Sharing Your Stories - Santanna (hope, helping others, & male factor infertility)

One of my goals in starting this blog and community was to help others find support through their journey of infertility, pregnancy loss, grief, and life overall. I want to help be an advocate for others who might need it. Something I didn't expect was I personally would make such wonderful connections with people. Santanna and I spoke on the phone for about an hour one night. She is amazing and so inspiring. I immediately loved her and her warm caring soul.

I think so many can relate to Santanna's and her husband Cole's journey with infertility. Santanna is such an amazing woman and helps me feel so much hope. She took a really difficult trial and turned it into something that made her stronger and now she is helping so many people volunteering for the Bundled Blessings Fertility Foundation.

The Bundled Blessings Fertility Foundation mission is "to raise awareness about infertility and provide grants to families diagnosed with infertility to assist with treatment, adoption, and surrogacy costs." Santanna and the amazing women at Bundled Blessings have events in just a few months to offer fertility grants to families! Because the costs of infertility treatments or adoption are so high this opportunity is so life-changing for so many. 

I know you will love Santanna and be inspired by her like I am. This is her story...

My husband, Cole, and I were typical newlyweds; young, healthy and in love. We knew we wanted kids right away, but we weren’t exactly trying, just not preventing. As the months went by and my periods kept coming, I began to obsess about how we weren’t getting pregnant.  I had an aunt that was currently in the midst of secondary infertility and began to worry that maybe we had something wrong also. I called my doctor to see if we could get in for some tests. They all said that we had to wait until we had been trying for at least one year. I grew more and more bitter as the rest of our “year” went on. I was so confused as to why we weren’t getting pregnant when we had prayed about it and felt that it was time.

Once our year was finally up, Cole went to see a urologist where he took in a semen sample. We then learned that Cole’s sperm count and mobility were not where they should be. His doctor put him on Clomid for a month to see how much his numbers would increase. Before that month was up, we had our appointment with our fertility specialist. During our consultation, Dr. S informed us that Cole’s numbers would most likely improve from being on Clomid, but not enough to get us pregnant. They ran tests on me, and all of them came back normal. We felt comforted knowing that only one of us had a fertility diagnosis. 

At that time, we were told that our best option was to do In-vitro fertilization (IVF). We could start with intrauterine insemination (IUI), but our chances of getting pregnant were comparable to winning the lottery. We decided on IVF and our life quickly turned into weekly appointments, shots, blood draws, medical bills, and medication after medication while juggling the rest of our everyday lives. All in all, our IVF cycle went very smoothly. They were able to retrieve twenty-seven eggs from me, but this caused me to get ovarian hyperstimulation. This was honestly the worst part for me. I retained a lot of fluid and had to have a procedure that was very similar to egg retrieval but without being under anesthesia.  

Over the next few days, we learned that twenty out of twenty-seven eggs were mature enough to fertilize. Eleven of them fertilized, but then four didn’t make it. This left us with seven and sitting much lower than our doctor had predicted. After we transferred two embryos to my uterus, we found out the next day that the rest of our embryos died. This left us with nothing to freeze. This affected me much harder than I anticipated and took a bit of time to grieve at losing the chance of a potential sibling for our baby. However, we tried to remain hopeful that our two embryos would take, but if they didn’t we would have to start IVF all over again. I couldn’t even think about it. The whole process was too fresh in my mind. I honestly wasn’t sure I was ready to endure all of it again, let alone pay another $15,000 in hopes for a baby. We had decided that if it didn’t result in a baby we were going to go to Europe.   

Fourteen days later, standing in my work parking lot I took a phone call informing me that we were in fact pregnant! In an instant, the last year and a half was all worth it and our prayers had been answered. I was finally carrying a child, something we had prayed for and cried over for so long. Our son, Conrad, was born March 30th, 2014.

