Progress Over Perfection: Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy

A week ago on Instagram I had a poll that asked: “do you ever feel inadequate in one or multiples roles/areas in your life?” I also asked what letter grade you would give yourself currently and what letter grade you think you should be. The result was 100% said yes to feeling inadequate most of the time. The average letter grade people said they currently are is a C or B- and everyone said they should be an A- or an A. I am totally a perfectionist, and a planner. I set super high probably absurd expectations for myself. I know exactly what it is like to feel inadequate, and I would never want anyone else to feel that way.

I have noticed that while processing my grief I tend to overcompensate and especially stretch myself thin in all areas of my life. It is like I had all this extra love and energy to give to a new baby, a new person in our family, new dreams, and now it has nowhere to go. I try and do all the things. Keep my house spotless, plan healthy delicious meals and snacks, have fun crafts for my kids, plan surprises for them, have adventures for my family, be a better friend, wife, and daughter, do more, accomplish more, BE MORE! A+ all the time or inadequacy takes off like a runaway train.

Feeling inadequate is THE worst. If I feel inadequate it goes hand in hand with other emotions. Inadequate & powerless. Inadequate & negative self-talk. Inadequate & worthless. Inadequate & shame. I get burnt out, more depressed, and more anxious. My weaknesses seem to be exaggerated and I feel I am failing in at least one or more(sometimes all!) areas of my life.

Society, our culture, and social media have set an exceptionally high bar of perfection. We see everyone at their very best and compare those snapshot moments to our worst moments. It is impossible to do all the things and be all the things to everyone 100% all the time. We are flawed. We are meant to be flawed. Beautifully, perfectly, divinely flawed. 

Instead of an A+, 100% perfection, our efforts of a B- or a C are perfectly acceptable and enough. B- and a C is still well over passing y’all! That is killing it in my book! I also guarantee your efforts are viewed as an A to everyone else. We are so hard on ourselves! When I allow myself to know that my best might be a C it changes my perception completely.

We shouldn’t stop trying to getting better and attain new goals. I don’t think we should settle for mediocre, but the goal should be progress and not perfection. Focusing on progress helps us be happier, feel peace, and have stronger relationships with those around us. Progress helps us see where we want to go, be humble, grateful, and empathetic to others.

We are meant to be imperfect, if we did things A+ all the time there would be no need for a Savior. We are meant to come to Him and be perfected in time while we learn. There are only certain things that you can do! No one can do things the way you can. I guarantee you are doing much better than you think you are. We are absolutely and completely enough. We are divine. We are loved.

Sharing Your Stories - Angela (loss, molar pregnancy, & strength)

I am so privileged that I get to be surrounded by so many inspiring women. My cousin Angela is no exception. Angela and I have walked hand in hand through the years experiencing miscarriage and pregnancy loss. Our stories and lives are not exactly the same, but they have paralleled each other. I am so grateful that I have had her to cry with, talk to, and vent when my heart has been broken. 

She is a beautiful wife, and mother of two. Her two young daughters are so lucky to have a mother who is the perfect example of unwavering faith, kindness, joy, and finding hope in devastating situations. 

As I was experiencing my ectopic pregnancy earlier this year, she was experiencing a molar pregnancy. I admire her so much for being strong through uncertainty and continual blows of life-changing news.

This is her story...

"Before being blessed with my first daughter Hayley, I experienced two miscarriages. My second daughter Emrey came just 23 months after Hayley was born.  As I prepared myself to become pregnant again, I had many thoughts. The most prominent thought being, “You have already experienced two miscarriages. You have gone through enough. Everything will be fine.”  

On January 9, 2018, I went into my first OB appointment thinking I knew everything about infertility and pregnancy loss.  At that appointment, I was told that I had a complete molar pregnancy.  I had never heard of a molar pregnancy before. A molar pregnancy is a tumor that develops in the uterus at the beginning of pregnancy. Molar pregnancies always end in a loss. I left that appointment with a scheduled D&C two days later. 

After my D&C, I did my best to get back to life. I had two previous D&C’s before Hayley, so in a way, I knew the routine. My treatment plan following my D&C from a molar pregnancy was a little different. In rare cases, molar tissue may remain in the uterus and continue to grow following a D&C. This can be very dangerous. The condition is called persistent gestational trophoblastic neoplasia.  To treat GTN one must have chemotherapy in order to eradicate the remaining tissue. To check for GTN, I was scheduled to have my blood drawn once a week to monitor my HCG levels. HCG levels become elevated if there is persistent molar tissue in the body. My first scheduled lab draw went great. In all honesty, I was not expecting anything else. I had the same thought process as before. “You have now experienced three miscarriages. You have gone through enough. Everything will be fine. “ 

I was running on the treadmill (trying to get back to normal life) when I got a call from my OB. My second-week lab results had come back with an elevated HCG. The next week at my blood draw my HCG levels would need to come into normal range. If it did not, then I would be sent to an oncologist to begin Chemotherapy treatment.  I ended that call feeling completely confused.  In my mind, I thought, “I have experienced enough. Everything will be fine.” 

