I’m trying hard to get out of this emotional rut I’ve been in. Grief definitely comes in waves... I can be good for a long time. Great even. Then out of no where. Boom. I’m swallowed whole by grief and anxiety. Has anyone else felt like that?
Sleeping has been a struggle recently and when my sleep is bad everything else is a million times harder. Has anyone else had a problem sleeping after pregnancy loss or infertility?
My natural instinct, while I’m grieving, is to retreat. I become a homebody and usually cry a lot. It’s not pretty. 🤦🏼♀️
I’m trying to take some really amazing advice from my girl @brenebrown. To get out of this rut I’m putting myself out there into things that are uncomfortable. For example...Talking openly about my story and losses. Writing. Growing my business to save for IVF. Trying new things. Learning new skills.
I am also participating in the Walk of Hope here in Colorado this weekend. I am so excited and also anxious to participate. I haven’t ever been apart of an event like this before. I’m excited to come together as an infertility community and have a fun morning with my family.
So here is to being really, super, crazy uncomfortable so that I can learn, move through my grief, and be stronger. 💪🏻
(If you are also going to be at the Walk of Hope this Saturday look for me! My family will be there in black shirts with my heart logo on it. ♥️ Come say hi! If you would like to donate to the walk all the money goes to @resolveorg to help support, educate and empower those fighting infertility. You can donate HERE. Even a $1 is huge! Thanks so much.)
Healing Spiritually Through Infertility & Loss: Part 1 - Feeling Abandoned by God
A big part of who I am is my spirituality, my relationship with our Heavenly Father, and the Savior. I know we are all children of God. God loves and knows each of us personally. We were sent a Savior so we could be saved, have comfort in all things, and return to live with our Father and families eternally. However, this year I have never felt more broken, abandoned and forsaken. In previous times of trial, I have felt carried to higher ground to be able to heal. After a year and a half of infertility, to finally be pregnant, and then lose my fourth baby along with my ability to safely be pregnant again I have felt so alone. I have sobbed while on my knees in prayer begging for relief, had the feeling of overcoming despair, and grief becoming more like a dark place I could not climb out of.
Then anger began to set in. Where was God? Where was He now that I needed Him most? For weeks I retreated and isolated myself. At the counsel of inspired church leaders, my husband, and friends I slowly started being brave to move forward. To keep trying regardless of my broken pieces and blindly stumbling to stand again.
The more I kept taking tiny steps forward, the more the "abandonment" felt like more of an opportunity. This was a time my faith could be perfected. I could be strengthened and slowly start polishing out my rough edges. I was not going to let this one moment, this one situation define who I am. Infertility does not define me, and God was teaching me just who I could become. I still ache and yearn to be a mother again, but I have more empathy now than I ever have had before. I feel like I can deeply relate to those other women and couples who have walked the trenches of infertility and loss. I can lift those going through grief. I understand exactly what that feels like and can more personally mourn with those that mourn.
Slowly I could see the hand of God in my life. He had been there all along and little moments of hope would come in. I actively started looking for Him in my life. Sometimes it came from a simple text from a friend. Even weeks, and months later I needed to know someone was thinking of me and would not judge me if I said, "I am struggling today." Sometimes it has come from little thoughts and impressions. For example, starting to act on my talent of baking has been a huge blessing. Not only has it provided some extra income, but it has been a better healthy way for me to take a break from my grief and focus on something else. Starting this Four Hearts Project has been such a meaningful way for me to heal. It has also been so powerful meeting a community of women who have felt and thought similar things that I have. There must be "opposition in all things," and because I have felt forsaken, grief, pain, and loneliness I have also been able to feel pure joy and relief.
One of my favorite scriptures right now is:
The entire 24th chapter of Isaiah is close to my heart, but this scripture has especially resonated with me recently. Even when grief and loneliness are consuming and it feels like it has lasted a lifetime, in the big eternal perspective it is really only a "small moment." God will never withhold blessings from his children. Not only will he not withhold them he will prepare "great mercies." He is merciful, kind, and has a pure love for us. He will comfort, He will lift, He will succor, and He will give more blessings than we could ever hope for.
