My Story: My Second Ectopic Pregnancy - Part 1: infertility, recurrent pregnancy loss, and the mistake

Go HERE to read my first experience with ectopic pregnancy.

I had mentally bargained with myself, and probably a little bit with God.

"Ok, I have had 2 miscarriages, 1 of which I almost bled to death. I have had an ectopic pregnancy and I lost my left fallopian tube. It was awful, but I have had my turn. I've learned a bunch, now we can move on."

A few months went by...I physically healed, I went to therapy for a few months, I was still struggling with grief but I was much better at coping, and I was functioning again. I decided to put my traumatizing fear aside and have faith to give my body another chance to have a healthy pregnancy. I was so sure that now it was "my turn." For my 5 previous pregnancies, I was pregnant in 3 months or less. It had never been a struggle to get pregnant before only to STAY pregnant. I was reassured by two different doctors that my chances of having a healthy pregnancy were good even with one fallopian tube. One doctor said, "you have the perfect pelvis!" ...uhhhh, thank you(???), weird/best compliment ever, but it gave me hope. 

INFERTILITY

3 months went by, nothing. I decided to buy HCG tests. 3 more months, nothing. I bought more HCG test and pregnancy tests in bulk on Amazon. 6 more months, nothing. Every month felt like a kick in the gut. Wondering if you're pregnant every month is a real mind game. Especially when period symptoms can also feel so much like pregnancy symptoms. 2 years had gone by since we had started trying to get pregnant. The beginning of December 2017 I went to see my OBGYN who also thought it was strange we were struggling with infertility. She ordered Clomid, progesterone, and baby aspirin for my next cycle. 

It was busy with Christmas shopping, parties, traditions, end of term school projects, programs, etc...being pregnant left my mind. I realized my period was a few days late and figured it was probably stress. After the removal of my tube my periods weren't super consistent anyway.

December 22nd, the weekend before Christmas, on a whim I took a pregnancy test. It was negative, again, of course, and I threw it in the trash. I kept hustling around the house cleaning to get ready for Christmas. I went into clean my bathroom and happened to glance in the trash at my previously discarded pregnancy test. "Huh, that looks positive...... WAIT! That IS positive!" Heart racing I lunged for my Costco sized supply of pregnancy tests. My next test was positive too. For wanting to be pregnant and trying for so long I was honestly surprised. I frantically called my doctor, voice shaking, tears starting to puddle up in my eyes then quietly roll down my cheeks from both fear and excitement.

"Should I go in, do I have a blood test, should I start the progesterone now, how long have I even been pregnant, what if I already took something I shouldn't and hurt the baby?!" So many questions frantically flew out of me a million miles an hour. The nurse was so kind but said because of the Christmas weekend they would be leaving the office early and wouldn't be back until Tuesday. A blood test wouldn't matter so I should try to stay optimistic. She suggested I start the progesterone and also the baby aspirin. I was ready to cancel all holiday travel plans, one of my biggest fears was I would start to lose the baby and have to do it in front of everyone. I didn't want that vulnerability, heartbreak, and pain put on display. The nurse reassured me to go on our holiday 8-hour road trip to see family and have a great time.

I floated blissfully through Christmas. I was on cloud 9, already talking to the baby through my thoughts, and thought this was the most perfect Christmas gift. This is what we waited for. This is what the 2 years of struggle, infertility, and loss had been for. I learned a bunch, my relationship with my husband Cory grew, my testimony was stronger...we had made it. A few days later, on December 27th we started the drive to my mom's house. Cory and I quietly talked all things baby during the long drive. We only had 45 minutes until we got to my mom's house and then I felt it.

RECURRENT PREGNANCY LOSS

My heart jumped into my throat and I immediately thought "No...no way! It's not happening again." The rest of the world phased out into a blur, Cory sounded muffled and far away as I went to check with my mind racing. "Please no, please, please not again." Sure enough, I was bleeding. Bright red blood that I knew all to well from my 3 previous losses. I slowly and quietly said, "I'm bleeding." Cory's face went white and he looked at me with disbelief. I hit the dashboard and I'm pretty sure I swore under my breath as I went numb. He said something but I don't really remember the rest of the drive. I think I prayed, begged, and bartered with God, and I tried to convince myself that this wasn't happening again. This was "my turn" after all. This was our perfect little gift. Surely this would not happen again, it had to be a joke. 

