Sharing Your Stories - Katie (missed miscarriage: faith, hope, & a rainbow)

I am so inspired and humbled when women allow me to share their stories. Especially stories of their personal struggles of pregnancy loss or infertility. I know those are stories that are kept close to their heart because that is where I keep mine. It takes so much strength and bravery for them to share. I am so grateful for the opportunity to share Katie’s story today about missed miscarriage.

A missed miscarriage is a miscarriage that shows no signs that something is wrong. Unlike other pregnancies where there is often cramping, bleeding, or pain, a missed miscarriage happens silently. Often it is not diagnosed until an ultrasound is given. Miscarriages rip the floor out from under you. They are shocking and leave a painful ache behind. They strip away the hopes and dreams you had for yourself, the baby and your family.

Katie and her husband Dallin are such a darling family. She is so full of faith, hope, and kindness. This is her story…

My husband, Dallin, and I knew that when we got married we didn’t want to wait very long to start our family. We just didn’t know when exactly Heavenly Father wanted us to start trying. So, last summer, about 6 months into our marriage we had been praying about the decision for a few weeks, we finally got the answer that we needed to start trying right away. God made it clear that I would be a mother very soon.  

Well, not even a full 4 weeks later I found myself pregnant, I knew that it was a sign that Heavenly Father really was serious when He had given us the answer to grow our little family. We couldn’t have been more excited! We started planning a life for this child and couldn’t wait to meet him or her.

I was constantly nauseous and would throw up just about everyday during the first trimester. I was starting school in the Fall and was so worried about how I would handle my classes while dealing with morning sickness, so, I asked my husband to give me a blessing from my Heavenly Father. In that blessing God said that we would have a healthy baby. I didn’t think too much of it at the time, but little did I know what it really meant.

Things had been going well in the first trimester. We had been to several prenatal appointments and heard the baby’s beautiful heartbeat a couple times. Our baby was growing and progressing towards the second trimester just fine.

Last year, on October 16, 2017 we went in for our 12 week appointment. My OB congratulated us and told us that any risks for miscarriage is significantly low at this point in the pregnancy. We were happy to hear that, but, again, we didn’t think too much of it.

The OB pulled out her doppler and started to look for our baby’s heartbeat, just a routine checkup at 12 weeks. A minute or two went by and I began to wonder why it was taking so long to find our baby’s heartbeat. Soon my OB said that our baby just might be in a weird place that was hard for the doppler to pick up the heartbeat so she moved us over to the ultrasound to check on our little one.

My husband and I started to have some concern creep in, but we both said to each other not to think of worse-case thoughts, that everything was fine. Soon we were in the middle of the ultrasound, I saw my beautiful baby. Our baby had grown so much, I could see his or her little fingers and toes and facial features, and everything looked so much more developed from the previous appointments. I was in awe for a small moment, until I looked over at my OB. She didn’t say a word, and I started to feel my heart sink for a moment wondering what was wrong. I then heard that words that I never imagined hearing, “I’m so sorry, there is no heartbeat.”

My brain wasn’t fully processing what was just said. I was in instant denial. I didn’t want to believe that this meant the worst thing that could’ve ever happened- losing a child. My sweet angel was only measuring 11 weeks and 5 days, not 12 weeks and 5 days like he/she should’ve been measuring. My husband and I just held each other and sobbed in the middle of the room, staring down at our ultrasound photos of our sweet angel who had passed away without warning.

I felt like my body betrayed me. I had been feeling pretty sick the entire pregnancy and I didn’t even have any bleeding or cramping at all when the baby died… nothing indicated that something was wrong or that the baby had passed away. I had experienced what is known as a missed miscarriage, which is when your body doesn’t recognize that the baby passed away. Due to how far along I was and that my body wasn’t going to pass the baby anytime soon, my doctor said the safest option for me so I wouldn’t hemorrhage was to have a D&C. Three days later, on October 19, we went in for surgery. We left the hospital that day with empty arms and empty in my belly.

The months following my miscarriage were full of depression. Both my husband and I struggled with our loss, but my depression lingered much longer than his. I felt I had lost my purpose and identity which was to be a mother. There was nothing I wanted more than to have my angel baby alive again.

