I am super independent. I am also a recovering perfectionist. It is a super neat combo 😂 I like to do things in a certain way by myself. I have always liked to be the one that GIVES help, but RECEIVING help was a hot no thanks.🙅🏼♀️
The past 2 years have made me seriously humble myself. After having multiple pregnancy losses I have never been in such a low and dark place. It felt like I had been shoved down a flight of stairs, in the dark, and I was laying flat on my back super hurt. I was broken. I needed time to figure out how to get my feet under me again to stand up. I desperately needed to ask for help.
The physical pain was so intense I didn’t really move for a few days. I needed meals brought in for my family, and people brought by lunch. We needed help with my kids during trips to the er, surgery, to recover, and check-ups.
I have asked to talk with church leaders about things I was struggling with spiritually. I reached out to friends who had been through similar experiences for help and receive empathy. Sometimes they just let me cry and that is all I needed. I went to my doctor for help because I was struggling with sleeping, PTSD, and depression. I was super open with my husband on how I was feeling and what I needed from him.
Asking for help is NOT a weakness! That is a big life lesson that has really sunk in this year. Again, ASKING FOR HELP IS NOT WEAKNESS! Helping people is such a gift and a talent, but being able to ask for help is also an important talent to develop. It takes courage to ask for help.
When life is too dark, too hard, and you feel weak, the bravest thing you can do is ask for help. People want to help! They want the opportunity to bless and strengthen those around them.
I know that one of the reasons why we go through trials and hard moments in life is so we can help answer prayers and be God’s hands. Let people do that for you! God might be trying to answer your prayers through someone else.
I want to help! Reach out if you ever need to vent, talk, cry, etc. You are not ever, ever alone.
What do you think is the hardest thing about asking for help?
More About Me...
How is the gratitude journaling going?! I hope it has been a good experience so far. I want to hear all about it!
I wanted to continue to show and talk about some of the things in my life I am grateful for. The hard, ugly, broken parts of life are always a big part of our stories but I also have some really awesome parts that fill me up with light and hope.
I have two beautiful kids. My son Hayden is 9. He is brilliant and so funny. I joke he is my “unicorn kid.” He is so naturally obedient and seriously the sweetest kid you will ever meet. He joined our family super quickly. I was just 22 when this handsome little boy came into my life. Because he arrived so quickly I never thought in a million years I would ever be considering IVF now, years later. I had lots of time to spend just with him before my daughter was born. I am so grateful for that time we had just us because I really think it helped us have a super close relationship. He was and still is my little buddy.
My daughter Halli is 5. I had a really awful miscarriage before her and she really helped heal part of my heart. Halli is fearless, has a huge imagination, loves making people laugh, and walks to the beat of her own drum. She definitely keeps me on my toes with her big ideas and opinions. Since Hayden is in school all day we get so much one on one time to spend together.
I was SO stressed about their age difference. They are 4 years and 3 months apart exactly. I should have known that Heavenly Father had the bigger picture and has the perfect plan for us. They are so close and the best of friends. They help each other in ways I never could.
As I have had 3 losses in a row it has brought our family closer. I try to plan more things to do together so we can make lasting memories. We snuggle more, play more games, and I love hanging out with this crew. My kids often ask about babies and pray for them constantly. It has been something we have all gone through together and a learning experience.
I’m so grateful for those two gorgeous kids of mine. They are often my tender mercies and make me laugh on hard days.
About Me
If I could go back and tell my 23-year-old self-anything it would be, “Don’t grip so tightly to your plans. It’s ok if things don’t work out how you thought. Have faith, be still. God will never let you down. Through pain and brokenness, you will feel stronger and more love.”
I have 2 smart, hilarious, and beautiful kids; my son is 9 and my daughter is 5. I've been married 10 years. I love podcasts and reading inspiring self-help books(Brené Brown & I are meant to be BFFs). I’m a collaborator for a blog and I love writing. I’m addicted to starbursts, and peppermint Hersey’s kisses. I dream of having a vacation house in Destin, Florida. I love girls nights. We need each other as women to survive and support each other!
I am a textbook type-A personality. I am what you would probably call “a control freak.” I love lists and planning. I thought life would go as simply as get married, have babies, raise those babies, and grow old together with my husband. Sure I knew there would be bumps and trials along the way, but I had a plan! Everything was going to be fine.
I've had 1 miscarriage between my kids, that had life-threatening complications including hemorrhaging, spending a week in the hospital, and 2 units of blood transfused. Then 3 more pregnancy losses in a row, 2 being ectopic and 1 fallopian tube being removed I have learned a lot. I am still reminding myself to let go of my plans, trust God, and align my will with His, but dang it’s hard! Infertility is still so strange for me to grasp. Grief can be suffocating. Pregnancy announcements make my heart jump into my throat. My arms ache for another baby. I'm mourning those babies I have lost. I’ve wondered how I could face another day. How would I move on from this?
By doing one task at a time peace slowly starts to come. It’s ok to feel angry, hurt, grief and pain, especially when we don’t understand the “why.” By showing up every day (even just the huge win of just getting out of bed) you start making room for light to come through brokenness and answers to come. Search for love and gratitude. I know things will get better.
Tell me about you! And share with a friend that needs a little hope and love.
The Beginning...
In the past two years, I have experienced my second miscarriage, and have survived 2 ectopic or tubal pregnancies, with my last tubal pregnancy this past January. I have had 4 pregnancy losses altogether. It has been devastating to say and has left me changed. I have become well acquainted with grief, loss, depression, and PTSD. I have also become stronger, more empathetic, and grown my relationship with God and my Savior. While struggling in the trenches of this grief I have searched high and low for a safe space for healing online. I have wanted to find other women to relate to who were experiencing something similar in their motherhood, so I created the Four Hearts Project.
The Four Hearts Project is for women who are also struggling with any type of grief or loss to find a community, not struggle alone, feel hope, and find the courage to take one brave step forward. The Four Hearts Project will be a place where women can find honesty, a safe place to grieve and relate to other women about the good, the bad, and the ugly. It will be a community of people to find peace, joy, and even some laughter on their own journey whatever it looks like.
The Four Hearts Project is a place for husbands, mothers, fathers, siblings, grandparents, or friends learn how to support someone who is experiencing pregnancy loss or any type of grief. With my new labels of secondary infertility, tubal infertility, and recurrent pregnancy loss I am still on my journey of grieving, and figuring out what is next. I want to share my journey with others. So often we just see “the rainbows,” but not the journey through the storm. I often feel like I am right in the middle of a hurricane! Some days are still super hard, and some days are better. I am finding my new purpose and I hope I can lift others on their way.
“If we have no peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” -Mother Theresa
Here you can follow my journey, be strengthened, encouraged, find light in the darkness, and more. I have a lot more planned for the days, weeks, and months to come.