A big part of who I am is my spirituality, my relationship with our Heavenly Father, and the Savior. I know we are all children of God. God loves and knows each of us personally. We were sent a Savior so we could be saved, have comfort in all things, and return to live with our Father and families eternally. However, this year I have never felt more broken, abandoned and forsaken. In previous times of trial, I have felt carried to higher ground to be able to heal. After a year and a half of infertility, to finally be pregnant, and then lose my fourth baby along with my ability to safely be pregnant again I have felt so alone. I have sobbed while on my knees in prayer begging for relief, had the feeling of overcoming despair, and grief becoming more like a dark place I could not climb out of.
Then anger began to set in. Where was God? Where was He now that I needed Him most? For weeks I retreated and isolated myself. At the counsel of inspired church leaders, my husband, and friends I slowly started being brave to move forward. To keep trying regardless of my broken pieces and blindly stumbling to stand again.
The more I kept taking tiny steps forward, the more the "abandonment" felt like more of an opportunity. This was a time my faith could be perfected. I could be strengthened and slowly start polishing out my rough edges. I was not going to let this one moment, this one situation define who I am. Infertility does not define me, and God was teaching me just who I could become. I still ache and yearn to be a mother again, but I have more empathy now than I ever have had before. I feel like I can deeply relate to those other women and couples who have walked the trenches of infertility and loss. I can lift those going through grief. I understand exactly what that feels like and can more personally mourn with those that mourn.
Slowly I could see the hand of God in my life. He had been there all along and little moments of hope would come in. I actively started looking for Him in my life. Sometimes it came from a simple text from a friend. Even weeks, and months later I needed to know someone was thinking of me and would not judge me if I said, "I am struggling today." Sometimes it has come from little thoughts and impressions. For example, starting to act on my talent of baking has been a huge blessing. Not only has it provided some extra income, but it has been a better healthy way for me to take a break from my grief and focus on something else. Starting this Four Hearts Project has been such a meaningful way for me to heal. It has also been so powerful meeting a community of women who have felt and thought similar things that I have. There must be "opposition in all things," and because I have felt forsaken, grief, pain, and loneliness I have also been able to feel pure joy and relief.
One of my favorite scriptures right now is:
The entire 24th chapter of Isaiah is close to my heart, but this scripture has especially resonated with me recently. Even when grief and loneliness are consuming and it feels like it has lasted a lifetime, in the big eternal perspective it is really only a "small moment." God will never withhold blessings from his children. Not only will he not withhold them he will prepare "great mercies." He is merciful, kind, and has a pure love for us. He will comfort, He will lift, He will succor, and He will give more blessings than we could ever hope for.
I am still working on growing my faith. Somedays the weight of infertility is still too much, but as I actively seek my Heavenly Father and the Savior I am able to move through the grief, have courage, and wake up to a new day with new blessings, and new opportunities for good.
Up next: Part 2 - Angels Around Us