It was so much more than “just a miscarriage.” We lost a child. For 3 months we had planned a life for this child. This sweet little one was a part of our family and now it feels like something is missing. No matter how long you got to carry your baby, whether it was one day, or 3 months, or full term- it leaves a big hole in your heart. It’s not just the mother who carries the baby who hurts, it’s just as equally painful for the father to lose a child too.

I didn’t understand why Heavenly Father told us that we would have a healthy baby when instead we lost our little angel. Throughout the months, little by little, Heavenly Father has told me that one day, later in my life, I will have an understanding of this trial, but for now I don’t have those answers.  What I have learned however, is that it turned out that God was actually referring to a different child when He said we would have a healthy baby. It had never occured to me that promised blessings to us don’t always come in order, but I can promise you that they do come.

I consider October 19 to be my angel’s birthday, after all, my angel was brought into this world on that day even though he or she wasn’t born alive. It has almost been a year since that day, and there has been so much growth and learning through it all.

I have learned that healing is a painful process and it doesn't come quick, but I have come to know and understand God so much more during this time. It’s okay to hate trials, it’s okay to struggle and to be angry and sad, even God had told me that it’s okay to feel all of those things, just as long as I don’t let it steer me off His path. I grew so much closer to God as I cried out to Him in honesty every day telling Him how much I hated this trial, and how broken I felt losing my baby. Heavenly Father is perfectly okay with us hating our trials and not being grateful for them, I’m still not grateful for this trial at all. God weeps with us and it hurts Him too to see us hurt.

A few months after our miscarriage, my husband and I got the impression we needed to start trying again. We were terrified, and I didn’t feel ready at all. I was still grieving and struggling with depression. We didn’t succeed at getting pregnant the first month we started trying. This only sent me into an even deeper depression. I began to fear that we would never be able to get pregnant after our loss.

Because of this, and on top of the constant struggle I was already dealing with from grieving over the loss, I started to experience a crisis of faith. All of those months I struggled to feel peace and comfort in my life, and I would plead for it every single day. I began to question if God was even there. One night I drove around so I could pray privately in my car… I asked Heavenly Father why my baby had to die, I begged to feel peace from this trial, I begged to have this pain and darkness taken from me. I didn’t feel anything though. I asked Heavenly Father to send me my angels to minister to me and help me through this, because I was at my breaking point, I didn’t have anymore strength to endure through this trial or face any more heartache.

After I had said that prayer I still didn’t feel anything. Why were the heavens closed during my darkest hour? I sat in my car and sobbed. I felt like giving up. Then, I heard a tap at my window. My husband had found me. I began to tell Dallin about my crisis of faith and questioning why Heavenly Father wouldn’t come help me during one of my greatest times of need. My husband then said to me, “Sometimes God answers prayers through other people, and angels are simply just messengers of God… and He sent me, I may be an imperfect angel but I am your angel and am here for you.”

I had not even told Dallin that I had been praying to have angels sent to help me and yet he said exactly what I needed to hear. God did hear me, He sent my angel (husband) to be with me during one of my darkest times. These horrible trials can leave someone in such a dark place and sometimes it feels like the heavens have closed on us and can’t hear us… but after this experience I know and can promise that God is still listening even when it feels like He isn’t. Don’t give up. I didn’t know what the future held for me and Dallin with having children, but what I did know right at that moment is that God had not abandoned me. And He won’t abandon any of His children. We can always rely on Him, even if it means patience during His silent times.

About a month later, I had the most vivid dream that I had a positive pregnancy test. When I awoke I couldn’t shake the dream from me. I didn’t feel pregnant at all, just like the previous month when we didn’t succeed, but I took a test anyway and sure enough it was positive!

It has been a terrifying experience to be pregnant again. It has been full of PTSD and anxiety. It’s strange to experience both grief and joy at the same time while being pregnant with our rainbow baby. I love the meaning of “rainbow baby.” It is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. The rainbow does not mean that the storm and devastation never happened but that something beautiful and full of light has emerged from the darkness.

