The Best Year Yet... (plus, free printable!)

I had a really great birthday on Friday! I was surprised by friends with a party. There was food, gifts, and so many people there that I love. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude to be surrounded by so many amazing people who love me and my family. I also had an amazing day with my family.

This birthday was also more emotional than I was prepared for. I get wrapped up in the "could have been" scenarios, and some grief seeps through my cracks that are still healing. I also was overwhelmed because the past year I have been through a lot! I have been at some of my lowest and darkest lows, but I have also overcome a lot. Going through infertility, to get pregnant a month before starting Clomid, then have another traumatic ectopic, surgery, and more recovery... it was a lot! I survived a lot! It sometimes seems more like a dream. 

I never really understood how people would say they were "grateful" for trials? Especially after really awful and hard ones. I now feel like I am slowly starting to understand that principle. I don't think I can say yet that I am grateful for my pregnancy losses and everything the last 2 years has brought with it. I am still grieving and desperately miss those babies, dreams, and expectations I had. I am still learning to be grateful but I am very appreciative of what those circumstances have taught me. I am becoming better because of those experiences. I am having my rough edges smoothed out, strengthening my talents, growing my testimony, and becoming the person God wants me to be. 

I started the Four Hearts Project. I am writing. I am putting myself out there more than I ever have in my whole life. I have been marketing and selling my cakes, cupcakes, caramel apples and treats. I have sold some of my photography. I am building on my skills and trying to be brave to do new things. I have met amazing, talented, strong and inspiring women! I know that I have made a few lasting friendships and I am beyond grateful for those relationships.

I have a feeling this year will be my best year yet. Being 32 is going to have more opportunities, more growth, and more love in it. There are four things I will be looking forward to this next year. 

1. The growth of my family. Whatever that may look like. I don't know if I will be pregnant this year. I hope so, but if not I will remind myself that it's ok. Heavenly Father's plan and timing are much better than mine. He knows the beginning and the end, and His plan is perfect. I know He is mindful of me and my family. I do know that my kids will continue to grow! They are such amazing little people. I love having a front row seat to watch them grow into their big personalities. Our family will grow stronger together. I am so excited for all that we will experience this next year. 
2. Learning more about what my purpose is. I strongly believe that we each have divine talents and purposes. There are only certain things that we can do to help bring more light to the world and people around us. As I have been more humble and followed through with impressions I have more opportunities have opened up. Each opportunity helps me grow as a person, and my soul feels like I am doing what I am meant to do! I can't wait to keep growing and learning. I am going to keep saying "yes!" Even if it's out of my comfort zone. 
3. Trusting and loving my body, and helping it be strong. One part of my grief and mental recovery from my losses has been about my body. I am often furious with it, that it couldn't do what it was meant to do. It struggles with getting a pregnancy in the right place. It struggles to maintain a healthy pregnancy. Surgery, grief, and hormones have taken a toll on it. Which makes me even more resentful. This next year I am looking forward to loving my body more. I am making an effort to love it more, and helping it the best way I can. Exercising regularly, eating healthy foods(and also some cake. Because..I mean it's cake), listening to what my body needs and having a positive kind self-talk. I want to love my body regardless of what has happened or what it may look like. My body is a gift.  
4. Having more fun! I can think of a few moments when I have been sucked into what I feel like I can and can't do. Either because grief is overwhelming, I feel like it's something I am too scared of or won't like, or I have these old ideas and stories I tell myself. A lot of the old stories I have been telling myself no longer serve me! So I am getting rid of them and replacing them with new ones. I want to go to Disney and Universal Studios with my kids. I am working hard to make that happen. No longer is it "we won't ever be able to afford to go there." Instead, I live in abundance and money is available. If I put value into the world, it will come back to me. I am going to treasure more late nights with my kids. Date nights with my husband. I am going to try new things I think I may not like...like camping.

Being 31 was the year of lows, learning, growth, and inspiration. 32 is going to have even more amazing opportunities. The affirmation I am focusing on this year is:

I am calm and capable.
I trust the process of life.
I trust and love my body. My body is strong.
I am open and accepting of new ideas.
I am divinely guided, What I am doing matters!

Feel free to use any of these affirmations if they serve you! You are definitely enough and deserve all the world has to offer. 

I am going opening a printable shop in the next few days, but today I'm sharing a free printable for you to download! This is a 5x7 printable. (Right click the image below, and then click "download" or "save to computer.") Hang it on your mirror or somewhere you will see it often! This next year I am going to "become the fire!" 

