Go HERE to read my first experience with ectopic pregnancy.
I had mentally bargained with myself, and probably a little bit with God.
"Ok, I have had 2 miscarriages, 1 of which I almost bled to death. I have had an ectopic pregnancy and I lost my left fallopian tube. It was awful, but I have had my turn. I've learned a bunch, now we can move on."
A few months went by...I physically healed, I went to therapy for a few months, I was still struggling with grief but I was much better at coping, and I was functioning again. I decided to put my traumatizing fear aside and have faith to give my body another chance to have a healthy pregnancy. I was so sure that now it was "my turn." For my 5 previous pregnancies, I was pregnant in 3 months or less. It had never been a struggle to get pregnant before only to STAY pregnant. I was reassured by two different doctors that my chances of having a healthy pregnancy were good even with one fallopian tube. One doctor said, "you have the perfect pelvis!" ...uhhhh, thank you(???), weird/best compliment ever, but it gave me hope.
INFERTILITY
3 months went by, nothing. I decided to buy HCG tests. 3 more months, nothing. I bought more HCG test and pregnancy tests in bulk on Amazon. 6 more months, nothing. Every month felt like a kick in the gut. Wondering if you're pregnant every month is a real mind game. Especially when period symptoms can also feel so much like pregnancy symptoms. 2 years had gone by since we had started trying to get pregnant. The beginning of December 2017 I went to see my OBGYN who also thought it was strange we were struggling with infertility. She ordered Clomid, progesterone, and baby aspirin for my next cycle.
It was busy with Christmas shopping, parties, traditions, end of term school projects, programs, etc...being pregnant left my mind. I realized my period was a few days late and figured it was probably stress. After the removal of my tube my periods weren't super consistent anyway.
December 22nd, the weekend before Christmas, on a whim I took a pregnancy test. It was negative, again, of course, and I threw it in the trash. I kept hustling around the house cleaning to get ready for Christmas. I went into clean my bathroom and happened to glance in the trash at my previously discarded pregnancy test. "Huh, that looks positive...... WAIT! That IS positive!" Heart racing I lunged for my Costco sized supply of pregnancy tests. My next test was positive too. For wanting to be pregnant and trying for so long I was honestly surprised. I frantically called my doctor, voice shaking, tears starting to puddle up in my eyes then quietly roll down my cheeks from both fear and excitement.
"Should I go in, do I have a blood test, should I start the progesterone now, how long have I even been pregnant, what if I already took something I shouldn't and hurt the baby?!" So many questions frantically flew out of me a million miles an hour. The nurse was so kind but said because of the Christmas weekend they would be leaving the office early and wouldn't be back until Tuesday. A blood test wouldn't matter so I should try to stay optimistic. She suggested I start the progesterone and also the baby aspirin. I was ready to cancel all holiday travel plans, one of my biggest fears was I would start to lose the baby and have to do it in front of everyone. I didn't want that vulnerability, heartbreak, and pain put on display. The nurse reassured me to go on our holiday 8-hour road trip to see family and have a great time.
I floated blissfully through Christmas. I was on cloud 9, already talking to the baby through my thoughts, and thought this was the most perfect Christmas gift. This is what we waited for. This is what the 2 years of struggle, infertility, and loss had been for. I learned a bunch, my relationship with my husband Cory grew, my testimony was stronger...we had made it. A few days later, on December 27th we started the drive to my mom's house. Cory and I quietly talked all things baby during the long drive. We only had 45 minutes until we got to my mom's house and then I felt it.
RECURRENT PREGNANCY LOSS
My heart jumped into my throat and I immediately thought "No...no way! It's not happening again." The rest of the world phased out into a blur, Cory sounded muffled and far away as I went to check with my mind racing. "Please no, please, please not again." Sure enough, I was bleeding. Bright red blood that I knew all to well from my 3 previous losses. I slowly and quietly said, "I'm bleeding." Cory's face went white and he looked at me with disbelief. I hit the dashboard and I'm pretty sure I swore under my breath as I went numb. He said something but I don't really remember the rest of the drive. I think I prayed, begged, and bartered with God, and I tried to convince myself that this wasn't happening again. This was "my turn" after all. This was our perfect little gift. Surely this would not happen again, it had to be a joke.
We pulled into my mom's driveway and my kids jumped out of the car excited to see grandma. I hurried to call the nurse. I demanded to not be put on hold, I needed to talk to someone now. I told the nurse in between sobs what was happening. She said "oh sweetie, I am so sorry this is happening again. It sounds like a miscarriage and it will just happen. There is nothing we can do. Go to the emergency room there if the pain is too much and get back here to see Dr. Z when you can, we will get you right in."
