Love and Loss on Mother's Day

I have so many emotions surrounding Mother’s Day this year. I have had so many wonderful mothers in my life who have made a big impact on my life. My own mom especially is beyond amazing and I love her so much.

I am also so beyond grateful for my 2 beautiful children. They are my heart outside my body. I am so proud of them and love them so much. I am grateful I get to snuggle them and sing them to sleep every night. Their little hands in mine help heal my heart.

I am also aching this year. I am feeling my losses hard. I am missing my babies I never met, and the baby I would have had in just a few months. I am feeling the loss of unmet expectations and failed dreams. I am feeling angry that my body couldn’t do what it was meant to do. I am feeling anxious because I am not sure what is going to come next. Do we have more babies? Do we do IVF? I don’t know if I can mentally handle another ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage.

To the mom that is meticulously planning hormone injections, pills, doctor’s visits, and tracking your cycle I see you. I see your broken heart every time you have to drive by that “expecting mom” parking spot. I know what it feels like to get another baby shower announcement and be excited for them and sad for yourself all at the same time.

To the mom who is constantly thinking of the baby that you carried only for a few weeks and never met I see you. I see you trying to picture your baby’s sweet face and tiny features in your mind. I see you dreaming of what “could have been.”

To the mom who has small children and is beyond tired, I see you. I see you questioning if the work you are doing to take care of those small kiddos is enough. I know grocery trips are more like marathons, sleeping is non-existent, and every surface is mysteriously sticky.

To all of you, I stress that you are enough. You are doing so much better than you think you are. You’re amazing and strong. You are beautiful. Be kind to yourself and let others around you love on you!

What kind of feelings is Mother’s Day bringing up for you this year?

Sharing Your Stories - Lexi

My goal is to build a community and share lots of other people’s stories. Even if both people have had a miscarriage their stories are still different. My hope is that by sharing all different stories of loss and infertility we can all feel less alone and more hopeful…

This is Lexi, and she is the sweetest! She was also the winner of the “Be Brave” jewelry giveaway. I am so impressed by her strength and ability to keep putting herself out there every day despite her heartache. This is her story…

“I have been married for (almost) 4 years and we are blessed to have our beautiful little Ellie who is 2 years old. We started "trying" again in May/June 2017. In November I had no period but all negative test, it was the same thing again in December. At the beginning of January this year we finally got a positive. I was beyond excited!!! A couple of weeks later while at work, my world was quickly turned upside down as I started bleeding heavily. The next few days I did a lot of blood work to confirm my biggest fear…a miscarriage.

The day we told family we were pregnant was the same day we told them we were having a miscarriage. Right after getting the news my little girl had woken from a nap crying and all she wanted was me, her mom. I quickly wiped my tears away to help with hers. I got up and worked the next day and kept going with a normal life. My husband had his break down alone and was able to accept it better than me. I kept it together and told myself to be strong but at night I felt so empty, alone and so upset at my body. Some nights I still do.

The doctor just recently gave me a hormonal pill to help regulate my periods. I was supposed to start a period on day 6 and here we are days past it and still no period. Here is to hoping we can find some answers. I have never wanted to hold a baby of my own in my arms so badly!! Here I am a year later with no successful pregnancy or baby and some days I am broken. I squeeze my little one tighter and longer every day and show my gratitude daily to be her mom!”

@lexi_v_moore you are amazing! Thank you for sharing your story.

If you would like to share your story please email me!

Miscarriage 101

I hope to educate others and take the stigma away from types of pregnancy loss and infertility. We educate ourselves about other health issues, diabetes, how to manage a cold, ear infections, etc. So why not miscarriage? I knew nothing about it until after I was experiencing one.

The more you know the more empowered you are about your health. Knowledge helps us be more understanding to what others are going through.

A miscarriage is the spontaneous loss of a woman's pregnancy before the 20th week. It can be VERY painful, traumatic, and is very emotional.

About 15 to 20 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. The first time I miscarried I was SHOCKED at this statistic. I had no idea how common it was. After my miscarriage I had so many friends reach out and say, “me too.”

Miscarriages usually happen early, over 80% of miscarriages happen in the first 3 months of pregnancy.

After a miscarriage, there are often feelings of helplessness, shame, guilt, and self-blame. I have really isolated myself after my pregnancy losses. It is lonely & the emotions are sometimes too much. Miscarriages happen randomly, no one really knows why they happen. All of those feelings are normal, but you are absolutely NOT to blame for your miscarriage. You did nothing wrong.

All of the emotions related to miscarriage can be intensified by the rapid change in your hormones.

You may need medical help during the miscarriage. Your OB-GYN should be aware of what you are experiencing & then can help you with the correct treatment.

Consult your doctor if you are experience bleeding. My miscarriages have always had heavy bleeding like the worst period of my life. Some bleeding can be totally normal during pregnancies.

IT IS OK TO GRIEVE. After a miscarriage, you are experiencing a loss. A loss of a child, a loss of family plans, a loss of dreams, etc. It is normal & healthy to grieve. There is no right way to grieve.

Getting pregnant after a miscarriage can be so overwhelming & full of anxiety. However, most women who miscarry get pregnant again & have a full term perfect baby.

Do you have any questions about miscarriage or is there something you wish you had known?

Moving Mountains With Small Stones

Sometimes there are phases in life that seem more like a huge mountain to climb. I have no idea how I am going to climb that thing. It’s scary and huge. I know where I want to be… I want to be at the top, but with every step, it feels like I slide further down.

I have had many “mountain moments” in my life but right now infertility and my pregnancy losses are my “mountains.” It is so hard and emotional. I often question my self-worth and my purpose. I have no idea if we do IVF, or do we not? If we do decide on IVF how do we pay for it? How life threatening is it for me to be pregnant again? And so many other things to consider.

I realized that a huge success or a huge accomplishment never happens all at once. Isaiah 28:10 says “For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little.”

Little steps and little consistent choices every day are going to get me where I want to be!

Here are some little steps/choices I have thought of to help get through infertility:

1. Remember who you are. I believe we are all children of a loving and all-knowing God with a divine purpose. Praying, reading my scriptures, and participating in my church are all things to help me remember who I am.
2. Learn! Learn as much as you can to prepare for IVF, or whatever treatment you are interested in.
3. After you have all your information make a plan.
4. Take one appointment and one small milestone at a time.
5. Serve others, when I do this I often forget about my worries or they become easier to bear.
6. Consistently write in my gratitude journal. (go back to see my post on this!)
7. Keep building your talents and skills to help you be the best you. We are all here for an amazing individual purpose! It is our job to find that purpose and do our best to crush it!
8. TREAT.YO.SELF! You’re amazing and doing great things. Be kind to yourself. Plan a fun date night or girls night. Buy yourself some ice cream. Take a hot bath with a bath bomb.
9. Remember you’re doing better than you think you are and things will always work out for your good.

How do you take one step at a time to climb your mountains?