the baby aspirin. I was ready to cancel all holiday travel plans, one of my biggest fears was I would start to lose the baby and have to do it in front of everyone. I didn't want that vulnerability, heartbreak, and pain put on display. The nurse reassured me to go on our holiday 8-hour road trip to see family and have a great time.

I floated blissfully through Christmas. I was on cloud 9, already talking to the baby through my thoughts, and thought this was the most perfect Christmas gift. This is what we waited for. This is what the 2 years of struggle, infertility, and loss had been for. I learned a bunch, my relationship with my husband Cory grew, my testimony was stronger...we had made it. A few days later, on December 27th we started the drive to my mom's house. Cory and I quietly talked all things baby during the long drive. We only had 45 minutes until we got to my mom's house and then I felt it.

RECURRENT PREGNANCY LOSS

My heart jumped into my throat and I immediately thought "No...no way! It's not happening again." The rest of the world phased out into a blur, Cory sounded muffled and far away as I went to check with my mind racing. "Please no, please, please not again." Sure enough, I was bleeding. Bright red blood that I knew all to well from my 3 previous losses. I slowly and quietly said, "I'm bleeding." Cory's face went white and he looked at me with disbelief. I hit the dashboard and I'm pretty sure I swore under my breath as I went numb. He said something but I don't really remember the rest of the drive. I think I prayed, begged, and bartered with God, and I tried to convince myself that this wasn't happening again. This was "my turn" after all. This was our perfect little gift. Surely this would not happen again, it had to be a joke. 

We pulled into my mom's driveway and my kids jumped out of the car excited to see grandma. I hurried to call the nurse. I demanded to not be put on hold, I needed to talk to someone now. I told the nurse in between sobs what was happening. She said "oh sweetie, I am so sorry this is happening again. It sounds like a miscarriage and it will just happen. There is nothing we can do. Go to the emergency room there if the pain is too much and get back here to see Dr. Z when you can, we will get you right in." 

I hung up and we sobbed. We sat in the car crying and hugging for so long my mom and sister came to check and see if we were ok. This was my nightmare. Losing another baby and now telling everyone about it with all my broken pieces exposed. I couldn't stop crying, I was hysterical. My kids started to worry so I pulled myself together and we opened other Christmas gifts that had been waiting for us. I was like a zombie trying to smile and be excited. I told Cory I was not going to stay. I needed to go home ASAP because one I wanted to grieve alone, and two I needed to be close to my OBGYN since my pregnancy losses have gone from "normal" to life-threatening fast. The next day was my son's birthday. The plan was I would make his Star Wars birthday cake, we would open presents, spend the day together, and I would fly home that evening. I somehow managed some sleep and then had a fun birthday with my son. Making birthday cake is one of my love languages and Hayden's cake turned out just how I imagined it in my head. He loved his scooter and other birthday surprises. I loved celebrating him, and kissed on him and my daughter as much as I could. The bleeding kept coming and I knew the pregnancy was over.

Cory drove me to the airport, we hugged goodbye in front of security for a long time, he kissed me at least a dozen times, and I caught my flight. I listened to a podcast about healing from recurrent pregnancy loss and grief the whole flight home. A close friend picked me up from the airport to take me home. She lovingly loaded me up with food, bath salts, lotion, and said to call if I needed anything while I was home alone. I had been quietly emotionless like a robot until I walked into my home, closed the door behind me, and sank to the floor in a broken heap with sobs that sounded more like howls. I limped upstairs to bed and fell asleep.

The Mistake

My doctor was able to get me in the next day. Going into the OBGYN when you are in the middle of a pregnancy loss is hell. There is no other way to say it. It's hell. Baby pictures and pregnant mothers everywhere. Gag. After an ultrasound that showed nothing in my uterus, my doctor said she thought it was a miscarriage and my body had done all the hard part on its own. She diagnosed me with recurrent pregnancy loss, we talked about what that meant for my fertility,  and to come back in about a month.

