I am so inspired and humbled when women allow me to share their stories. Especially stories of their personal struggles of pregnancy loss or infertility. I know those are stories that are kept close to their heart because that is where I keep mine. It takes so much strength and bravery for them to share. I am so grateful for the opportunity to share Katie’s story today about missed miscarriage.
A missed miscarriage is a miscarriage that shows no signs that something is wrong. Unlike other pregnancies where there is often cramping, bleeding, or pain, a missed miscarriage happens silently. Often it is not diagnosed until an ultrasound is given. Miscarriages rip the floor out from under you. They are shocking and leave a painful ache behind. They strip away the hopes and dreams you had for yourself, the baby and your family.
Katie and her husband Dallin are such a darling family. She is so full of faith, hope, and kindness. This is her story…
My husband, Dallin, and I knew that when we got married we didn’t want to wait very long to start our family. We just didn’t know when exactly Heavenly Father wanted us to start trying. So, last summer, about 6 months into our marriage we had been praying about the decision for a few weeks, we finally got the answer that we needed to start trying right away. God made it clear that I would be a mother very soon.
Well, not even a full 4 weeks later I found myself pregnant, I knew that it was a sign that Heavenly Father really was serious when He had given us the answer to grow our little family. We couldn’t have been more excited! We started planning a life for this child and couldn’t wait to meet him or her.
I was constantly nauseous and would throw up just about everyday during the first trimester. I was starting school in the Fall and was so worried about how I would handle my classes while dealing with morning sickness, so, I asked my husband to give me a blessing from my Heavenly Father. In that blessing God said that we would have a healthy baby. I didn’t think too much of it at the time, but little did I know what it really meant.
Things had been going well in the first trimester. We had been to several prenatal appointments and heard the baby’s beautiful heartbeat a couple times. Our baby was growing and progressing towards the second trimester just fine.
Last year, on October 16, 2017 we went in for our 12 week appointment. My OB congratulated us and told us that any risks for miscarriage is significantly low at this point in the pregnancy. We were happy to hear that, but, again, we didn’t think too much of it.
The OB pulled out her doppler and started to look for our baby’s heartbeat, just a routine checkup at 12 weeks. A minute or two went by and I began to wonder why it was taking so long to find our baby’s heartbeat. Soon my OB said that our baby just might be in a weird place that was hard for the doppler to pick up the heartbeat so she moved us over to the ultrasound to check on our little one.
My husband and I started to have some concern creep in, but we both said to each other not to think of worse-case thoughts, that everything was fine. Soon we were in the middle of the ultrasound, I saw my beautiful baby. Our baby had grown so much, I could see his or her little fingers and toes and facial features, and everything looked so much more developed from the previous appointments. I was in awe for a small moment, until I looked over at my OB. She didn’t say a word, and I started to feel my heart sink for a moment wondering what was wrong. I then heard that words that I never imagined hearing, “I’m so sorry, there is no heartbeat.”
My brain wasn’t fully processing what was just said. I was in instant denial. I didn’t want to believe that this meant the worst thing that could’ve ever happened- losing a child. My sweet angel was only measuring 11 weeks and 5 days, not 12 weeks and 5 days like he/she should’ve been measuring. My husband and I just held each other and sobbed in the middle of the room, staring down at our ultrasound photos of our sweet angel who had passed away without warning.
I felt like my body betrayed me. I had been feeling pretty sick the entire pregnancy and I didn’t even have any bleeding or cramping at all when the baby died… nothing indicated that something was wrong or that the baby had passed away. I had experienced what is known as a missed miscarriage, which is when your body doesn’t recognize that the baby passed away. Due to how far along I was and that my body wasn’t going to pass the baby anytime soon, my doctor said the safest option for me so I wouldn’t hemorrhage was to have a D&C. Three days later, on October 19, we went in for surgery. We left the hospital that day with empty arms and empty in my belly.
The months following my miscarriage were full of depression. Both my husband and I struggled with our loss, but my depression lingered much longer than his. I felt I had lost my purpose and identity which was to be a mother. There was nothing I wanted more than to have my angel baby alive again.
It was so much more than “just a miscarriage.” We lost a child. For 3 months we had planned a life for this child. This sweet little one was a part of our family and now it feels like something is missing. No matter how long you got to carry your baby, whether it was one day, or 3 months, or full term- it leaves a big hole in your heart. It’s not just the mother who carries the baby who hurts, it’s just as equally painful for the father to lose a child too.
I didn’t understand why Heavenly Father told us that we would have a healthy baby when instead we lost our little angel. Throughout the months, little by little, Heavenly Father has told me that one day, later in my life, I will have an understanding of this trial, but for now I don’t have those answers. What I have learned however, is that it turned out that God was actually referring to a different child when He said we would have a healthy baby. It had never occured to me that promised blessings to us don’t always come in order, but I can promise you that they do come.