After all the pain and darkness we’ve been through… we have hope, we have our rainbow. Nothing can ever replace our angel baby, for he or she was our first child and we still love, miss and think about that baby often. Our rainbow’s due date is November 19, 2018. The moment I found out that our rainbow’s due date is on the 19th it felt like this little tender mercy because our angel baby was taken out of me on October 19, 2017 and it felt like Heavenly Father wanted us to be able to associate the 19th with something happy too and not just sadness.

Am I grateful yet for the trial of losing my baby? No, still hate the trial. Do I have the answers I want as to why my baby had to die last year? No, I wish I did. I know that one day I’ll have the answers... but for now, I will continue to honor my angel baby’s life. I thank my little angel for sending me my rainbow, I only wish I could have both of you here with me. I know one day I will be reunited with my angel baby and I’ll get to raise that child. But for the time being, I will learn to live with a hole in my heart until that great reunion. My family will be complete one day when we reunite with our angel and I will forever hold on to that hope. For there is always hope. I am the mother of an angel, and I am grateful that that beautiful child chose me to be his/her mother, I will see that child again someday.

I am so unbelievably excited and happy for Katie, and Dallin. They have such a beautiful family and I am so excited to see their sweet rainbow baby. I love how her story shows that God is always in the details, especially when things are at their darkest.

Too often I push away from everyone, and sometimes God. I love Katie’s example of leaning in. She leans into her husband, her faith, and her relationship with Heavenly Father. Katie is a light and so strong! Her hope and light that she shares is everything. Her angel baby and her rainbow baby are so blessed to have her as their mother.

If you have experienced a missed miscarriage please know that you are not alone, hope does come, be kind to yourself, and reach out if there is anything I can do to help support you.

Sharing Your Stories - Santanna (hope, helping others, & male factor infertility)

One of my goals in starting this blog and community was to help others find support through their journey of infertility, pregnancy loss, grief, and life overall. I want to help be an advocate for others who might need it. Something I didn't expect was I personally would make such wonderful connections with people. Santanna and I spoke on the phone for about an hour one night. She is amazing and so inspiring. I immediately loved her and her warm caring soul.

I think so many can relate to Santanna's and her husband Cole's journey with infertility. Santanna is such an amazing woman and helps me feel so much hope. She took a really difficult trial and turned it into something that made her stronger and now she is helping so many people volunteering for the Bundled Blessings Fertility Foundation.

The Bundled Blessings Fertility Foundation mission is "to raise awareness about infertility and provide grants to families diagnosed with infertility to assist with treatment, adoption, and surrogacy costs." Santanna and the amazing women at Bundled Blessings have events in just a few months to offer fertility grants to families! Because the costs of infertility treatments or adoption are so high this opportunity is so life-changing for so many. 

I know you will love Santanna and be inspired by her like I am. This is her story...

My husband, Cole, and I were typical newlyweds; young, healthy and in love. We knew we wanted kids right away, but we weren’t exactly trying, just not preventing. As the months went by and my periods kept coming, I began to obsess about how we weren’t getting pregnant.  I had an aunt that was currently in the midst of secondary infertility and began to worry that maybe we had something wrong also. I called my doctor to see if we could get in for some tests. They all said that we had to wait until we had been trying for at least one year. I grew more and more bitter as the rest of our “year” went on. I was so confused as to why we weren’t getting pregnant when we had prayed about it and felt that it was time.

Once our year was finally up, Cole went to see a urologist where he took in a semen sample. We then learned that Cole’s sperm count and mobility were not where they should be. His doctor put him on Clomid for a month to see how much his numbers would increase. Before that month was up, we had our appointment with our fertility specialist. During our consultation, Dr. S informed us that Cole’s numbers would most likely improve from being on Clomid, but not enough to get us pregnant. They ran tests on me, and all of them came back normal. We felt comforted knowing that only one of us had a fertility diagnosis. 

At that time, we were told that our best option was to do In-vitro fertilization (IVF). We could start with intrauterine insemination (IUI), but our chances of getting pregnant were comparable to winning the lottery. We decided on IVF and our life quickly turned into weekly appointments, shots, blood draws, medical bills, and medication after medication while juggling the rest of our everyday lives. All in all, our IVF cycle went very smoothly. They were able to retrieve twenty-seven eggs from me, but this caused me to get ovarian hyperstimulation. This was honestly the worst part for me. I retained a lot of fluid and had to have a procedure that was very similar to egg retrieval but without being under anesthesia.  