3 weeks went by with "recurrent pregnancy loss" still ringing in my ears but I still felt weird and just off. I knew something wasn't right and I started to have pain on my right side. At my checkup, I mentioned the pain to my doctor and she replied it was most likely a cyst from ovulation. It had been a month since I first started bleeding so that timeline made sense. I had a pelvic exam and my doctor was even more convinced I had an ovulation cyst. She also said "The chances of having another ectopic pregnancy opposite from the diseased tube is very, very, very, super unlikely. That would be way rare." I asked for blood work just to double check my HCG level. Three days later I still didn't have my blood results. Since it was a Friday and I didn't want to wait anymore I called my doctors office. The nurse said she would track my blood results down for the lab. 15 minutes later my doctor's office called. When I answered it was my doctor, not the nurse, and I knew immediately something was wrong. 

"Megan, your HCG from Tuesday has gone up to 147 since your initial 42. You need to get to the ER immediately. ....I am so sorry, but we missed it again and made a mistake. I think this is another ectopic pregnancy."

to be continued....

I stop at this part of the story not to be extremely annoying and leave a giant cliffhanger, but to point out a few things this part of my story taught me.

1. For a long time, I felt like God had given and then cruelly taken something away. Especially after I waited for 2 years to be pregnant again! How was this the nature of God? What I lacked to see then, blinded by grief were the blessings that were flooding in through this trial. Family and friends that rallied to comfort me like angels. We were able to find a flight at the perfect time so I could be with Hayden on his birthday and get home asap. Inspiration to know something was going on with my body and I should have it pursued. God has a perfect love for each of us. God doesn't remove trials but He does strengthen us. God doesn't turn His back on us but is constantly lifting us. We just have to look for His love and goodness. Once I actively started looking for even the smallest blessings my heart started to change and feel lighter.

2. The world keeps moving even when it stands still for you. Be kind to yourself while you feel all the emotions. Selfcare is so important. I was on my own while my family was in Utah for about a week and a half. I wanted to be alone to grieve and I didn't want my kids to miss out on fun holiday time with family. I spent quite a few days locked up in my room. I was in a super dark place. I didn't shower, personal hygiene went out the window, I didn't get dressed, and I barely left my room to eat. One Saturday on a whim I threw on a bra, some sweats, and a comfy shirt. I put my hair up in a messy bun and drove myself to the movies. I watched The Greatest Showman on my own with snacks and a blanket. It was one of the best things I could have done. It reminded me that life was still happening outside my room and I could move with it if I wanted. It would be insanely hard, but life was not going to wait for me. 

3. Be my own advocate, trust my gut and what my body is trying to tell me. I know doctors are super knowledgeable. I really appreciate them and all the schooling, work, and training they go through. However, I am my best advocate and no one knows my body like I do. Thank goodness I pushed and asked more questions about how I was feeling. Thank goodness I requested another blood test just to double check. If I hadn't pushed my outcome could have taken a much more tragic turn.

The next part of this story is in some ways more difficult. It is really when everything blew up and where my PTSD stems from. I am starting to get to a place where I am grateful for this first part. It was long and a drug out process but it helped prepare me for something I didn't even see coming. 

Progress Over Perfection: Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy

A week ago on Instagram I had a poll that asked: “do you ever feel inadequate in one or multiples roles/areas in your life?” I also asked what letter grade you would give yourself currently and what letter grade you think you should be. The result was 100% said yes to feeling inadequate most of the time. The average letter grade people said they currently are is a C or B- and everyone said they should be an A- or an A. I am totally a perfectionist, and a planner. I set super high probably absurd expectations for myself. I know exactly what it is like to feel inadequate, and I would never want anyone else to feel that way.