A year and a half later we decided we wanted to give IVF another chance in hopes to have a sibling for our sweet little boy. We had an appointment with Dr. S and talked about the medication changes we would make in hopes of having leftover embryos this time. The next step was just waiting for my period to start. After 40 days, which isn’t out of the norm for me, I finally caved and bought a pregnancy test, knowing that I was just wasting my money to get a negative result. However, to our surprise, we were actually pregnant! I remember waking my husband up freaking out that the pregnancy test in my hands said “pregnant.” Cole insisted that it was lying seeing how we had a less than one percent chance of ever conceiving on our own and to call our doctor. After demanding an immediate blood draw it was confirmed that we were indeed pregnant. We welcomed our second son, Raithel (Ry-thel), on March 5th, 2016.

A year and a half later in the thick of motherhood and doing my best to raise our little boys, I found myself in the same situation, waiting for my period to come. One store bought test later and we found out we were again expecting another miracle baby. We welcomed our sweet little girl Gentry, on April 9th, 2018.

Our infertility chapter seems so long ago and I’m still amazed to have three sweet little ones when I questioned if we would ever have one. The most important thing I have learned from this is to trust my Heavenly Father and His timing. I truly hope that I always remember this journey. I hope I remember the longing and the pain, so I remember to never take being a mom for granted. 

Going through infertility has also brought me so many amazing opportunities to connect with others. I currently volunteer for Bundled Blessings Fertility Foundation that raises funds and awareness for couples diagnosed with infertility, to assist them with adoption, surrogacy, or treatment cost. I never thought I would view our fertility as a blessing, but I do. I’m so thankful for this trial my husband and I went through. Not only for the strength it brought us as a couple, but also for the opportunities it has given me to help others. We realize that our infertility journey is easier and shorter than most and that some endure much more and some are still waiting for their baby. I hope you know we pray for you and we hope that you never feel alone in your journey.

I think so many can relate to Santanna's story. There are so many couples that are young and healthy not expecting any issues with infertility. Infertility has so many ups and downs. I am so inspired by how Santanna and Cole faced their infertility with hope and strength. It is so powerful that she has gratitude for this trial. That is something I am still working towards. Now she is also helping others! The Bundled Blessings Fertility Foundation is amazing!!! If you haven't checked out their website and social media outlets you must! They are doing amazing things and sharing so much light and love. We all could use more of that and I really appreciate them.

Santanna's bravery and vulnerability to share her family's story has given me so much hope. Isn't she and her family gorgeous?! I will be at the Bundled Blessings Fertility Foundation and I am so excited to meet her in person.

Male Factor Infertility 101

There is often a misconception that infertility is only a women's health issue. However, 30% of infertility cases are a malefactor primary health issue. It is also estimated that only 20% of men in couples struggling to conceive will come forward for testing. Men diagnosed with male factor infertility can also feel similar traumatic emotional pain. There can be feelings of shock, guilt, stigma, anger, fear, anxiety, and low self-esteem. 

Here are a few facts about male factor infertility:

1. Men often have no obvious or apparent symptoms of infertility. 
2. A few causes of male infertility can be sperm production problems, structural abnormalities, ejaculatory disorders, and immunity issues.
3. According to the Mayo Clinic, nearly 50% of men dealing with male factor infertility have low sperm counts as the primary factor. Low sperm counts are the most common cause of infertility.
4. Morphology: when the sperm is unable to reach or penetrate the egg due to abnormal sperm structure or shape.
5. Motility: when the sperm has an impaired mobility or movement.
6. There is a myth that age does not affect male fertility. However, as men age, their fertility and the health of sperm also decline. 
7. Some healthy lifestyle changes to help decrease the risk of male factor infertility are: no use of tobacco or marijuana, stop or decrease alcohol intake, maintain a healthy weight, exercise in moderation, and take your vitamins(vitamins C and E are especially important in male fertility). 
8. There are many preventable, treatable, and reversible causes of male factor infertility. It is so important to see your doctor or specialist for an evaluation and treatment if needed.

The more we talk about infertility the less stigma everyone will feel. There is no shame or embarrassment from an infertility diagnosis. If you are interested in more information about male factor infertility, Resolve and FertilityIQ are both excellent resources. No one has the exact same infertility story but together we can lift each other to be stronger as we find solutions, and hope. 