The next week came and my results were in. I had GTN. During the next eight weeks of my life, I was repeatedly poked by needles, had endless doctor appointments, and weekly chemotherapy treatments. 

My chemotherapy treatments are now over. I am in remission. The doctors recommend that I wait a year to try and have another baby. The next year will be spent having my HCG level tested often to ensure I am molar tissue free. 

This diagnosis has left me a lot of time for thought and growth. I have never been one to beat any odds.  The year 2018 has been my year to beat all the odds. 1 in 4 women experience miscarriage. I am the one. 1 in 1,000 pregnancies is a molar pregnancy. I am the one. 1 in 5 women experience a condition called GTN following a D&C of a molar pregnancy. I am the one. 

Would I trade being the one for the lessons that I have learned? I am still working on being thankful for my trial, but as each day passes, I become more grateful for a Heavenly Father and a Savior who knows me.  They know what trials will best strengthen me and make me the best ONE." 

I love how Angela is turning to the Savior and Heavenly Father to be "the one" He would have her be. Even if that requires trial, heartbreak, and lots of patience. Thank you, Angela, for sharing your story!

If you are experiencing a molar pregnancy please reach out if you need support. Also, share some love for Angela below for her bravery of owning her story.

"Waiting"

I love artwork. It is one of the ways I’ve been able to heal. One of my favorite artists is Caitlin Connolly  She is so unbelievably talented. I have a few prints by Caitlin and she just shared this painting called “waiting,” on her Instagram.

This painting took my breath away. It is my soul. My heart. That is what I feel like. Especially the past few days.

I’m waiting. Waiting for my arms to cradle a baby again. Waiting to do more fertility tests. Waiting to heal emotionally and physically. Waiting for more clarity on what Heavenly Father has planned for me and my family.

Caitlin also battled infertility and has the cutest 6-month-old twin boys. She is so inspiring. There was a great news article about an interview she did, it is awesome. I’ll add the link to the link tree in my bio.

Today is a better day. I feel like I’ve been able to breathe a little easier and start tackling the day again. Most days I really am ok. Great even. ...but sometimes a wave of grief just comes from nowhere that brings me to my knees.

If you feel like you’ve been brought to your knees keep praying and keep trying. God wants to hear from you and he wants to bless you. Sometimes the blessings don’t come right away, when we want, or how we think they should. There is so much power in being still and waiting. Then trust Heavenly Father has a plan to have everything work out better than you could imagine.♥️♥️♥️

I Am Brave, Strong, and Broken

I had a really great Mother’s Day yesterday, but it was also very bittersweet. I only cried a couple times at church and I didn’t have to leave early like I did last year. But today is hard again. Like really hard and maybe a little bit of a Mother’s Day emotional overflow. I’ve cried happy tears, and very broken tears today.

I keep trying to convince myself that I don’t need another baby. I am so happy with my family. I am so blessed. I have a 9-year-old and 5-year-old. I have BIG kids! I haven’t been in the “diaper bag” phase for a long long time.

Then it hits me. Hard. I ache for another baby. My heart aches. My empty arms ache. The grief of losing my ability to even try again without risking my life is heavy.

It is definitely all the feelings. I called my husband and cried. I called my friend who can empathize and we cried together. I’ve eaten an enormous amount of skittles. I have to rally and be strong for my kids and getting through the day. There is homework, dinner, and baths. Then at bedtime, after they are in bed I will probably break down.

I’m going to let myself feel all of it. Process it. Own it. Be kind to myself and then move through it. Tomorrow will be a new day.

Being brave, strong, and broken is going to shape me into the person, wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend I was meant to be. The person God would have me be. ...but today, today just hurts.

And that’s ok...♥️

Does anyone have a favorite scripture, song, mantra, or quote that fills you with light or hope? Please share in the comments below. I would super appreciate it so I can read through them after my kids are in bed. 💕

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you! Happy Mother’s day if you are a mom in heart and still yearning to have a sweet baby in your arms. Happy Mother’s day to those who like me have both heavenly and earthly angels. Happy Mother’s day to all the moms who are doing their very best.

As women, we have divine power to nurture and love all of those around us. We are able to love unconditionally and lift others. A woman’s love reminds us of how God unconditionally loves us.

To everyone you may nurture, your own children or children around you, you are important. You are significant. You are divine. You are enough, what you do and who you are matters.

It is ok to have all of the different feelings today. Be kind to yourself. I know how aware God is of each of us and knows our struggles. Have hope that good will come and you are so loved.