The Power of Saying "Yes!" "I'll try!" & "I can do hard things!"

A little something you should know about me is that I am a perfectionist, a planner, and a people pleaser. I am easily overwhelmed, and naturally anxious. It has never been easy for me to put myself out there. 

After my second miscarriage and first ectopic pregnancy in 2016, I really felt strongly I should share my experiences. I could not, would not do it. The impression would come multiple times, and I would push it aside every time. I was too afraid! I kept having thoughts of: "Who the heck cares what I have to say?" "I am not a good enough writer." "It hurts too much to talk about and share about my lost babies." "Being vulnerable is way too scary!" 

Fast forward to January 2018. I'm in the emergency room of the hospital for the second time in intense pain. Once again no one has any idea what is going on. Not doctors, not specialists, not the radiologist, not nurses, no one. It was like they were playing "Where's Waldo?" but with a pregnancy somewhere inside me. It was a surreal experience being told after an emergency exploratory surgery that I had another ectopic pregnancy. Recovery was excruciatingly painful, mentally I was in shock, emotionally and spiritually I was shattered. The only thought I did have had while healing was "write this down." Desperate to heal my heart and soul, I started writing. 

Before my second ectopic, I use to say "no," a lot. For example, I was asked to make a birthday cake for some darling twins first birthday. The story I told myself was, "Nope..heck to the no way! I am not talented enough to do that." "I don't want to disappoint anyone." So I didn't do it.

While I was writing and healing from surgery the thought of sharing my experiences was even more at the front of my mind. I often prayed that if I could have opportunities open to me I would say "Yes!" and "I'll try." Something interesting happens when you start saying, "yes." As you say, "yes," and keep trying you get a rush of empowerment and more courage to say, "yes" more often. Then more opportunities come and you keep saying "yes!" Finally, I mustered up the courage to start The Four Hearts project and keep showing up. I make cakes, caramel apples, printables, cupcakes, and treats to sell.

Saying "yes" to things more often has honestly been life changing. Connecting with other women going through similar struggles that I am has been so rewarding. I love helping others feel peace, love, and less alone. Also, selfishly saying "yes" is also healing the shattered, broken pieces of my heart. There are still really hard days, but there are more good days than hard.  

One of our family motto's is "We can do hard things." I can't tell you how many times I have told my kids this phrase, but I wasn't living it. After practicing mindfulness for a few weeks I realized how toxic my thoughts were. The story I told myself was I wasn't good enough to do hard things. That story was absolutely wrong. I believe fear, insecurities, and self-doubt keep us from being our best selves.

I have used the thought power of "Yes," "I'll try," and "I can do hard things," just this weekend. I put myself out there and asked my daughter's dance instructor if I could sell treats I had been making at the recital. She didn't have a need for recital treats, BUT she did need last day of class treats. 285 of them, all individually wrapped. The old story I would have told myself would have laughed and immediately said: "No, I can't do that. I am not good enough, talented enough, smart enough to do that." Instead, I said, "Yes, I can!" I didn't know exactly how it would go, but I said "yes" anyway. I researched different ways to package different treats, mini cupcakes vs cookies, how much it would take to make them, where I could get supplies, etc. We settled on Rice Krispie popsicles and they turned out adorable! 

The results of turning down my negative and toxic thoughts, while also saying "Yes," "I'll try," and "I can do hard things," have been amazing! I have had more opportunities than ever before. If I don't know how to do something I study and try to figure it out. I am excited again to tackle the day. I accomplish more. I go to bed feeling more satisfied and fulfilled personally, as a mother, as a wife, and as a friend. I search out more opportunities, I put myself out there even if I think it's a long shot. As I do more good comes back to me. 

This isn't just something that only works for me! You can do this too! Right now, today. 

First, pray for opportunities to use your talents and abilities God has given you for good. 

Second, be mindful of how you are talking to yourself. What stories are you telling yourself that are NOT serving you? Replace that negative self-talk and stories with "Yes!" "I'll try!" and "I can do hard things!"

Third, be uncomfortable. I have found that on the other side of being SUPER uncomfortable has had the biggest reward. I learn the most after being super uncomfortable and I gain more confidence to keep being more uncomfortable. 

One of my favorite quotes from my girl Brené Brown says: "He or she who is willing to be the most uncomfortable is not only the bravest but rises the fastest!"

Fourth, get out there and do it! Don't look back. Just keep repeating "I can do hard things," breathe, and do it one step at a time. 

You are beautiful and wonderfully made. Even if you feel broken, you have skills that only you can bring to the world. Be brave to try new things and I promise good will come back to you just like it has for me. You have the courage to say "Yes." You are strong. You are enough. 

