This morning I mentioned to my husband sometimes it feels like I’m drowning. Drowning from grief. Drowning from trying to be a great mom this summer. Drowning at things I think I should be accomplishing. #recoveringperfectionist 🙋🏼♀️😬
He immediately said, “You’re swimming.” ...his short & to the point response was honestly irritating at first, which he could tell by the look on my face. He went on to say “You’re in the middle of the ocean. You want to be comfortable on the beach, but you’re not right now. That’s ok. You aren’t drowning. You’re swimming to where you want to be. Every day you try and keep going doing your best is you swimming.”
Mind-blown. 🤯 Ugly tears. 😭
I thought his insights were so powerful. It reminded me of the scriptures. Isaiah 43:2, 4 & the first part of verse 5:
“2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
4 Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee: therefore will I give men for thee, and people for thy life.
5 Fear not: for I am with thee”
We are swimming through our challenges we have and most importantly we are NOT doing it alone. Through it all Christ is always there with us. We are so precious to Him & He loves us perfectly. He will always help us carry on when we feel like we cannot.
“Just keep swimming...” -Dory 🐟 (and my husband) 😊
What do you do to “keep swimming”every day?
Healing Grief & Pregnancy Loss Through Uncomfortable Learning
I’m trying hard to get out of this emotional rut I’ve been in. Grief definitely comes in waves... I can be good for a long time. Great even. Then out of no where. Boom. I’m swallowed whole by grief and anxiety. Has anyone else felt like that?
Sleeping has been a struggle recently and when my sleep is bad everything else is a million times harder. Has anyone else had a problem sleeping after pregnancy loss or infertility?
My natural instinct, while I’m grieving, is to retreat. I become a homebody and usually cry a lot. It’s not pretty. 🤦🏼♀️
I’m trying to take some really amazing advice from my girl @brenebrown. To get out of this rut I’m putting myself out there into things that are uncomfortable. For example...Talking openly about my story and losses. Writing. Growing my business to save for IVF. Trying new things. Learning new skills.
I am also participating in the Walk of Hope here in Colorado this weekend. I am so excited and also anxious to participate. I haven’t ever been apart of an event like this before. I’m excited to come together as an infertility community and have a fun morning with my family.
So here is to being really, super, crazy uncomfortable so that I can learn, move through my grief, and be stronger. 💪🏻
(If you are also going to be at the Walk of Hope this Saturday look for me! My family will be there in black shirts with my heart logo on it. ♥️ Come say hi! If you would like to donate to the walk all the money goes to @resolveorg to help support, educate and empower those fighting infertility. You can donate HERE. Even a $1 is huge! Thanks so much.)
New Places In Our Heart...
Have you ever experienced heartbreak? I am talking a knock you over, life-shattering, struggle, and heartbreak. The experiences that make you cry out in despair “why me?!” or “when will this end?” The despair hurts too much and we would do anything to get rid of the suffering. Nothing can really describe that type of heartbreak. When your cries don’t even qualify as a sob, but whatever is past sobbing….
My own heart has been shattered every time I have realized I’m losing another baby. Or when I have woken up from another emergency surgery to find out “the worst case scenario” did actually happen.
The struggle of infertility and pregnancy loss is so heavy and consuming. I would not wish that kind of despair on anyone. But what if… What if that kind of deep suffering is to help us grow and be more than you ever could have imagined? So that we can bring new places in our heart into “existence.”
Those new places can offer more love and more empathy. The suffering lead us to make more friendships and have more meaningful relationships. The new places can hold more kindness, and more strength to do things that were once too difficult.
I am still in a place where I am not fully thankful for my suffering. It still feels way too raw and difficult most days. …but I am at least hopeful that the suffering Léon Bloy describes, will bring new places of my heart into existence, and that is a giant win for this phase of my journey.
I would love to hear what you think of this quote by Léon Bloy. Have you felt new places in your heart form from suffering?
Healing Spiritually Through Infertility & Loss: Part 1 - Feeling Abandoned by God
A big part of who I am is my spirituality, my relationship with our Heavenly Father, and the Savior. I know we are all children of God. God loves and knows each of us personally. We were sent a Savior so we could be saved, have comfort in all things, and return to live with our Father and families eternally. However, this year I have never felt more broken, abandoned and forsaken. In previous times of trial, I have felt carried to higher ground to be able to heal. After a year and a half of infertility, to finally be pregnant, and then lose my fourth baby along with my ability to safely be pregnant again I have felt so alone. I have sobbed while on my knees in prayer begging for relief, had the feeling of overcoming despair, and grief becoming more like a dark place I could not climb out of.
Then anger began to set in. Where was God? Where was He now that I needed Him most? For weeks I retreated and isolated myself. At the counsel of inspired church leaders, my husband, and friends I slowly started being brave to move forward. To keep trying regardless of my broken pieces and blindly stumbling to stand again.
