New Places In Our Heart...

Have you ever experienced heartbreak? I am talking a knock you over, life-shattering, struggle, and heartbreak. The experiences that make you cry out in despair “why me?!” or “when will this end?” The despair hurts too much and we would do anything to get rid of the suffering. Nothing can really describe that type of heartbreak. When your cries don’t even qualify as a sob, but whatever is past sobbing….

My own heart has been shattered every time I have realized I’m losing another baby. Or when I have woken up from another emergency surgery to find out “the worst case scenario” did actually happen.

The struggle of infertility and pregnancy loss is so heavy and consuming. I would not wish that kind of despair on anyone. But what if… What if that kind of deep suffering is to help us grow and be more than you ever could have imagined? So that we can bring new places in our heart into “existence.” 

Those new places can offer more love and more empathy. The suffering lead us to make more friendships and have more meaningful relationships. The new places can hold more kindness, and more strength to do things that were once too difficult.

I am still in a place where I am not fully thankful for my suffering. It still feels way too raw and difficult most days. …but I am at least hopeful that the suffering Léon Bloy describes, will bring new places of my heart into existence, and that is a giant win for this phase of my journey. 

I would love to hear what you think of this quote by Léon Bloy. Have you felt new places in your heart form from suffering?

She Remembered Who She Was & The Game Changed

It is the last day of National Infertility Awareness Week. I have been so inspired by all of the messages, videos, pictures, and stories everyone has shared. The biggest thing that keeps coming to my mind is this quote:

“She remembered who she was and the game changed.”

Who I am is NOT my challenges and trials. It is not my infertility. It is not my surgeries that have left me scarred. It is not my multiple pregnancy losses. It is not my PTSD and anxiety.

I am a wife, and a mother to 2 gorgeous children & 4 angel babies. I am a daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. I am so super loyal. I love deeply. I am talented. I am a cake baker. I am a writer and speaker. I love connecting with people. I have value and matter. I am a daughter of God who has a perfect purpose for me.

I love that there was an opportunity to #FlipTheScript this week on infertility. We are all fighting tough battles, but we are stronger.

Who are you?! Leave a comment below!!!

Gratitude Changes Everything

It had been a few weeks after my last ectopic pregnancy and I was a wreck, to say the least. I was angry, unbelievably sad, anxious, tears were always right under the surface, and I was grasping for understanding. One of my inspired church leaders gave me the advice to start a gratitude journal. I was a little turned off by the idea if I’m totally honest. How in the world could I find things to be grateful for right now when everything feels so dark and heavy? Regardless of my hesitation, I started… I kept a running list in my phone of random moments I was grateful for:
“I got a text reminding me someone is thinking of me.” “I got out of bed and accomplished things around the house.” “Hayden was extra snuggly today.” “It was beautiful outside so we went outside to play.” “A friend came to get Halli so I could rest.” “I laughed out loud at a text from a friend.” “I’m grateful we have Blue Bell ice cream in the fridge.”

Any little thing I wrote down. At night right before bed, I would write down at least three things where I saw tender mercies from my Heavenly Father.

This gratitude exercise was life-changing. Finding things in my day made the grief not feel so heavy. My anxiety wasn’t as crippling and at night I could sleep a little better. Having gratitude gave me lots of new perspectives so I could feel more moments of peace. I could see more moments where Heavenly Father was aware of me. Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf has said, “We can choose to be grateful no matter what.” This experience helped teach me the power of gratitude! It is amazing.

So... find a journal, make a section of gratitude notes on your phone, or I did both. I promise it will help you no matter your situation. Your list doesn’t have to be very long. I only started with three things at first. No matter how small or seemingly insignificant the moments or things you are grateful for, I truly believe anyone can have the life-changing blessings of being grateful, and seeking out those tender mercies from Heavenly Father.

Start today! Practice gratitude for a week and see how it changes everything in your life. Then let me know how it changes you and your day.