I have noticed that while processing my grief I tend to overcompensate and especially stretch myself thin in all areas of my life. It is like I had all this extra love and energy to give to a new baby, a new person in our family, new dreams, and now it has nowhere to go. I try and do all the things. Keep my house spotless, plan healthy delicious meals and snacks, have fun crafts for my kids, plan surprises for them, have adventures for my family, be a better friend, wife, and daughter, do more, accomplish more, BE MORE! A+ all the time or inadequacy takes off like a runaway train.

Feeling inadequate is THE worst. If I feel inadequate it goes hand in hand with other emotions. Inadequate & powerless. Inadequate & negative self-talk. Inadequate & worthless. Inadequate & shame. I get burnt out, more depressed, and more anxious. My weaknesses seem to be exaggerated and I feel I am failing in at least one or more(sometimes all!) areas of my life.

Society, our culture, and social media have set an exceptionally high bar of perfection. We see everyone at their very best and compare those snapshot moments to our worst moments. It is impossible to do all the things and be all the things to everyone 100% all the time. We are flawed. We are meant to be flawed. Beautifully, perfectly, divinely flawed. 

Instead of an A+, 100% perfection, our efforts of a B- or a C are perfectly acceptable and enough. B- and a C is still well over passing y’all! That is killing it in my book! I also guarantee your efforts are viewed as an A to everyone else. We are so hard on ourselves! When I allow myself to know that my best might be a C it changes my perception completely.

We shouldn’t stop trying to getting better and attain new goals. I don’t think we should settle for mediocre, but the goal should be progress and not perfection. Focusing on progress helps us be happier, feel peace, and have stronger relationships with those around us. Progress helps us see where we want to go, be humble, grateful, and empathetic to others.

We are meant to be imperfect, if we did things A+ all the time there would be no need for a Savior. We are meant to come to Him and be perfected in time while we learn. There are only certain things that you can do! No one can do things the way you can. I guarantee you are doing much better than you think you are. We are absolutely and completely enough. We are divine. We are loved.

Bundled Blessings Fertility

Yesterday I shared the story from the gorgeous Santanna. I shared that we talked last week and it was so amazing talking to her. Santanna is one of 5 women who volunteer their time and work for Bundled Blessings Fertility. If you are going through infertility you NEED to know about Bundled Blessings.

The women at Bundled Blessings are all infertility warriors. They know first hand the pain, heartache, loneliness, and financial burden that comes with infertility.  They raise awareness about infertility and also provide grants to families diagnosed with infertility to assist with treatment, adoption, and surrogacy costs. *cue ugly cry* It is such a selfless and inspired thing to do. This is their third year offering grants to couples at an annual event. In three years 11 grants have been given, 4 babies born, 1 adoption and 3 are on the way! They are changing the lives of families! 

This year they are having 2 events. The first one is in Pleasant Grove, Utah on September 8th. The second is in Boise, Idaho on November 10th. It sounds like such an amazing night and I plan on participating in one or maybe both events.

Right now the grant applications for both UT and ID are OPEN! Bundled Blessings Fertility Foundation grants are funded through private and corporate sponsors throughout the year. There is a $75 processing fee for your application. Couples need to have an infertility diagnosis and also show a financial need. The night is also filled with a catered dinner, inspiring speakers, and a dinner auction that is added to the grant amounts. At the event, grants will be chosen blindly through a lottery and you need to be at the event to claim your grant.

The events are such an amazing opportunity to not only receive possibly financial help through a grant, but also to continue to grow the infertility community. I am so grateful for all the women, and couples I have been able to meet the past 2 years. It is such a strong, loving, and joyful community. I hope that I can meet some of you at the Bundled Blessings events!! Go to their website for more information, fill out your own grant application, or donate to their organization.

Sharing Your Stories - Santanna (hope, helping others, & male factor infertility)

One of my goals in starting this blog and community was to help others find support through their journey of infertility, pregnancy loss, grief, and life overall. I want to help be an advocate for others who might need it. Something I didn't expect was I personally would make such wonderful connections with people. Santanna and I spoke on the phone for about an hour one night. She is amazing and so inspiring. I immediately loved her and her warm caring soul.

