Sharing Your Stories - Viann (A Brave New Ending)

I am so inspired by connecting with other women and hearing your stories. Your stories of loss, grief, struggle, success, and love are so amazing. Viann is from Houston, Texas. I relate to her story so much. As I was reading it I kept thinking "me too! I know that feeling." Viann is so strong and filled with love. She is a warrior fighting to grow her family. I love how she always turns to hope and is looking to the future with faith. I know you will love her and her story...

"Our long and bumpy road of infertility began 9 years ago. After numerous tests and failed treatments, IVF was our only hope of conceiving. In 2015, the procedure was successful. Early in the twin pregnancy, one of our embryos stopped developing, however subsequent ultrasounds revealed a strong heartbeat with the second.  Our prayers had finally been answered and our dream of having a child was becoming a reality. At nearly 10 weeks, the doctor uttered the words no one ever wants to hear, “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.”

Overwhelmed with grief, and so many other unnamed emotions, the months and years that have followed haven’t been easy. No one is ever really prepared for how to cope with loss. It’s not something that is taught in school and in most families, not discussed openly. Men and women grieve differently and we would soon learn, these strong emotions began to manifest in different ways.  

In the months prior to IVF, I made it my mission to prepare my body for pregnancy the best I could. It was almost like training for a marathon. My regimen included an anti-inflammatory diet and numerous vitamins and supplements. I felt strong and hopeful and started a blog to share my journey and encourage others struggling to conceive. 

Soon after the loss, that feeling of hope began to fade. Between the IVF medications, and miscarriage, the hormonal rollercoaster was unrelenting. I no longer felt I had a reason to focus on my health. There was nothing to look forward to and feelings of apathy set in. Not sure how to help me through this emotional struggle, my husband did the best he could to be supportive and loving, while dealing with his own feelings of grief. He often found solace in lone fishing trips and spending time with nature. 

Three years later, drawing strength from our faith in God and each other, the healing process continues to be a work in progress. Anyone who has experienced loss will tell you it changes you. We soon realized this life changing event was stressful on our marriage. Communication has been key and we are both learning how to lean in to the pain and allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest about our emotions with one another. 

By reading and studying emotional resilience, grief and loss, we have started on a new path of healing by embracing and reckoning with the painful scars that infertility has left behind. Facing a lifetime of childlessness, we are rumbling through the middle of the messy emotions. Grief has no timeline and no one really knows how long the rumble will last.

While life hasn’t turn out the way we had planned, we are hopeful for the future. We are learning to flip the script and write a brave new ending. One where it’s okay to be sad and joyful, to grieve a painful loss and embrace the wonders of life with gratitude and most importantly, together."

I love the idea of a "brave new ending." It is heartbreaking and life-shattering when life doesn't go as planned. I think it is so powerful how Viann honored her emotions. She let herself feel all of them, including gratitude! She is taking it one day at a time and being brave to find a new ending that I  know will be perfect for her and her beautiful family. 

The Power of Saying "Yes!" "I'll try!" & "I can do hard things!"

A little something you should know about me is that I am a perfectionist, a planner, and a people pleaser. I am easily overwhelmed, and naturally anxious. It has never been easy for me to put myself out there. 

After my second miscarriage and first ectopic pregnancy in 2016, I really felt strongly I should share my experiences. I could not, would not do it. The impression would come multiple times, and I would push it aside every time. I was too afraid! I kept having thoughts of: "Who the heck cares what I have to say?" "I am not a good enough writer." "It hurts too much to talk about and share about my lost babies." "Being vulnerable is way too scary!" 

Fast forward to January 2018. I'm in the emergency room of the hospital for the second time in intense pain. Once again no one has any idea what is going on. Not doctors, not specialists, not the radiologist, not nurses, no one. It was like they were playing "Where's Waldo?" but with a pregnancy somewhere inside me. It was a surreal experience being told after an emergency exploratory surgery that I had another ectopic pregnancy. Recovery was excruciatingly painful, mentally I was in shock, emotionally and spiritually I was shattered. The only thought I did have had while healing was "write this down." Desperate to heal my heart and soul, I started writing. 

Before my second ectopic, I use to say "no," a lot. For example, I was asked to make a birthday cake for some darling twins first birthday. The story I told myself was, "Nope..heck to the no way! I am not talented enough to do that." "I don't want to disappoint anyone." So I didn't do it.

While I was writing and healing from surgery the thought of sharing my experiences was even more at the front of my mind. I often prayed that if I could have opportunities open to me I would say "Yes!" and "I'll try." Something interesting happens when you start saying, "yes." As you say, "yes," and keep trying you get a rush of empowerment and more courage to say, "yes" more often. Then more opportunities come and you keep saying "yes!" Finally, I mustered up the courage to start The Four Hearts project and keep showing up. I make cakes, caramel apples, printables, cupcakes, and treats to sell.

Saying "yes" to things more often has honestly been life changing. Connecting with other women going through similar struggles that I am has been so rewarding. I love helping others feel peace, love, and less alone. Also, selfishly saying "yes" is also healing the shattered, broken pieces of my heart. There are still really hard days, but there are more good days than hard.  

