New Places In Our Heart...

Have you ever experienced heartbreak? I am talking a knock you over, life-shattering, struggle, and heartbreak. The experiences that make you cry out in despair “why me?!” or “when will this end?” The despair hurts too much and we would do anything to get rid of the suffering. Nothing can really describe that type of heartbreak. When your cries don’t even qualify as a sob, but whatever is past sobbing….

My own heart has been shattered every time I have realized I’m losing another baby. Or when I have woken up from another emergency surgery to find out “the worst case scenario” did actually happen.

The struggle of infertility and pregnancy loss is so heavy and consuming. I would not wish that kind of despair on anyone. But what if… What if that kind of deep suffering is to help us grow and be more than you ever could have imagined? So that we can bring new places in our heart into “existence.” 

Those new places can offer more love and more empathy. The suffering lead us to make more friendships and have more meaningful relationships. The new places can hold more kindness, and more strength to do things that were once too difficult.

I am still in a place where I am not fully thankful for my suffering. It still feels way too raw and difficult most days. …but I am at least hopeful that the suffering Léon Bloy describes, will bring new places of my heart into existence, and that is a giant win for this phase of my journey. 

I would love to hear what you think of this quote by Léon Bloy. Have you felt new places in your heart form from suffering?

Healing Spiritually Through Infertility & Loss: Part 1 - Feeling Abandoned by God

A big part of who I am is my spirituality, my relationship with our Heavenly Father, and the Savior. I know we are all children of God. God loves and knows each of us personally. We were sent a Savior so we could be saved, have comfort in all things, and return to live with our Father and families eternally. However, this year I have never felt more broken, abandoned and forsaken. In previous times of trial, I have felt carried to higher ground to be able to heal. After a year and a half of infertility, to finally be pregnant, and then lose my fourth baby along with my ability to safely be pregnant again I have felt so alone. I have sobbed while on my knees in prayer begging for relief, had the feeling of overcoming despair, and grief becoming more like a dark place I could not climb out of. 

Then anger began to set in. Where was God? Where was He now that I needed Him most? For weeks I retreated and isolated myself. At the counsel of inspired church leaders, my husband, and friends I slowly started being brave to move forward. To keep trying regardless of my broken pieces and blindly stumbling to stand again. 

The more I kept taking tiny steps forward, the more the "abandonment" felt like more of an opportunity. This was a time my faith could be perfected. I could be strengthened and slowly start polishing out my rough edges. I was not going to let this one moment, this one situation define who I am. Infertility does not define me, and God was teaching me just who I could become. I still ache and yearn to be a mother again, but I have more empathy now than I ever have had before. I feel like I can deeply relate to those other women and couples who have walked the trenches of infertility and loss. I can lift those going through grief. I understand exactly what that feels like and can more personally mourn with those that mourn. 

Slowly I could see the hand of God in my life. He had been there all along and little moments of hope would come in. I actively started looking for Him in my life. Sometimes it came from a simple text from a friend. Even weeks, and months later I needed to know someone was thinking of me and would not judge me if I said, "I am struggling today." Sometimes it has come from little thoughts and impressions. For example, starting to act on my talent of baking has been a huge blessing. Not only has it provided some extra income, but it has been a better healthy way for me to take a break from my grief and focus on something else. Starting this Four Hearts Project has been such a meaningful way for me to heal. It has also been so powerful meeting a community of women who have felt and thought similar things that I have. There must be "opposition in all things," and because I have felt forsaken, grief, pain, and loneliness I have also been able to feel pure joy and relief.

One of my favorite scriptures right now is:

The entire 24th chapter of Isaiah is close to my heart, but this scripture has especially resonated with me recently. Even when grief and loneliness are consuming and it feels like it has lasted a lifetime, in the big eternal perspective it is really only a "small moment." God will never withhold blessings from his children. Not only will he not withhold them he will prepare "great mercies." He is merciful, kind, and has a pure love for us. He will comfort, He will lift, He will succor, and He will give more blessings than we could ever hope for. 

I am still working on growing my faith. Somedays the weight of infertility is still too much, but as I actively seek my Heavenly Father and the Savior I am able to move through the grief, have courage, and wake up to a new day with new blessings, and new opportunities for good. 

Up next: Part 2 - Angels Around Us

Letting Go...

I love this quote… It is one I have referred to often. What if I am gripping so hard to my own life plans that I am preventing better plans from coming? I know that by struggling to hold onto them it is preventing me from moving forward and being stuck in grief. What if what if all the trials all the loss, all the experiences are to get me somewhere better? I’m trying really hard to let go, be still, and wait. I am already seeing huge blessings and opportunities. I am excited for what could be next.

Can you relate to this quote? How have you been able to “let go?”

The Best Year Yet... (plus, free printable!)

I had a really great birthday on Friday! I was surprised by friends with a party. There was food, gifts, and so many people there that I love. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude to be surrounded by so many amazing people who love me and my family. I also had an amazing day with my family.