I think so many can relate to Santanna's and her husband Cole's journey with infertility. Santanna is such an amazing woman and helps me feel so much hope. She took a really difficult trial and turned it into something that made her stronger and now she is helping so many people volunteering for the Bundled Blessings Fertility Foundation.

The Bundled Blessings Fertility Foundation mission is "to raise awareness about infertility and provide grants to families diagnosed with infertility to assist with treatment, adoption, and surrogacy costs." Santanna and the amazing women at Bundled Blessings have events in just a few months to offer fertility grants to families! Because the costs of infertility treatments or adoption are so high this opportunity is so life-changing for so many. 

I know you will love Santanna and be inspired by her like I am. This is her story...

My husband, Cole, and I were typical newlyweds; young, healthy and in love. We knew we wanted kids right away, but we weren’t exactly trying, just not preventing. As the months went by and my periods kept coming, I began to obsess about how we weren’t getting pregnant.  I had an aunt that was currently in the midst of secondary infertility and began to worry that maybe we had something wrong also. I called my doctor to see if we could get in for some tests. They all said that we had to wait until we had been trying for at least one year. I grew more and more bitter as the rest of our “year” went on. I was so confused as to why we weren’t getting pregnant when we had prayed about it and felt that it was time.

Once our year was finally up, Cole went to see a urologist where he took in a semen sample. We then learned that Cole’s sperm count and mobility were not where they should be. His doctor put him on Clomid for a month to see how much his numbers would increase. Before that month was up, we had our appointment with our fertility specialist. During our consultation, Dr. S informed us that Cole’s numbers would most likely improve from being on Clomid, but not enough to get us pregnant. They ran tests on me, and all of them came back normal. We felt comforted knowing that only one of us had a fertility diagnosis. 

At that time, we were told that our best option was to do In-vitro fertilization (IVF). We could start with intrauterine insemination (IUI), but our chances of getting pregnant were comparable to winning the lottery. We decided on IVF and our life quickly turned into weekly appointments, shots, blood draws, medical bills, and medication after medication while juggling the rest of our everyday lives. All in all, our IVF cycle went very smoothly. They were able to retrieve twenty-seven eggs from me, but this caused me to get ovarian hyperstimulation. This was honestly the worst part for me. I retained a lot of fluid and had to have a procedure that was very similar to egg retrieval but without being under anesthesia.  

Over the next few days, we learned that twenty out of twenty-seven eggs were mature enough to fertilize. Eleven of them fertilized, but then four didn’t make it. This left us with seven and sitting much lower than our doctor had predicted. After we transferred two embryos to my uterus, we found out the next day that the rest of our embryos died. This left us with nothing to freeze. This affected me much harder than I anticipated and took a bit of time to grieve at losing the chance of a potential sibling for our baby. However, we tried to remain hopeful that our two embryos would take, but if they didn’t we would have to start IVF all over again. I couldn’t even think about it. The whole process was too fresh in my mind. I honestly wasn’t sure I was ready to endure all of it again, let alone pay another $15,000 in hopes for a baby. We had decided that if it didn’t result in a baby we were going to go to Europe.   

Fourteen days later, standing in my work parking lot I took a phone call informing me that we were in fact pregnant! In an instant, the last year and a half was all worth it and our prayers had been answered. I was finally carrying a child, something we had prayed for and cried over for so long. Our son, Conrad, was born March 30th, 2014.

A year and a half later we decided we wanted to give IVF another chance in hopes to have a sibling for our sweet little boy. We had an appointment with Dr. S and talked about the medication changes we would make in hopes of having leftover embryos this time. The next step was just waiting for my period to start. After 40 days, which isn’t out of the norm for me, I finally caved and bought a pregnancy test, knowing that I was just wasting my money to get a negative result. However, to our surprise, we were actually pregnant! I remember waking my husband up freaking out that the pregnancy test in my hands said “pregnant.” Cole insisted that it was lying seeing how we had a less than one percent chance of ever conceiving on our own and to call our doctor. After demanding an immediate blood draw it was confirmed that we were indeed pregnant. We welcomed our second son, Raithel (Ry-thel), on March 5th, 2016.

