Growing Into Something More...

“...There are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were - better than what we were, more understanding than what we were, more empathetic than what we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.” -Thomas S. Monson, “I Will Not Fail Thee, nor Forsake Thee,” October 2013

This talk was exactly what I needed today, you can watch or read it HERE if you're interested. 

To be totally vulnerable and honest, there are times I have not only felt alone and wondered “why me?” but have felt forsaken. Loss after loss. Fail after fail. Shoved past my limits. It all felt like too much and I was broken.

I think often we don’t talk about those really hard and dark emotions because we feel ashamed and guilty for having them. You wonder if you’re the only person who has felt like that and if only you had more faith like so and so. I guarantee you’re not alone. I have felt all of those powerful and damaging emotions. You do not need to have shame or guilt over anything you feel, but you also don’t need to give it power over your thoughts and life.

Now being a little further down the road I still stumble, but I try to let go of thoughts that don’t serve me. Especially the ones from shame. Then I try to replace those thoughts and stories I’ve been telling myself with affirmations focusing on peace, hope, focus, strength, etc. I know that a loving God never forsakes His children. Our trials are opportunities. Opportunities to be “more” and “better!”

From heartbreak, grief, loss, trials, and struggle we are able to grow into something better than we ever could have hoped to be. 🌱

Drowning vs Swimming

This morning I mentioned to my husband sometimes it feels like I’m drowning. Drowning from grief. Drowning from trying to be a great mom this summer. Drowning at things I think I should be accomplishing. #recoveringperfectionist 🙋🏼‍♀️😬

He immediately said, “You’re swimming.” ...his short & to the point response was honestly irritating at first, which he could tell by the look on my face. He went on to say “You’re in the middle of the ocean. You want to be comfortable on the beach, but you’re not right now. That’s ok. You aren’t drowning. You’re swimming to where you want to be. Every day you try and keep going doing your best is you swimming.”

Mind-blown. 🤯 Ugly tears. 😭

I thought his insights were so powerful. It reminded me of the scriptures. Isaiah 43:2, 4 & the first part of verse 5:
“2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
4 Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee: therefore will I give men for thee, and people for thy life.
5 Fear not: for I am with thee”

We are swimming through our challenges we have and most importantly we are NOT doing it alone. Through it all Christ is always there with us. We are so precious to Him & He loves us perfectly. He will always help us carry on when we feel like we cannot.

“Just keep swimming...” -Dory 🐟 (and my husband) 😊

What do you do to “keep swimming”every day?

Healing Spiritually Through Infertility & Loss: Part 1 - Feeling Abandoned by God

A big part of who I am is my spirituality, my relationship with our Heavenly Father, and the Savior. I know we are all children of God. God loves and knows each of us personally. We were sent a Savior so we could be saved, have comfort in all things, and return to live with our Father and families eternally. However, this year I have never felt more broken, abandoned and forsaken. In previous times of trial, I have felt carried to higher ground to be able to heal. After a year and a half of infertility, to finally be pregnant, and then lose my fourth baby along with my ability to safely be pregnant again I have felt so alone. I have sobbed while on my knees in prayer begging for relief, had the feeling of overcoming despair, and grief becoming more like a dark place I could not climb out of. 

Then anger began to set in. Where was God? Where was He now that I needed Him most? For weeks I retreated and isolated myself. At the counsel of inspired church leaders, my husband, and friends I slowly started being brave to move forward. To keep trying regardless of my broken pieces and blindly stumbling to stand again. 

The more I kept taking tiny steps forward, the more the "abandonment" felt like more of an opportunity. This was a time my faith could be perfected. I could be strengthened and slowly start polishing out my rough edges. I was not going to let this one moment, this one situation define who I am. Infertility does not define me, and God was teaching me just who I could become. I still ache and yearn to be a mother again, but I have more empathy now than I ever have had before. I feel like I can deeply relate to those other women and couples who have walked the trenches of infertility and loss. I can lift those going through grief. I understand exactly what that feels like and can more personally mourn with those that mourn. 

Slowly I could see the hand of God in my life. He had been there all along and little moments of hope would come in. I actively started looking for Him in my life. Sometimes it came from a simple text from a friend. Even weeks, and months later I needed to know someone was thinking of me and would not judge me if I said, "I am struggling today." Sometimes it has come from little thoughts and impressions. For example, starting to act on my talent of baking has been a huge blessing. Not only has it provided some extra income, but it has been a better healthy way for me to take a break from my grief and focus on something else. Starting this Four Hearts Project has been such a meaningful way for me to heal. It has also been so powerful meeting a community of women who have felt and thought similar things that I have. There must be "opposition in all things," and because I have felt forsaken, grief, pain, and loneliness I have also been able to feel pure joy and relief.

One of my favorite scriptures right now is:

The entire 24th chapter of Isaiah is close to my heart, but this scripture has especially resonated with me recently. Even when grief and loneliness are consuming and it feels like it has lasted a lifetime, in the big eternal perspective it is really only a "small moment." God will never withhold blessings from his children. Not only will he not withhold them he will prepare "great mercies." He is merciful, kind, and has a pure love for us. He will comfort, He will lift, He will succor, and He will give more blessings than we could ever hope for. 

I am still working on growing my faith. Somedays the weight of infertility is still too much, but as I actively seek my Heavenly Father and the Savior I am able to move through the grief, have courage, and wake up to a new day with new blessings, and new opportunities for good. 

Up next: Part 2 - Angels Around Us