We pulled into my mom's driveway and my kids jumped out of the car excited to see grandma. I hurried to call the nurse. I demanded to not be put on hold, I needed to talk to someone now. I told the nurse in between sobs what was happening. She said "oh sweetie, I am so sorry this is happening again. It sounds like a miscarriage and it will just happen. There is nothing we can do. Go to the emergency room there if the pain is too much and get back here to see Dr. Z when you can, we will get you right in." 

I hung up and we sobbed. We sat in the car crying and hugging for so long my mom and sister came to check and see if we were ok. This was my nightmare. Losing another baby and now telling everyone about it with all my broken pieces exposed. I couldn't stop crying, I was hysterical. My kids started to worry so I pulled myself together and we opened other Christmas gifts that had been waiting for us. I was like a zombie trying to smile and be excited. I told Cory I was not going to stay. I needed to go home ASAP because one I wanted to grieve alone, and two I needed to be close to my OBGYN since my pregnancy losses have gone from "normal" to life-threatening fast. The next day was my son's birthday. The plan was I would make his Star Wars birthday cake, we would open presents, spend the day together, and I would fly home that evening. I somehow managed some sleep and then had a fun birthday with my son. Making birthday cake is one of my love languages and Hayden's cake turned out just how I imagined it in my head. He loved his scooter and other birthday surprises. I loved celebrating him, and kissed on him and my daughter as much as I could. The bleeding kept coming and I knew the pregnancy was over.

Cory drove me to the airport, we hugged goodbye in front of security for a long time, he kissed me at least a dozen times, and I caught my flight. I listened to a podcast about healing from recurrent pregnancy loss and grief the whole flight home. A close friend picked me up from the airport to take me home. She lovingly loaded me up with food, bath salts, lotion, and said to call if I needed anything while I was home alone. I had been quietly emotionless like a robot until I walked into my home, closed the door behind me, and sank to the floor in a broken heap with sobs that sounded more like howls. I limped upstairs to bed and fell asleep.

The Mistake

My doctor was able to get me in the next day. Going into the OBGYN when you are in the middle of a pregnancy loss is hell. There is no other way to say it. It's hell. Baby pictures and pregnant mothers everywhere. Gag. After an ultrasound that showed nothing in my uterus, my doctor said she thought it was a miscarriage and my body had done all the hard part on its own. She diagnosed me with recurrent pregnancy loss, we talked about what that meant for my fertility,  and to come back in about a month.

3 weeks went by with "recurrent pregnancy loss" still ringing in my ears but I still felt weird and just off. I knew something wasn't right and I started to have pain on my right side. At my checkup, I mentioned the pain to my doctor and she replied it was most likely a cyst from ovulation. It had been a month since I first started bleeding so that timeline made sense. I had a pelvic exam and my doctor was even more convinced I had an ovulation cyst. She also said "The chances of having another ectopic pregnancy opposite from the diseased tube is very, very, very, super unlikely. That would be way rare." I asked for blood work just to double check my HCG level. Three days later I still didn't have my blood results. Since it was a Friday and I didn't want to wait anymore I called my doctors office. The nurse said she would track my blood results down for the lab. 15 minutes later my doctor's office called. When I answered it was my doctor, not the nurse, and I knew immediately something was wrong. 

"Megan, your HCG from Tuesday has gone up to 147 since your initial 42. You need to get to the ER immediately. ....I am so sorry, but we missed it again and made a mistake. I think this is another ectopic pregnancy."

to be continued....

I stop at this part of the story not to be extremely annoying and leave a giant cliffhanger, but to point out a few things this part of my story taught me.

1. For a long time, I felt like God had given and then cruelly taken something away. Especially after I waited for 2 years to be pregnant again! How was this the nature of God? What I lacked to see then, blinded by grief were the blessings that were flooding in through this trial. Family and friends that rallied to comfort me like angels. We were able to find a flight at the perfect time so I could be with Hayden on his birthday and get home asap. Inspiration to know something was going on with my body and I should have it pursued. God has a perfect love for each of us. God doesn't remove trials but He does strengthen us. God doesn't turn His back on us but is constantly lifting us. We just have to look for His love and goodness. Once I actively started looking for even the smallest blessings my heart started to change and feel lighter.