A little something you should know about me is that I am a recovering perfectionist, I thrive on being brave to say yes, and I love building a community of people to support each other. I am putting myself out there to do scary things, and I honor my emotions while moving through them. It has never been easy for me to put myself out there, but dang it I'm trying. ...and so can you! ♥️

Walk of Hope 2018

It is my birthday week! 🎉🎂 I turn 32 this Friday the 25th. To celebrate my birthday I have lots of great things planned… I will be sharing more of my story and experience with pregnancy loss, infertility, and ectopic pregnancy. There will also be a few really fun giveaways. So make sure you follow me on Instagram and turn on your post notifications so you don't miss a thing! ☺️

I also want to share that my family and I are participating in the “Colorado Walk of Hope.” It is a 2-mile fun walk for all ages! The purpose of the walk is to recognize there are many ways to build a family, to empower others through education, and it brings the infertility community together so no one in infertility walks alone.

The funds raised from this walk help support education programs, and advocacy for women and men with infertility. The funds are critical to support RESOLVE (The National Infertility Association) programs be available to those that need them.

If you are a Denver local come join our team for the walk! The walk is June 23rd at 9 am. It is free and easy to register for and will be a great event for the whole family. There will be great activities for all ages, you can meet local businesses, get health & wellness advice, walk 2-miles to raise awareness & pick up lots of free goodies. My team's name is “Four Hearts Project.”

If you are not local and can’t join our team please consider donating to our team as your birthday gift to me. ;) Even $1 is powerful, I have a goal of raising $200. Thank you for helping me reach it! RESOLVE is an organization that has become super important to me. RESOLVE has helped me find resources, and educate myself about my new infertility diagnosis.

Go HERE for my “Walk of Hope” team page. There you can join our team or donate.

I really appreciate you and your support! Have a great week and be ready to party with me!

"Waiting"

I love artwork. It is one of the ways I’ve been able to heal. One of my favorite artists is Caitlin Connolly  She is so unbelievably talented. I have a few prints by Caitlin and she just shared this painting called “waiting,” on her Instagram.

This painting took my breath away. It is my soul. My heart. That is what I feel like. Especially the past few days.

I’m waiting. Waiting for my arms to cradle a baby again. Waiting to do more fertility tests. Waiting to heal emotionally and physically. Waiting for more clarity on what Heavenly Father has planned for me and my family.

Caitlin also battled infertility and has the cutest 6-month-old twin boys. She is so inspiring. There was a great news article about an interview she did, it is awesome. I’ll add the link to the link tree in my bio.

Today is a better day. I feel like I’ve been able to breathe a little easier and start tackling the day again. Most days I really am ok. Great even. ...but sometimes a wave of grief just comes from nowhere that brings me to my knees.

If you feel like you’ve been brought to your knees keep praying and keep trying. God wants to hear from you and he wants to bless you. Sometimes the blessings don’t come right away, when we want, or how we think they should. There is so much power in being still and waiting. Then trust Heavenly Father has a plan to have everything work out better than you could imagine.♥️♥️♥️

I Am Brave, Strong, and Broken

I had a really great Mother’s Day yesterday, but it was also very bittersweet. I only cried a couple times at church and I didn’t have to leave early like I did last year. But today is hard again. Like really hard and maybe a little bit of a Mother’s Day emotional overflow. I’ve cried happy tears, and very broken tears today.

I keep trying to convince myself that I don’t need another baby. I am so happy with my family. I am so blessed. I have a 9-year-old and 5-year-old. I have BIG kids! I haven’t been in the “diaper bag” phase for a long long time.

Then it hits me. Hard. I ache for another baby. My heart aches. My empty arms ache. The grief of losing my ability to even try again without risking my life is heavy.

It is definitely all the feelings. I called my husband and cried. I called my friend who can empathize and we cried together. I’ve eaten an enormous amount of skittles. I have to rally and be strong for my kids and getting through the day. There is homework, dinner, and baths. Then at bedtime, after they are in bed I will probably break down.

I’m going to let myself feel all of it. Process it. Own it. Be kind to myself and then move through it. Tomorrow will be a new day.

Being brave, strong, and broken is going to shape me into the person, wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend I was meant to be. The person God would have me be. ...but today, today just hurts.

And that’s ok...♥️

Does anyone have a favorite scripture, song, mantra, or quote that fills you with light or hope? Please share in the comments below. I would super appreciate it so I can read through them after my kids are in bed. 💕