One of our family motto's is "We can do hard things." I can't tell you how many times I have told my kids this phrase, but I wasn't living it. After practicing mindfulness for a few weeks I realized how toxic my thoughts were. The story I told myself was I wasn't good enough to do hard things. That story was absolutely wrong. I believe fear, insecurities, and self-doubt keep us from being our best selves.

I have used the thought power of "Yes," "I'll try," and "I can do hard things," just this weekend. I put myself out there and asked my daughter's dance instructor if I could sell treats I had been making at the recital. She didn't have a need for recital treats, BUT she did need last day of class treats. 285 of them, all individually wrapped. The old story I would have told myself would have laughed and immediately said: "No, I can't do that. I am not good enough, talented enough, smart enough to do that." Instead, I said, "Yes, I can!" I didn't know exactly how it would go, but I said "yes" anyway. I researched different ways to package different treats, mini cupcakes vs cookies, how much it would take to make them, where I could get supplies, etc. We settled on Rice Krispie popsicles and they turned out adorable! 

The results of turning down my negative and toxic thoughts, while also saying "Yes," "I'll try," and "I can do hard things," have been amazing! I have had more opportunities than ever before. If I don't know how to do something I study and try to figure it out. I am excited again to tackle the day. I accomplish more. I go to bed feeling more satisfied and fulfilled personally, as a mother, as a wife, and as a friend. I search out more opportunities, I put myself out there even if I think it's a long shot. As I do more good comes back to me. 

This isn't just something that only works for me! You can do this too! Right now, today. 

First, pray for opportunities to use your talents and abilities God has given you for good. 

Second, be mindful of how you are talking to yourself. What stories are you telling yourself that are NOT serving you? Replace that negative self-talk and stories with "Yes!" "I'll try!" and "I can do hard things!"

Third, be uncomfortable. I have found that on the other side of being SUPER uncomfortable has had the biggest reward. I learn the most after being super uncomfortable and I gain more confidence to keep being more uncomfortable. 

One of my favorite quotes from my girl Brené Brown says: "He or she who is willing to be the most uncomfortable is not only the bravest but rises the fastest!"

Fourth, get out there and do it! Don't look back. Just keep repeating "I can do hard things," breathe, and do it one step at a time. 

You are beautiful and wonderfully made. Even if you feel broken, you have skills that only you can bring to the world. Be brave to try new things and I promise good will come back to you just like it has for me. You have the courage to say "Yes." You are strong. You are enough. 

A little something you should know about me is that I am a recovering perfectionist, I thrive on being brave to say yes, and I love building a community of people to support each other. I am putting myself out there to do scary things, and I honor my emotions while moving through them. It has never been easy for me to put myself out there, but dang it I'm trying. ...and so can you! ♥️

"Waiting"

I love artwork. It is one of the ways I’ve been able to heal. One of my favorite artists is Caitlin Connolly  She is so unbelievably talented. I have a few prints by Caitlin and she just shared this painting called “waiting,” on her Instagram.

This painting took my breath away. It is my soul. My heart. That is what I feel like. Especially the past few days.

I’m waiting. Waiting for my arms to cradle a baby again. Waiting to do more fertility tests. Waiting to heal emotionally and physically. Waiting for more clarity on what Heavenly Father has planned for me and my family.

Caitlin also battled infertility and has the cutest 6-month-old twin boys. She is so inspiring. There was a great news article about an interview she did, it is awesome. I’ll add the link to the link tree in my bio.

Today is a better day. I feel like I’ve been able to breathe a little easier and start tackling the day again. Most days I really am ok. Great even. ...but sometimes a wave of grief just comes from nowhere that brings me to my knees.

If you feel like you’ve been brought to your knees keep praying and keep trying. God wants to hear from you and he wants to bless you. Sometimes the blessings don’t come right away, when we want, or how we think they should. There is so much power in being still and waiting. Then trust Heavenly Father has a plan to have everything work out better than you could imagine.♥️♥️♥️

I Am Brave, Strong, and Broken

I had a really great Mother’s Day yesterday, but it was also very bittersweet. I only cried a couple times at church and I didn’t have to leave early like I did last year. But today is hard again. Like really hard and maybe a little bit of a Mother’s Day emotional overflow. I’ve cried happy tears, and very broken tears today.

I keep trying to convince myself that I don’t need another baby. I am so happy with my family. I am so blessed. I have a 9-year-old and 5-year-old. I have BIG kids! I haven’t been in the “diaper bag” phase for a long long time.

Then it hits me. Hard. I ache for another baby. My heart aches. My empty arms ache. The grief of losing my ability to even try again without risking my life is heavy.

It is definitely all the feelings. I called my husband and cried. I called my friend who can empathize and we cried together. I’ve eaten an enormous amount of skittles. I have to rally and be strong for my kids and getting through the day. There is homework, dinner, and baths. Then at bedtime, after they are in bed I will probably break down.

I’m going to let myself feel all of it. Process it. Own it. Be kind to myself and then move through it. Tomorrow will be a new day.

Being brave, strong, and broken is going to shape me into the person, wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend I was meant to be. The person God would have me be. ...but today, today just hurts.

And that’s ok...♥️

Does anyone have a favorite scripture, song, mantra, or quote that fills you with light or hope? Please share in the comments below. I would super appreciate it so I can read through them after my kids are in bed. 💕