I hung up and we sobbed. We sat in the car crying and hugging for so long my mom and sister came to check and see if we were ok. This was my nightmare. Losing another baby and now telling everyone about it with all my broken pieces exposed. I couldn't stop crying, I was hysterical. My kids started to worry so I pulled myself together and we opened other Christmas gifts that had been waiting for us. I was like a zombie trying to smile and be excited. I told Cory I was not going to stay. I needed to go home ASAP because one I wanted to grieve alone, and two I needed to be close to my OBGYN since my pregnancy losses have gone from "normal" to life-threatening fast. The next day was my son's birthday. The plan was I would make his Star Wars birthday cake, we would open presents, spend the day together, and I would fly home that evening. I somehow managed some sleep and then had a fun birthday with my son. Making birthday cake is one of my love languages and Hayden's cake turned out just how I imagined it in my head. He loved his scooter and other birthday surprises. I loved celebrating him, and kissed on him and my daughter as much as I could. The bleeding kept coming and I knew the pregnancy was over.
Cory drove me to the airport, we hugged goodbye in front of security for a long time, he kissed me at least a dozen times, and I caught my flight. I listened to a podcast about healing from recurrent pregnancy loss and grief the whole flight home. A close friend picked me up from the airport to take me home. She lovingly loaded me up with food, bath salts, lotion, and said to call if I needed anything while I was home alone. I had been quietly emotionless like a robot until I walked into my home, closed the door behind me, and sank to the floor in a broken heap with sobs that sounded more like howls. I limped upstairs to bed and fell asleep.
The Mistake
My doctor was able to get me in the next day. Going into the OBGYN when you are in the middle of a pregnancy loss is hell. There is no other way to say it. It's hell. Baby pictures and pregnant mothers everywhere. Gag. After an ultrasound that showed nothing in my uterus, my doctor said she thought it was a miscarriage and my body had done all the hard part on its own. She diagnosed me with recurrent pregnancy loss, we talked about what that meant for my fertility, and to come back in about a month.
3 weeks went by with "recurrent pregnancy loss" still ringing in my ears but I still felt weird and just off. I knew something wasn't right and I started to have pain on my right side. At my checkup, I mentioned the pain to my doctor and she replied it was most likely a cyst from ovulation. It had been a month since I first started bleeding so that timeline made sense. I had a pelvic exam and my doctor was even more convinced I had an ovulation cyst. She also said "The chances of having another ectopic pregnancy opposite from the diseased tube is very, very, very, super unlikely. That would be way rare." I asked for blood work just to double check my HCG level. Three days later I still didn't have my blood results. Since it was a Friday and I didn't want to wait anymore I called my doctors office. The nurse said she would track my blood results down for the lab. 15 minutes later my doctor's office called. When I answered it was my doctor, not the nurse, and I knew immediately something was wrong.
"Megan, your HCG from Tuesday has gone up to 147 since your initial 42. You need to get to the ER immediately. ....I am so sorry, but we missed it again and made a mistake. I think this is another ectopic pregnancy."
to be continued....
I stop at this part of the story not to be extremely annoying and leave a giant cliffhanger, but to point out a few things this part of my story taught me.
1. For a long time, I felt like God had given and then cruelly taken something away. Especially after I waited for 2 years to be pregnant again! How was this the nature of God? What I lacked to see then, blinded by grief were the blessings that were flooding in through this trial. Family and friends that rallied to comfort me like angels. We were able to find a flight at the perfect time so I could be with Hayden on his birthday and get home asap. Inspiration to know something was going on with my body and I should have it pursued. God has a perfect love for each of us. God doesn't remove trials but He does strengthen us. God doesn't turn His back on us but is constantly lifting us. We just have to look for His love and goodness. Once I actively started looking for even the smallest blessings my heart started to change and feel lighter.
2. The world keeps moving even when it stands still for you. Be kind to yourself while you feel all the emotions. Selfcare is so important. I was on my own while my family was in Utah for about a week and a half. I wanted to be alone to grieve and I didn't want my kids to miss out on fun holiday time with family. I spent quite a few days locked up in my room. I was in a super dark place. I didn't shower, personal hygiene went out the window, I didn't get dressed, and I barely left my room to eat. One Saturday on a whim I threw on a bra, some sweats, and a comfy shirt. I put my hair up in a messy bun and drove myself to the movies. I watched The Greatest Showman on my own with snacks and a blanket. It was one of the best things I could have done. It reminded me that life was still happening outside my room and I could move with it if I wanted. It would be insanely hard, but life was not going to wait for me.
3. Be my own advocate, trust my gut and what my body is trying to tell me. I know doctors are super knowledgeable. I really appreciate them and all the schooling, work, and training they go through. However, I am my best advocate and no one knows my body like I do. Thank goodness I pushed and asked more questions about how I was feeling. Thank goodness I requested another blood test just to double check. If I hadn't pushed my outcome could have taken a much more tragic turn.
The next part of this story is in some ways more difficult. It is really when everything blew up and where my PTSD stems from. I am starting to get to a place where I am grateful for this first part. It was long and a drug out process but it helped prepare me for something I didn't even see coming.