I am still working on growing my faith. Somedays the weight of infertility is still too much, but as I actively seek my Heavenly Father and the Savior I am able to move through the grief, have courage, and wake up to a new day with new blessings, and new opportunities for good.
Up next: Part 2 - Angels Around Us
Letting Go...
I love this quote… It is one I have referred to often. What if I am gripping so hard to my own life plans that I am preventing better plans from coming? I know that by struggling to hold onto them it is preventing me from moving forward and being stuck in grief. What if what if all the trials all the loss, all the experiences are to get me somewhere better? I’m trying really hard to let go, be still, and wait. I am already seeing huge blessings and opportunities. I am excited for what could be next.
Can you relate to this quote? How have you been able to “let go?”
Sharing Your Stories - Viann (A Brave New Ending)
I am so inspired by connecting with other women and hearing your stories. Your stories of loss, grief, struggle, success, and love are so amazing. Viann is from Houston, Texas. I relate to her story so much. As I was reading it I kept thinking "me too! I know that feeling." Viann is so strong and filled with love. She is a warrior fighting to grow her family. I love how she always turns to hope and is looking to the future with faith. I know you will love her and her story...
"Our long and bumpy road of infertility began 9 years ago. After numerous tests and failed treatments, IVF was our only hope of conceiving. In 2015, the procedure was successful. Early in the twin pregnancy, one of our embryos stopped developing, however subsequent ultrasounds revealed a strong heartbeat with the second. Our prayers had finally been answered and our dream of having a child was becoming a reality. At nearly 10 weeks, the doctor uttered the words no one ever wants to hear, “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.”
Overwhelmed with grief, and so many other unnamed emotions, the months and years that have followed haven’t been easy. No one is ever really prepared for how to cope with loss. It’s not something that is taught in school and in most families, not discussed openly. Men and women grieve differently and we would soon learn, these strong emotions began to manifest in different ways.
In the months prior to IVF, I made it my mission to prepare my body for pregnancy the best I could. It was almost like training for a marathon. My regimen included an anti-inflammatory diet and numerous vitamins and supplements. I felt strong and hopeful and started a blog to share my journey and encourage others struggling to conceive.
Soon after the loss, that feeling of hope began to fade. Between the IVF medications, and miscarriage, the hormonal rollercoaster was unrelenting. I no longer felt I had a reason to focus on my health. There was nothing to look forward to and feelings of apathy set in. Not sure how to help me through this emotional struggle, my husband did the best he could to be supportive and loving, while dealing with his own feelings of grief. He often found solace in lone fishing trips and spending time with nature.
Three years later, drawing strength from our faith in God and each other, the healing process continues to be a work in progress. Anyone who has experienced loss will tell you it changes you. We soon realized this life changing event was stressful on our marriage. Communication has been key and we are both learning how to lean in to the pain and allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest about our emotions with one another.
By reading and studying emotional resilience, grief and loss, we have started on a new path of healing by embracing and reckoning with the painful scars that infertility has left behind. Facing a lifetime of childlessness, we are rumbling through the middle of the messy emotions. Grief has no timeline and no one really knows how long the rumble will last.
While life hasn’t turn out the way we had planned, we are hopeful for the future. We are learning to flip the script and write a brave new ending. One where it’s okay to be sad and joyful, to grieve a painful loss and embrace the wonders of life with gratitude and most importantly, together."
I love the idea of a "brave new ending." It is heartbreaking and life-shattering when life doesn't go as planned. I think it is so powerful how Viann honored her emotions. She let herself feel all of them, including gratitude! She is taking it one day at a time and being brave to find a new ending that I know will be perfect for her and her beautiful family.
The Best Year Yet... (plus, free printable!)
I had a really great birthday on Friday! I was surprised by friends with a party. There was food, gifts, and so many people there that I love. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude to be surrounded by so many amazing people who love me and my family. I also had an amazing day with my family.
