I love this quote… It is one I have referred to often. What if I am gripping so hard to my own life plans that I am preventing better plans from coming? I know that by struggling to hold onto them it is preventing me from moving forward and being stuck in grief. What if what if all the trials all the loss, all the experiences are to get me somewhere better? I’m trying really hard to let go, be still, and wait. I am already seeing huge blessings and opportunities. I am excited for what could be next.
Can you relate to this quote? How have you been able to “let go?”
Sharing Your Stories - Viann (A Brave New Ending)
I am so inspired by connecting with other women and hearing your stories. Your stories of loss, grief, struggle, success, and love are so amazing. Viann is from Houston, Texas. I relate to her story so much. As I was reading it I kept thinking "me too! I know that feeling." Viann is so strong and filled with love. She is a warrior fighting to grow her family. I love how she always turns to hope and is looking to the future with faith. I know you will love her and her story...
"Our long and bumpy road of infertility began 9 years ago. After numerous tests and failed treatments, IVF was our only hope of conceiving. In 2015, the procedure was successful. Early in the twin pregnancy, one of our embryos stopped developing, however subsequent ultrasounds revealed a strong heartbeat with the second. Our prayers had finally been answered and our dream of having a child was becoming a reality. At nearly 10 weeks, the doctor uttered the words no one ever wants to hear, “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.”
Overwhelmed with grief, and so many other unnamed emotions, the months and years that have followed haven’t been easy. No one is ever really prepared for how to cope with loss. It’s not something that is taught in school and in most families, not discussed openly. Men and women grieve differently and we would soon learn, these strong emotions began to manifest in different ways.
In the months prior to IVF, I made it my mission to prepare my body for pregnancy the best I could. It was almost like training for a marathon. My regimen included an anti-inflammatory diet and numerous vitamins and supplements. I felt strong and hopeful and started a blog to share my journey and encourage others struggling to conceive.
Soon after the loss, that feeling of hope began to fade. Between the IVF medications, and miscarriage, the hormonal rollercoaster was unrelenting. I no longer felt I had a reason to focus on my health. There was nothing to look forward to and feelings of apathy set in. Not sure how to help me through this emotional struggle, my husband did the best he could to be supportive and loving, while dealing with his own feelings of grief. He often found solace in lone fishing trips and spending time with nature.
Three years later, drawing strength from our faith in God and each other, the healing process continues to be a work in progress. Anyone who has experienced loss will tell you it changes you. We soon realized this life changing event was stressful on our marriage. Communication has been key and we are both learning how to lean in to the pain and allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest about our emotions with one another.
By reading and studying emotional resilience, grief and loss, we have started on a new path of healing by embracing and reckoning with the painful scars that infertility has left behind. Facing a lifetime of childlessness, we are rumbling through the middle of the messy emotions. Grief has no timeline and no one really knows how long the rumble will last.
While life hasn’t turn out the way we had planned, we are hopeful for the future. We are learning to flip the script and write a brave new ending. One where it’s okay to be sad and joyful, to grieve a painful loss and embrace the wonders of life with gratitude and most importantly, together."
I love the idea of a "brave new ending." It is heartbreaking and life-shattering when life doesn't go as planned. I think it is so powerful how Viann honored her emotions. She let herself feel all of them, including gratitude! She is taking it one day at a time and being brave to find a new ending that I know will be perfect for her and her beautiful family.
"Waiting"
I love artwork. It is one of the ways I’ve been able to heal. One of my favorite artists is Caitlin Connolly She is so unbelievably talented. I have a few prints by Caitlin and she just shared this painting called “waiting,” on her Instagram.
This painting took my breath away. It is my soul. My heart. That is what I feel like. Especially the past few days.
I’m waiting. Waiting for my arms to cradle a baby again. Waiting to do more fertility tests. Waiting to heal emotionally and physically. Waiting for more clarity on what Heavenly Father has planned for me and my family.
Caitlin also battled infertility and has the cutest 6-month-old twin boys. She is so inspiring. There was a great news article about an interview she did, it is awesome. I’ll add the link to the link tree in my bio.
Today is a better day. I feel like I’ve been able to breathe a little easier and start tackling the day again. Most days I really am ok. Great even. ...but sometimes a wave of grief just comes from nowhere that brings me to my knees.
If you feel like you’ve been brought to your knees keep praying and keep trying. God wants to hear from you and he wants to bless you. Sometimes the blessings don’t come right away, when we want, or how we think they should. There is so much power in being still and waiting. Then trust Heavenly Father has a plan to have everything work out better than you could imagine.♥️♥️♥️
I Am Brave, Strong, and Broken
I had a really great Mother’s Day yesterday, but it was also very bittersweet. I only cried a couple times at church and I didn’t have to leave early like I did last year. But today is hard again. Like really hard and maybe a little bit of a Mother’s Day emotional overflow. I’ve cried happy tears, and very broken tears today.
I keep trying to convince myself that I don’t need another baby. I am so happy with my family. I am so blessed. I have a 9-year-old and 5-year-old. I have BIG kids! I haven’t been in the “diaper bag” phase for a long long time.
Then it hits me. Hard. I ache for another baby. My heart aches. My empty arms ache. The grief of losing my ability to even try again without risking my life is heavy.
It is definitely all the feelings. I called my husband and cried. I called my friend who can empathize and we cried together. I’ve eaten an enormous amount of skittles. I have to rally and be strong for my kids and getting through the day. There is homework, dinner, and baths. Then at bedtime, after they are in bed I will probably break down.
I’m going to let myself feel all of it. Process it. Own it. Be kind to myself and then move through it. Tomorrow will be a new day.
Being brave, strong, and broken is going to shape me into the person, wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend I was meant to be. The person God would have me be. ...but today, today just hurts.
And that’s ok...♥️
Does anyone have a favorite scripture, song, mantra, or quote that fills you with light or hope? Please share in the comments below. I would super appreciate it so I can read through them after my kids are in bed. 💕
Happy Mother's Day
Happy Mother’s Day to all of you! Happy Mother’s day if you are a mom in heart and still yearning to have a sweet baby in your arms. Happy Mother’s day to those who like me have both heavenly and earthly angels. Happy Mother’s day to all the moms who are doing their very best.
As women, we have divine power to nurture and love all of those around us. We are able to love unconditionally and lift others. A woman’s love reminds us of how God unconditionally loves us.
To everyone you may nurture, your own children or children around you, you are important. You are significant. You are divine. You are enough, what you do and who you are matters.
It is ok to have all of the different feelings today. Be kind to yourself. I know how aware God is of each of us and knows our struggles. Have hope that good will come and you are so loved.