I consider October 19 to be my angel’s birthday, after all, my angel was brought into this world on that day even though he or she wasn’t born alive. It has almost been a year since that day, and there has been so much growth and learning through it all.
I have learned that healing is a painful process and it doesn't come quick, but I have come to know and understand God so much more during this time. It’s okay to hate trials, it’s okay to struggle and to be angry and sad, even God had told me that it’s okay to feel all of those things, just as long as I don’t let it steer me off His path. I grew so much closer to God as I cried out to Him in honesty every day telling Him how much I hated this trial, and how broken I felt losing my baby. Heavenly Father is perfectly okay with us hating our trials and not being grateful for them, I’m still not grateful for this trial at all. God weeps with us and it hurts Him too to see us hurt.
A few months after our miscarriage, my husband and I got the impression we needed to start trying again. We were terrified, and I didn’t feel ready at all. I was still grieving and struggling with depression. We didn’t succeed at getting pregnant the first month we started trying. This only sent me into an even deeper depression. I began to fear that we would never be able to get pregnant after our loss.
Because of this, and on top of the constant struggle I was already dealing with from grieving over the loss, I started to experience a crisis of faith. All of those months I struggled to feel peace and comfort in my life, and I would plead for it every single day. I began to question if God was even there. One night I drove around so I could pray privately in my car… I asked Heavenly Father why my baby had to die, I begged to feel peace from this trial, I begged to have this pain and darkness taken from me. I didn’t feel anything though. I asked Heavenly Father to send me my angels to minister to me and help me through this, because I was at my breaking point, I didn’t have anymore strength to endure through this trial or face any more heartache.
After I had said that prayer I still didn’t feel anything. Why were the heavens closed during my darkest hour? I sat in my car and sobbed. I felt like giving up. Then, I heard a tap at my window. My husband had found me. I began to tell Dallin about my crisis of faith and questioning why Heavenly Father wouldn’t come help me during one of my greatest times of need. My husband then said to me, “Sometimes God answers prayers through other people, and angels are simply just messengers of God… and He sent me, I may be an imperfect angel but I am your angel and am here for you.”
I had not even told Dallin that I had been praying to have angels sent to help me and yet he said exactly what I needed to hear. God did hear me, He sent my angel (husband) to be with me during one of my darkest times. These horrible trials can leave someone in such a dark place and sometimes it feels like the heavens have closed on us and can’t hear us… but after this experience I know and can promise that God is still listening even when it feels like He isn’t. Don’t give up. I didn’t know what the future held for me and Dallin with having children, but what I did know right at that moment is that God had not abandoned me. And He won’t abandon any of His children. We can always rely on Him, even if it means patience during His silent times.
About a month later, I had the most vivid dream that I had a positive pregnancy test. When I awoke I couldn’t shake the dream from me. I didn’t feel pregnant at all, just like the previous month when we didn’t succeed, but I took a test anyway and sure enough it was positive!
It has been a terrifying experience to be pregnant again. It has been full of PTSD and anxiety. It’s strange to experience both grief and joy at the same time while being pregnant with our rainbow baby. I love the meaning of “rainbow baby.” It is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. The rainbow does not mean that the storm and devastation never happened but that something beautiful and full of light has emerged from the darkness.
After all the pain and darkness we’ve been through… we have hope, we have our rainbow. Nothing can ever replace our angel baby, for he or she was our first child and we still love, miss and think about that baby often. Our rainbow’s due date is November 19, 2018. The moment I found out that our rainbow’s due date is on the 19th it felt like this little tender mercy because our angel baby was taken out of me on October 19, 2017 and it felt like Heavenly Father wanted us to be able to associate the 19th with something happy too and not just sadness.
Am I grateful yet for the trial of losing my baby? No, still hate the trial. Do I have the answers I want as to why my baby had to die last year? No, I wish I did. I know that one day I’ll have the answers... but for now, I will continue to honor my angel baby’s life. I thank my little angel for sending me my rainbow, I only wish I could have both of you here with me. I know one day I will be reunited with my angel baby and I’ll get to raise that child. But for the time being, I will learn to live with a hole in my heart until that great reunion. My family will be complete one day when we reunite with our angel and I will forever hold on to that hope. For there is always hope. I am the mother of an angel, and I am grateful that that beautiful child chose me to be his/her mother, I will see that child again someday.
I am so unbelievably excited and happy for Katie, and Dallin. They have such a beautiful family and I am so excited to see their sweet rainbow baby. I love how her story shows that God is always in the details, especially when things are at their darkest.
Too often I push away from everyone, and sometimes God. I love Katie’s example of leaning in. She leans into her husband, her faith, and her relationship with Heavenly Father. Katie is a light and so strong! Her hope and light that she shares is everything. Her angel baby and her rainbow baby are so blessed to have her as their mother.
If you have experienced a missed miscarriage please know that you are not alone, hope does come, be kind to yourself, and reach out if there is anything I can do to help support you.