2. The world keeps moving even when it stands still for you. Be kind to yourself while you feel all the emotions. Selfcare is so important. I was on my own while my family was in Utah for about a week and a half. I wanted to be alone to grieve and I didn't want my kids to miss out on fun holiday time with family. I spent quite a few days locked up in my room. I was in a super dark place. I didn't shower, personal hygiene went out the window, I didn't get dressed, and I barely left my room to eat. One Saturday on a whim I threw on a bra, some sweats, and a comfy shirt. I put my hair up in a messy bun and drove myself to the movies. I watched The Greatest Showman on my own with snacks and a blanket. It was one of the best things I could have done. It reminded me that life was still happening outside my room and I could move with it if I wanted. It would be insanely hard, but life was not going to wait for me. 

3. Be my own advocate, trust my gut and what my body is trying to tell me. I know doctors are super knowledgeable. I really appreciate them and all the schooling, work, and training they go through. However, I am my best advocate and no one knows my body like I do. Thank goodness I pushed and asked more questions about how I was feeling. Thank goodness I requested another blood test just to double check. If I hadn't pushed my outcome could have taken a much more tragic turn.

The next part of this story is in some ways more difficult. It is really when everything blew up and where my PTSD stems from. I am starting to get to a place where I am grateful for this first part. It was long and a drug out process but it helped prepare me for something I didn't even see coming. 

Progress Over Perfection: Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy

A week ago on Instagram I had a poll that asked: “do you ever feel inadequate in one or multiples roles/areas in your life?” I also asked what letter grade you would give yourself currently and what letter grade you think you should be. The result was 100% said yes to feeling inadequate most of the time. The average letter grade people said they currently are is a C or B- and everyone said they should be an A- or an A. I am totally a perfectionist, and a planner. I set super high probably absurd expectations for myself. I know exactly what it is like to feel inadequate, and I would never want anyone else to feel that way.

I have noticed that while processing my grief I tend to overcompensate and especially stretch myself thin in all areas of my life. It is like I had all this extra love and energy to give to a new baby, a new person in our family, new dreams, and now it has nowhere to go. I try and do all the things. Keep my house spotless, plan healthy delicious meals and snacks, have fun crafts for my kids, plan surprises for them, have adventures for my family, be a better friend, wife, and daughter, do more, accomplish more, BE MORE! A+ all the time or inadequacy takes off like a runaway train.

Feeling inadequate is THE worst. If I feel inadequate it goes hand in hand with other emotions. Inadequate & powerless. Inadequate & negative self-talk. Inadequate & worthless. Inadequate & shame. I get burnt out, more depressed, and more anxious. My weaknesses seem to be exaggerated and I feel I am failing in at least one or more(sometimes all!) areas of my life.

Society, our culture, and social media have set an exceptionally high bar of perfection. We see everyone at their very best and compare those snapshot moments to our worst moments. It is impossible to do all the things and be all the things to everyone 100% all the time. We are flawed. We are meant to be flawed. Beautifully, perfectly, divinely flawed. 

Instead of an A+, 100% perfection, our efforts of a B- or a C are perfectly acceptable and enough. B- and a C is still well over passing y’all! That is killing it in my book! I also guarantee your efforts are viewed as an A to everyone else. We are so hard on ourselves! When I allow myself to know that my best might be a C it changes my perception completely.

We shouldn’t stop trying to getting better and attain new goals. I don’t think we should settle for mediocre, but the goal should be progress and not perfection. Focusing on progress helps us be happier, feel peace, and have stronger relationships with those around us. Progress helps us see where we want to go, be humble, grateful, and empathetic to others.

We are meant to be imperfect, if we did things A+ all the time there would be no need for a Savior. We are meant to come to Him and be perfected in time while we learn. There are only certain things that you can do! No one can do things the way you can. I guarantee you are doing much better than you think you are. We are absolutely and completely enough. We are divine. We are loved.