The Power of Affirmations: Help Healing Through Infertility & Pregnancy Loss

In 7th grade, my home economics teacher would always make us say, "It's a great day to be alive," before starting class. I remember thinking that saying this daily affirmation was super strange, weird, and anything but cool. My class repeated "it's a great day to be alive," with as much vigor and excitement as you have when you go to the dentist for a root canal.

Affirmations have now been a huge part of how I move through infertility, my grief, and trauma from my multiple pregnancy losses. If only I could help my awkward and insecure 13-year-old self to realize how powerful affirmations can be!

Look back on your day... How many times did you talk to yourself? What did you say? Was it kind, hopeful, or empowering? Our mind is constantly thinking and that self-talk shape our attitudes, how we process our emotions and move through our lives. 

I quickly realized my self-talk was taking me down a swirling drain. I kept circling in darkness, and not moving anywhere. Once I started to become aware of my thoughts I could change the story I was telling myself. Affirmations don't take away the emotions of grief, confusion, anxiety, and depression, but affirmations do help me move through them. Affirmations have helped me not be so angry with my body that I felt like had failed me. Affirmations have helped me stay present instead of being terrified of the future, stay in a place of gratitude, grow my faith, and feel more peace. 

My affirmations sometimes change daily, or weekly, & some I cling to for months. Write them on post-it-notes to cling to your mirror. Add them to your phone screen. Say them aloud repetitively. Use them in morning meditation. Write them in your journal. Put them somewhere you can see them and think of them often, and especially first thing in the morning. Pray for the ability to let go of thoughts that no longer serve you. 

Here are 4 affirmations that I use to help me stay grounded & heal. Which ones resonate with you?  Screenshot them to use as your background, tag friends below, or share them to spread some light! ✨

Growing Into Something More...

“...There are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were - better than what we were, more understanding than what we were, more empathetic than what we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.” -Thomas S. Monson, “I Will Not Fail Thee, nor Forsake Thee,” October 2013

This talk was exactly what I needed today, you can watch or read it HERE if you're interested. 

To be totally vulnerable and honest, there are times I have not only felt alone and wondered “why me?” but have felt forsaken. Loss after loss. Fail after fail. Shoved past my limits. It all felt like too much and I was broken.

I think often we don’t talk about those really hard and dark emotions because we feel ashamed and guilty for having them. You wonder if you’re the only person who has felt like that and if only you had more faith like so and so. I guarantee you’re not alone. I have felt all of those powerful and damaging emotions. You do not need to have shame or guilt over anything you feel, but you also don’t need to give it power over your thoughts and life.

Now being a little further down the road I still stumble, but I try to let go of thoughts that don’t serve me. Especially the ones from shame. Then I try to replace those thoughts and stories I’ve been telling myself with affirmations focusing on peace, hope, focus, strength, etc. I know that a loving God never forsakes His children. Our trials are opportunities. Opportunities to be “more” and “better!”

From heartbreak, grief, loss, trials, and struggle we are able to grow into something better than we ever could have hoped to be. 🌱

Drowning vs Swimming

This morning I mentioned to my husband sometimes it feels like I’m drowning. Drowning from grief. Drowning from trying to be a great mom this summer. Drowning at things I think I should be accomplishing. #recoveringperfectionist 🙋🏼‍♀️😬

He immediately said, “You’re swimming.” ...his short & to the point response was honestly irritating at first, which he could tell by the look on my face. He went on to say “You’re in the middle of the ocean. You want to be comfortable on the beach, but you’re not right now. That’s ok. You aren’t drowning. You’re swimming to where you want to be. Every day you try and keep going doing your best is you swimming.”

Mind-blown. 🤯 Ugly tears. 😭

I thought his insights were so powerful. It reminded me of the scriptures. Isaiah 43:2, 4 & the first part of verse 5:
“2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
4 Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee: therefore will I give men for thee, and people for thy life.
5 Fear not: for I am with thee”

We are swimming through our challenges we have and most importantly we are NOT doing it alone. Through it all Christ is always there with us. We are so precious to Him & He loves us perfectly. He will always help us carry on when we feel like we cannot.

“Just keep swimming...” -Dory 🐟 (and my husband) 😊

What do you do to “keep swimming”every day?