Over the next few days, we learned that twenty out of twenty-seven eggs were mature enough to fertilize. Eleven of them fertilized, but then four didn’t make it. This left us with seven and sitting much lower than our doctor had predicted. After we transferred two embryos to my uterus, we found out the next day that the rest of our embryos died. This left us with nothing to freeze. This affected me much harder than I anticipated and took a bit of time to grieve at losing the chance of a potential sibling for our baby. However, we tried to remain hopeful that our two embryos would take, but if they didn’t we would have to start IVF all over again. I couldn’t even think about it. The whole process was too fresh in my mind. I honestly wasn’t sure I was ready to endure all of it again, let alone pay another $15,000 in hopes for a baby. We had decided that if it didn’t result in a baby we were going to go to Europe.   

Fourteen days later, standing in my work parking lot I took a phone call informing me that we were in fact pregnant! In an instant, the last year and a half was all worth it and our prayers had been answered. I was finally carrying a child, something we had prayed for and cried over for so long. Our son, Conrad, was born March 30th, 2014.

A year and a half later we decided we wanted to give IVF another chance in hopes to have a sibling for our sweet little boy. We had an appointment with Dr. S and talked about the medication changes we would make in hopes of having leftover embryos this time. The next step was just waiting for my period to start. After 40 days, which isn’t out of the norm for me, I finally caved and bought a pregnancy test, knowing that I was just wasting my money to get a negative result. However, to our surprise, we were actually pregnant! I remember waking my husband up freaking out that the pregnancy test in my hands said “pregnant.” Cole insisted that it was lying seeing how we had a less than one percent chance of ever conceiving on our own and to call our doctor. After demanding an immediate blood draw it was confirmed that we were indeed pregnant. We welcomed our second son, Raithel (Ry-thel), on March 5th, 2016.

A year and a half later in the thick of motherhood and doing my best to raise our little boys, I found myself in the same situation, waiting for my period to come. One store bought test later and we found out we were again expecting another miracle baby. We welcomed our sweet little girl Gentry, on April 9th, 2018.

Our infertility chapter seems so long ago and I’m still amazed to have three sweet little ones when I questioned if we would ever have one. The most important thing I have learned from this is to trust my Heavenly Father and His timing. I truly hope that I always remember this journey. I hope I remember the longing and the pain, so I remember to never take being a mom for granted. 

Going through infertility has also brought me so many amazing opportunities to connect with others. I currently volunteer for Bundled Blessings Fertility Foundation that raises funds and awareness for couples diagnosed with infertility, to assist them with adoption, surrogacy, or treatment cost. I never thought I would view our fertility as a blessing, but I do. I’m so thankful for this trial my husband and I went through. Not only for the strength it brought us as a couple, but also for the opportunities it has given me to help others. We realize that our infertility journey is easier and shorter than most and that some endure much more and some are still waiting for their baby. I hope you know we pray for you and we hope that you never feel alone in your journey.

I think so many can relate to Santanna's story. There are so many couples that are young and healthy not expecting any issues with infertility. Infertility has so many ups and downs. I am so inspired by how Santanna and Cole faced their infertility with hope and strength. It is so powerful that she has gratitude for this trial. That is something I am still working towards. Now she is also helping others! The Bundled Blessings Fertility Foundation is amazing!!! If you haven't checked out their website and social media outlets you must! They are doing amazing things and sharing so much light and love. We all could use more of that and I really appreciate them.

Santanna's bravery and vulnerability to share her family's story has given me so much hope. Isn't she and her family gorgeous?! I will be at the Bundled Blessings Fertility Foundation and I am so excited to meet her in person.

Sharing Your Stories - Viann (A Brave New Ending)

I am so inspired by connecting with other women and hearing your stories. Your stories of loss, grief, struggle, success, and love are so amazing. Viann is from Houston, Texas. I relate to her story so much. As I was reading it I kept thinking "me too! I know that feeling." Viann is so strong and filled with love. She is a warrior fighting to grow her family. I love how she always turns to hope and is looking to the future with faith. I know you will love her and her story...