A year and a half later in the thick of motherhood and doing my best to raise our little boys, I found myself in the same situation, waiting for my period to come. One store bought test later and we found out we were again expecting another miracle baby. We welcomed our sweet little girl Gentry, on April 9th, 2018.

Our infertility chapter seems so long ago and I’m still amazed to have three sweet little ones when I questioned if we would ever have one. The most important thing I have learned from this is to trust my Heavenly Father and His timing. I truly hope that I always remember this journey. I hope I remember the longing and the pain, so I remember to never take being a mom for granted. 

Going through infertility has also brought me so many amazing opportunities to connect with others. I currently volunteer for Bundled Blessings Fertility Foundation that raises funds and awareness for couples diagnosed with infertility, to assist them with adoption, surrogacy, or treatment cost. I never thought I would view our fertility as a blessing, but I do. I’m so thankful for this trial my husband and I went through. Not only for the strength it brought us as a couple, but also for the opportunities it has given me to help others. We realize that our infertility journey is easier and shorter than most and that some endure much more and some are still waiting for their baby. I hope you know we pray for you and we hope that you never feel alone in your journey.

I think so many can relate to Santanna's story. There are so many couples that are young and healthy not expecting any issues with infertility. Infertility has so many ups and downs. I am so inspired by how Santanna and Cole faced their infertility with hope and strength. It is so powerful that she has gratitude for this trial. That is something I am still working towards. Now she is also helping others! The Bundled Blessings Fertility Foundation is amazing!!! If you haven't checked out their website and social media outlets you must! They are doing amazing things and sharing so much light and love. We all could use more of that and I really appreciate them.

Santanna's bravery and vulnerability to share her family's story has given me so much hope. Isn't she and her family gorgeous?! I will be at the Bundled Blessings Fertility Foundation and I am so excited to meet her in person.

Male Factor Infertility 101

There is often a misconception that infertility is only a women's health issue. However, 30% of infertility cases are a malefactor primary health issue. It is also estimated that only 20% of men in couples struggling to conceive will come forward for testing. Men diagnosed with male factor infertility can also feel similar traumatic emotional pain. There can be feelings of shock, guilt, stigma, anger, fear, anxiety, and low self-esteem. 

Here are a few facts about male factor infertility:

1. Men often have no obvious or apparent symptoms of infertility. 
2. A few causes of male infertility can be sperm production problems, structural abnormalities, ejaculatory disorders, and immunity issues.
3. According to the Mayo Clinic, nearly 50% of men dealing with male factor infertility have low sperm counts as the primary factor. Low sperm counts are the most common cause of infertility.
4. Morphology: when the sperm is unable to reach or penetrate the egg due to abnormal sperm structure or shape.
5. Motility: when the sperm has an impaired mobility or movement.
6. There is a myth that age does not affect male fertility. However, as men age, their fertility and the health of sperm also decline. 
7. Some healthy lifestyle changes to help decrease the risk of male factor infertility are: no use of tobacco or marijuana, stop or decrease alcohol intake, maintain a healthy weight, exercise in moderation, and take your vitamins(vitamins C and E are especially important in male fertility). 
8. There are many preventable, treatable, and reversible causes of male factor infertility. It is so important to see your doctor or specialist for an evaluation and treatment if needed.

The more we talk about infertility the less stigma everyone will feel. There is no shame or embarrassment from an infertility diagnosis. If you are interested in more information about male factor infertility, Resolve and FertilityIQ are both excellent resources. No one has the exact same infertility story but together we can lift each other to be stronger as we find solutions, and hope.