This birthday was also more emotional than I was prepared for. I get wrapped up in the "could have been" scenarios, and some grief seeps through my cracks that are still healing. I also was overwhelmed because the past year I have been through a lot! I have been at some of my lowest and darkest lows, but I have also overcome a lot. Going through infertility, to get pregnant a month before starting Clomid, then have another traumatic ectopic, surgery, and more recovery... it was a lot! I survived a lot! It sometimes seems more like a dream.
I never really understood how people would say they were "grateful" for trials? Especially after really awful and hard ones. I now feel like I am slowly starting to understand that principle. I don't think I can say yet that I am grateful for my pregnancy losses and everything the last 2 years has brought with it. I am still grieving and desperately miss those babies, dreams, and expectations I had. I am still learning to be grateful but I am very appreciative of what those circumstances have taught me. I am becoming better because of those experiences. I am having my rough edges smoothed out, strengthening my talents, growing my testimony, and becoming the person God wants me to be.
I started the Four Hearts Project. I am writing. I am putting myself out there more than I ever have in my whole life. I have been marketing and selling my cakes, cupcakes, caramel apples and treats. I have sold some of my photography. I am building on my skills and trying to be brave to do new things. I have met amazing, talented, strong and inspiring women! I know that I have made a few lasting friendships and I am beyond grateful for those relationships.
I have a feeling this year will be my best year yet. Being 32 is going to have more opportunities, more growth, and more love in it. There are four things I will be looking forward to this next year.
- The growth of my family. Whatever that may look like. I don't know if I will be pregnant this year. I hope so, but if not I will remind myself that it's ok. Heavenly Father's plan and timing are much better than mine. He knows the beginning and the end, and His plan is perfect. I know He is mindful of me and my family. I do know that my kids will continue to grow! They are such amazing little people. I love having a front row seat to watch them grow into their big personalities. Our family will grow stronger together. I am so excited for all that we will experience this next year.
- Learning more about what my purpose is. I strongly believe that we each have divine talents and purposes. There are only certain things that we can do to help bring more light to the world and people around us. As I have been more humble and followed through with impressions I have more opportunities have opened up. Each opportunity helps me grow as a person, and my soul feels like I am doing what I am meant to do! I can't wait to keep growing and learning. I am going to keep saying "yes!" Even if it's out of my comfort zone.
- Trusting and loving my body, and helping it be strong. One part of my grief and mental recovery from my losses has been about my body. I am often furious with it, that it couldn't do what it was meant to do. It struggles with getting a pregnancy in the right place. It struggles to maintain a healthy pregnancy. Surgery, grief, and hormones have taken a toll on it. Which makes me even more resentful. This next year I am looking forward to loving my body more. I am making an effort to love it more, and helping it the best way I can. Exercising regularly, eating healthy foods(and also some cake. Because..I mean it's cake), listening to what my body needs and having a positive kind self-talk. I want to love my body regardless of what has happened or what it may look like. My body is a gift.
- Having more fun! I can think of a few moments when I have been sucked into what I feel like I can and can't do. Either because grief is overwhelming, I feel like it's something I am too scared of or won't like, or I have these old ideas and stories I tell myself. A lot of the old stories I have been telling myself no longer serve me! So I am getting rid of them and replacing them with new ones. I want to go to Disney and Universal Studios with my kids. I am working hard to make that happen. No longer is it "we won't ever be able to afford to go there." Instead, I live in abundance and money is available. If I put value into the world, it will come back to me. I am going to treasure more late nights with my kids. Date nights with my husband. I am going to try new things I think I may not like...like camping.
Being 31 was the year of lows, learning, growth, and inspiration. 32 is going to have even more amazing opportunities. The affirmation I am focusing on this year is:
I am calm and capable.
I trust the process of life.
I trust and love my body. My body is strong.
I am open and accepting of new ideas.
I am divinely guided, What I am doing matters!
Feel free to use any of these affirmations if they serve you! You are definitely enough and deserve all the world has to offer.
I am going opening a printable shop in the next few days, but today I'm sharing a free printable for you to download! This is a 5x7 printable. (Right click the image below, and then click "download" or "save to computer.") Hang it on your mirror or somewhere you will see it often! This next year I am going to "become the fire!"