This birthday was also more emotional than I was prepared for. I get wrapped up in the "could have been" scenarios, and some grief seeps through my cracks that are still healing. I also was overwhelmed because the past year I have been through a lot! I have been at some of my lowest and darkest lows, but I have also overcome a lot. Going through infertility, to get pregnant a month before starting Clomid, then have another traumatic ectopic, surgery, and more recovery... it was a lot! I survived a lot! It sometimes seems more like a dream. 

I never really understood how people would say they were "grateful" for trials? Especially after really awful and hard ones. I now feel like I am slowly starting to understand that principle. I don't think I can say yet that I am grateful for my pregnancy losses and everything the last 2 years has brought with it. I am still grieving and desperately miss those babies, dreams, and expectations I had. I am still learning to be grateful but I am very appreciative of what those circumstances have taught me. I am becoming better because of those experiences. I am having my rough edges smoothed out, strengthening my talents, growing my testimony, and becoming the person God wants me to be. 

I started the Four Hearts Project. I am writing. I am putting myself out there more than I ever have in my whole life. I have been marketing and selling my cakes, cupcakes, caramel apples and treats. I have sold some of my photography. I am building on my skills and trying to be brave to do new things. I have met amazing, talented, strong and inspiring women! I know that I have made a few lasting friendships and I am beyond grateful for those relationships.

I have a feeling this year will be my best year yet. Being 32 is going to have more opportunities, more growth, and more love in it. There are four things I will be looking forward to this next year. 

1. The growth of my family. Whatever that may look like. I don't know if I will be pregnant this year. I hope so, but if not I will remind myself that it's ok. Heavenly Father's plan and timing are much better than mine. He knows the beginning and the end, and His plan is perfect. I know He is mindful of me and my family. I do know that my kids will continue to grow! They are such amazing little people. I love having a front row seat to watch them grow into their big personalities. Our family will grow stronger together. I am so excited for all that we will experience this next year. 
2. Learning more about what my purpose is. I strongly believe that we each have divine talents and purposes. There are only certain things that we can do to help bring more light to the world and people around us. As I have been more humble and followed through with impressions I have more opportunities have opened up. Each opportunity helps me grow as a person, and my soul feels like I am doing what I am meant to do! I can't wait to keep growing and learning. I am going to keep saying "yes!" Even if it's out of my comfort zone. 
3. Trusting and loving my body, and helping it be strong. One part of my grief and mental recovery from my losses has been about my body. I am often furious with it, that it couldn't do what it was meant to do. It struggles with getting a pregnancy in the right place. It struggles to maintain a healthy pregnancy. Surgery, grief, and hormones have taken a toll on it. Which makes me even more resentful. This next year I am looking forward to loving my body more. I am making an effort to love it more, and helping it the best way I can. Exercising regularly, eating healthy foods(and also some cake. Because..I mean it's cake), listening to what my body needs and having a positive kind self-talk. I want to love my body regardless of what has happened or what it may look like. My body is a gift.  
4. Having more fun! I can think of a few moments when I have been sucked into what I feel like I can and can't do. Either because grief is overwhelming, I feel like it's something I am too scared of or won't like, or I have these old ideas and stories I tell myself. A lot of the old stories I have been telling myself no longer serve me! So I am getting rid of them and replacing them with new ones. I want to go to Disney and Universal Studios with my kids. I am working hard to make that happen. No longer is it "we won't ever be able to afford to go there." Instead, I live in abundance and money is available. If I put value into the world, it will come back to me. I am going to treasure more late nights with my kids. Date nights with my husband. I am going to try new things I think I may not like...like camping.

Being 31 was the year of lows, learning, growth, and inspiration. 32 is going to have even more amazing opportunities. The affirmation I am focusing on this year is:

I am calm and capable.
I trust the process of life.
I trust and love my body. My body is strong.
I am open and accepting of new ideas.
I am divinely guided, What I am doing matters!

Feel free to use any of these affirmations if they serve you! You are definitely enough and deserve all the world has to offer. 

I am going opening a printable shop in the next few days, but today I'm sharing a free printable for you to download! This is a 5x7 printable. (Right click the image below, and then click "download" or "save to computer.") Hang it on your mirror or somewhere you will see it often! This next year I am going to "become the fire!" 

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you! Happy Mother’s day if you are a mom in heart and still yearning to have a sweet baby in your arms. Happy Mother’s day to those who like me have both heavenly and earthly angels. Happy Mother’s day to all the moms who are doing their very best.

As women, we have divine power to nurture and love all of those around us. We are able to love unconditionally and lift others. A woman’s love reminds us of how God unconditionally loves us.

To everyone you may nurture, your own children or children around you, you are important. You are significant. You are divine. You are enough, what you do and who you are matters.

It is ok to have all of the different feelings today. Be kind to yourself. I know how aware God is of each of us and knows our struggles. Have hope that good will come and you are so loved.