"Our long and bumpy road of infertility began 9 years ago. After numerous tests and failed treatments, IVF was our only hope of conceiving. In 2015, the procedure was successful. Early in the twin pregnancy, one of our embryos stopped developing, however subsequent ultrasounds revealed a strong heartbeat with the second.  Our prayers had finally been answered and our dream of having a child was becoming a reality. At nearly 10 weeks, the doctor uttered the words no one ever wants to hear, “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.”

Overwhelmed with grief, and so many other unnamed emotions, the months and years that have followed haven’t been easy. No one is ever really prepared for how to cope with loss. It’s not something that is taught in school and in most families, not discussed openly. Men and women grieve differently and we would soon learn, these strong emotions began to manifest in different ways.  

In the months prior to IVF, I made it my mission to prepare my body for pregnancy the best I could. It was almost like training for a marathon. My regimen included an anti-inflammatory diet and numerous vitamins and supplements. I felt strong and hopeful and started a blog to share my journey and encourage others struggling to conceive. 

Soon after the loss, that feeling of hope began to fade. Between the IVF medications, and miscarriage, the hormonal rollercoaster was unrelenting. I no longer felt I had a reason to focus on my health. There was nothing to look forward to and feelings of apathy set in. Not sure how to help me through this emotional struggle, my husband did the best he could to be supportive and loving, while dealing with his own feelings of grief. He often found solace in lone fishing trips and spending time with nature. 

Three years later, drawing strength from our faith in God and each other, the healing process continues to be a work in progress. Anyone who has experienced loss will tell you it changes you. We soon realized this life changing event was stressful on our marriage. Communication has been key and we are both learning how to lean in to the pain and allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest about our emotions with one another. 

By reading and studying emotional resilience, grief and loss, we have started on a new path of healing by embracing and reckoning with the painful scars that infertility has left behind. Facing a lifetime of childlessness, we are rumbling through the middle of the messy emotions. Grief has no timeline and no one really knows how long the rumble will last.

While life hasn’t turn out the way we had planned, we are hopeful for the future. We are learning to flip the script and write a brave new ending. One where it’s okay to be sad and joyful, to grieve a painful loss and embrace the wonders of life with gratitude and most importantly, together."

I love the idea of a "brave new ending." It is heartbreaking and life-shattering when life doesn't go as planned. I think it is so powerful how Viann honored her emotions. She let herself feel all of them, including gratitude! She is taking it one day at a time and being brave to find a new ending that I  know will be perfect for her and her beautiful family. 

Sharing Your Stories - Lexi

My goal is to build a community and share lots of other people’s stories. Even if both people have had a miscarriage their stories are still different. My hope is that by sharing all different stories of loss and infertility we can all feel less alone and more hopeful…

This is Lexi, and she is the sweetest! She was also the winner of the “Be Brave” jewelry giveaway. I am so impressed by her strength and ability to keep putting herself out there every day despite her heartache. This is her story…

“I have been married for (almost) 4 years and we are blessed to have our beautiful little Ellie who is 2 years old. We started "trying" again in May/June 2017. In November I had no period but all negative test, it was the same thing again in December. At the beginning of January this year we finally got a positive. I was beyond excited!!! A couple of weeks later while at work, my world was quickly turned upside down as I started bleeding heavily. The next few days I did a lot of blood work to confirm my biggest fear…a miscarriage.

The day we told family we were pregnant was the same day we told them we were having a miscarriage. Right after getting the news my little girl had woken from a nap crying and all she wanted was me, her mom. I quickly wiped my tears away to help with hers. I got up and worked the next day and kept going with a normal life. My husband had his break down alone and was able to accept it better than me. I kept it together and told myself to be strong but at night I felt so empty, alone and so upset at my body. Some nights I still do.

The doctor just recently gave me a hormonal pill to help regulate my periods. I was supposed to start a period on day 6 and here we are days past it and still no period. Here is to hoping we can find some answers. I have never wanted to hold a baby of my own in my arms so badly!! Here I am a year later with no successful pregnancy or baby and some days I am broken. I squeeze my little one tighter and longer every day and show my gratitude daily to be her mom!”

@lexi_v_moore you are amazing! Thank you for sharing your story.

If you would like to share your story please email me!