The Power of Affirmations: Help Healing Through Infertility & Pregnancy Loss

In 7th grade, my home economics teacher would always make us say, "It's a great day to be alive," before starting class. I remember thinking that saying this daily affirmation was super strange, weird, and anything but cool. My class repeated "it's a great day to be alive," with as much vigor and excitement as you have when you go to the dentist for a root canal.

Affirmations have now been a huge part of how I move through infertility, my grief, and trauma from my multiple pregnancy losses. If only I could help my awkward and insecure 13-year-old self to realize how powerful affirmations can be!

Look back on your day... How many times did you talk to yourself? What did you say? Was it kind, hopeful, or empowering? Our mind is constantly thinking and that self-talk shape our attitudes, how we process our emotions and move through our lives. 

I quickly realized my self-talk was taking me down a swirling drain. I kept circling in darkness, and not moving anywhere. Once I started to become aware of my thoughts I could change the story I was telling myself. Affirmations don't take away the emotions of grief, confusion, anxiety, and depression, but affirmations do help me move through them. Affirmations have helped me not be so angry with my body that I felt like had failed me. Affirmations have helped me stay present instead of being terrified of the future, stay in a place of gratitude, grow my faith, and feel more peace. 

My affirmations sometimes change daily, or weekly, & some I cling to for months. Write them on post-it-notes to cling to your mirror. Add them to your phone screen. Say them aloud repetitively. Use them in morning meditation. Write them in your journal. Put them somewhere you can see them and think of them often, and especially first thing in the morning. Pray for the ability to let go of thoughts that no longer serve you. 

Here are 4 affirmations that I use to help me stay grounded & heal. Which ones resonate with you?  Screenshot them to use as your background, tag friends below, or share them to spread some light! ✨

Growing Into Something More...

“...There are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were - better than what we were, more understanding than what we were, more empathetic than what we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.” -Thomas S. Monson, “I Will Not Fail Thee, nor Forsake Thee,” October 2013

This talk was exactly what I needed today, you can watch or read it HERE if you're interested. 

To be totally vulnerable and honest, there are times I have not only felt alone and wondered “why me?” but have felt forsaken. Loss after loss. Fail after fail. Shoved past my limits. It all felt like too much and I was broken.

I think often we don’t talk about those really hard and dark emotions because we feel ashamed and guilty for having them. You wonder if you’re the only person who has felt like that and if only you had more faith like so and so. I guarantee you’re not alone. I have felt all of those powerful and damaging emotions. You do not need to have shame or guilt over anything you feel, but you also don’t need to give it power over your thoughts and life.

Now being a little further down the road I still stumble, but I try to let go of thoughts that don’t serve me. Especially the ones from shame. Then I try to replace those thoughts and stories I’ve been telling myself with affirmations focusing on peace, hope, focus, strength, etc. I know that a loving God never forsakes His children. Our trials are opportunities. Opportunities to be “more” and “better!”

From heartbreak, grief, loss, trials, and struggle we are able to grow into something better than we ever could have hoped to be. 🌱

Drowning vs Swimming

This morning I mentioned to my husband sometimes it feels like I’m drowning. Drowning from grief. Drowning from trying to be a great mom this summer. Drowning at things I think I should be accomplishing. #recoveringperfectionist 🙋🏼‍♀️😬

He immediately said, “You’re swimming.” ...his short & to the point response was honestly irritating at first, which he could tell by the look on my face. He went on to say “You’re in the middle of the ocean. You want to be comfortable on the beach, but you’re not right now. That’s ok. You aren’t drowning. You’re swimming to where you want to be. Every day you try and keep going doing your best is you swimming.”

Mind-blown. 🤯 Ugly tears. 😭

I thought his insights were so powerful. It reminded me of the scriptures. Isaiah 43:2, 4 & the first part of verse 5:
“2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
4 Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee: therefore will I give men for thee, and people for thy life.
5 Fear not: for I am with thee”

We are swimming through our challenges we have and most importantly we are NOT doing it alone. Through it all Christ is always there with us. We are so precious to Him & He loves us perfectly. He will always help us carry on when we feel like we cannot.

“Just keep swimming...” -Dory 🐟 (and my husband) 😊

What do you do to “keep swimming”every day?