The more I kept taking tiny steps forward, the more the "abandonment" felt like more of an opportunity. This was a time my faith could be perfected. I could be strengthened and slowly start polishing out my rough edges. I was not going to let this one moment, this one situation define who I am. Infertility does not define me, and God was teaching me just who I could become. I still ache and yearn to be a mother again, but I have more empathy now than I ever have had before. I feel like I can deeply relate to those other women and couples who have walked the trenches of infertility and loss. I can lift those going through grief. I understand exactly what that feels like and can more personally mourn with those that mourn.
Slowly I could see the hand of God in my life. He had been there all along and little moments of hope would come in. I actively started looking for Him in my life. Sometimes it came from a simple text from a friend. Even weeks, and months later I needed to know someone was thinking of me and would not judge me if I said, "I am struggling today." Sometimes it has come from little thoughts and impressions. For example, starting to act on my talent of baking has been a huge blessing. Not only has it provided some extra income, but it has been a better healthy way for me to take a break from my grief and focus on something else. Starting this Four Hearts Project has been such a meaningful way for me to heal. It has also been so powerful meeting a community of women who have felt and thought similar things that I have. There must be "opposition in all things," and because I have felt forsaken, grief, pain, and loneliness I have also been able to feel pure joy and relief.
One of my favorite scriptures right now is:
The entire 24th chapter of Isaiah is close to my heart, but this scripture has especially resonated with me recently. Even when grief and loneliness are consuming and it feels like it has lasted a lifetime, in the big eternal perspective it is really only a "small moment." God will never withhold blessings from his children. Not only will he not withhold them he will prepare "great mercies." He is merciful, kind, and has a pure love for us. He will comfort, He will lift, He will succor, and He will give more blessings than we could ever hope for.
I am still working on growing my faith. Somedays the weight of infertility is still too much, but as I actively seek my Heavenly Father and the Savior I am able to move through the grief, have courage, and wake up to a new day with new blessings, and new opportunities for good.
Up next: Part 2 - Angels Around Us
Sharing Your Stories - Viann (A Brave New Ending)
I am so inspired by connecting with other women and hearing your stories. Your stories of loss, grief, struggle, success, and love are so amazing. Viann is from Houston, Texas. I relate to her story so much. As I was reading it I kept thinking "me too! I know that feeling." Viann is so strong and filled with love. She is a warrior fighting to grow her family. I love how she always turns to hope and is looking to the future with faith. I know you will love her and her story...
"Our long and bumpy road of infertility began 9 years ago. After numerous tests and failed treatments, IVF was our only hope of conceiving. In 2015, the procedure was successful. Early in the twin pregnancy, one of our embryos stopped developing, however subsequent ultrasounds revealed a strong heartbeat with the second. Our prayers had finally been answered and our dream of having a child was becoming a reality. At nearly 10 weeks, the doctor uttered the words no one ever wants to hear, “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.”
Overwhelmed with grief, and so many other unnamed emotions, the months and years that have followed haven’t been easy. No one is ever really prepared for how to cope with loss. It’s not something that is taught in school and in most families, not discussed openly. Men and women grieve differently and we would soon learn, these strong emotions began to manifest in different ways.
In the months prior to IVF, I made it my mission to prepare my body for pregnancy the best I could. It was almost like training for a marathon. My regimen included an anti-inflammatory diet and numerous vitamins and supplements. I felt strong and hopeful and started a blog to share my journey and encourage others struggling to conceive.
Soon after the loss, that feeling of hope began to fade. Between the IVF medications, and miscarriage, the hormonal rollercoaster was unrelenting. I no longer felt I had a reason to focus on my health. There was nothing to look forward to and feelings of apathy set in. Not sure how to help me through this emotional struggle, my husband did the best he could to be supportive and loving, while dealing with his own feelings of grief. He often found solace in lone fishing trips and spending time with nature.
Three years later, drawing strength from our faith in God and each other, the healing process continues to be a work in progress. Anyone who has experienced loss will tell you it changes you. We soon realized this life changing event was stressful on our marriage. Communication has been key and we are both learning how to lean in to the pain and allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest about our emotions with one another.
By reading and studying emotional resilience, grief and loss, we have started on a new path of healing by embracing and reckoning with the painful scars that infertility has left behind. Facing a lifetime of childlessness, we are rumbling through the middle of the messy emotions. Grief has no timeline and no one really knows how long the rumble will last.
While life hasn’t turn out the way we had planned, we are hopeful for the future. We are learning to flip the script and write a brave new ending. One where it’s okay to be sad and joyful, to grieve a painful loss and embrace the wonders of life with gratitude and most importantly, together."
I love the idea of a "brave new ending." It is heartbreaking and life-shattering when life doesn't go as planned. I think it is so powerful how Viann honored her emotions. She let herself feel all of them, including gratitude! She is taking it one day at a time and being brave to find a new ending that I know will be perfect for her and her beautiful family.
